# Joint Bank Accounts/Relationships



## cwhitebn (Jul 24, 2017)

Hey everyone, I'm looking for a little advice. My partner and I have always done our finances separately for the past 5 years when we first met. I guess the time has come where things are serious and I'm looking for advice on how other couple's do their day to day banking to pay bills, mortgage, shared expenses, etc. 

Our situation: Both have good incomes (one makes $60K, the other $85K), both are also in the middle of graduate school. My name is on the mortgage since before we got together and all the bills are in my name. Currently, my partner gives me a portion of his income to help pay for the house, bills, utilities. I'm looking to change that, share more, be open to maybe a joint banking account.

So, how does everyone else seem to share household costs? Maybe a joint bank account and each contribute a portion of income and use that account for our expenses and keep our own personal savings? 

Thanks for the great advice I know you'll share. If there's any relationship gurus out there that can pass along their wisdom, I'm all ears


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

You will get a wide variety of responses and it is usually influenced to a great degree by the individual experiences. There is no real right or wrong BUT I will say that because you both are likely relatively young, are presumably in a common law relationship, and might have disproportionate assets, you should at least keep your own separate bank accounts, including personal savings, and then fund a joint household chequing account where you both put money in and pay the bills jointly. 

Eventually you may forego having separate accounts where your pay is deposited, but that is a next step to take IF you choose to do so. A lot will change if/when you decide to raise a family together. At that point, lots of things should be 'joint'.

Added: When I married young, neither of us had anything, so we started life together with joint accounts and raised a family. That all worked as planned. But 5 years now into a new, second common law relationship that started at time of our retirements, we continue to keep our financials separate for Estate planning purposes (for each of our own adult children) and so the ONLY thing we have done on a joint basis, is to each fund a joint chequing account from our personal accounts, and have a joint credit card which pays for our household expenses. Even our house is in 50/50 tenants-in-common title to avoid auto-assignment of the house to a surviving spouse. I only add this personal story so that one can see how things can (should) be different depending on circumstances.


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## milhouse (Nov 16, 2016)

We have a joint chequing to which we equally contribute to, to pay for nearly all of our bills and spends but keep separate accounts for more personal spends (loose definition but stuff like income taxes, some spends that might irk the other person, etc) and savings (TFSA, RRSP contributions, etc). 
The joint chequing is mainly to allow for easy logistics. But IMO, the core of it really needs to be that your spending values/styles are similar so you don't freak out on each other's purchases but I suppose you can adjust what the joint account covers. 
Prior to the joint account, odd as it sounds, it was somewhat random who paid for what so we really couldn't definitively tell if either of us was kind of paying a somewhat equitable share of the spend.


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## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

My wife and I have tried different systems over the years for a long time we had just one joint account everything went in and everything came out, the problem was there was little control about where the money went. It seemed to work well for the kids as there was little discussion about spending.

Later in life we had one joint account and each had a personal account payroll went into the personal account and transferred money to the joint account this worked much better and forced a discussion about what was spent on the kids. 

Now even much later in life I have my account and my wife has hers, she pays some things and I pay others, we each take care of our own car insurance/expenses as she has one car and I have a couple of things to insure car, motorcycle, travel trailer, house. We both have DB pensions and if she wants or needs more all she has to do is say so.


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## My Own Advisor (Sep 24, 2012)

What is what we did AR:

"Eventually you may forego having separate accounts where your pay is deposited, but that is a next step to take IF you choose to do so. A lot will change if/when you decide to raise a family together. At that point, lots of things should be 'joint'."

For us it's not about who pays what or who makes what, but I can appreciate each couple has different values and a relationship.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Indeed. Without knowing more about the OP and her partner, we can only assume the OP wants to be 'more sharing' and that is good. A couple is aligned better when they share the household costs from a joint banking account, and even potentially a joint credit card for joint expenses. 

We were not asked, but to make a comment anyway, we don't know the situation about what appears to be sole title by the OP on the home and the mortgage but that will (should) eventually need to be sorted out as well. In the event of a breakup, and I believe there are differences by province, the partner will likely be entitled to some portion of the home proceeds (value) simply by making monetary contributions to things like mortgage payments and/or property taxes and/or home insurance, etc. It will depend on the circumstances at the time.


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## cwhitebn (Jul 24, 2017)

Thanks AltaRed for your input earlier, I really appreciate and can't agree more than as things change as we grow older and start a family, so will our financial planning change. I like the idea of a joint bank account that we can share to pay for the daily living (housing, groceries, insurances, etc...things we share equally) but have our separate accounts for own individual things like shopping, travel, etc.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

What we did when we first got our joint account was we figured out a monthly budget for joint expenses, and each put in a proportion of our salary to make up the budget. The higher-earning person contributed more money, but same percentage of their salary, as the lower-earning person. This was to prevent the lower-earning person from having to give up a huge percentage of their salary if it was 50/50. 

Then we each kept whatever was left over in our personal accounts for personal spending. This worked out well for us as it allowed each person to spend as they felt fit without having to discuss it with the partner. 

Eventually, my husband went back to school and we went to 100% joint everything. It also works well for us, but I always feel a little guilty buying things like knitting supplies or yoga clothes with the joint money, so I'd like to eventually get back to having our own personal accounts too.

Some couples prefer to have everything joint and feel like it makes the relationship better. Everyone needs to find what works best for them.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Read Gail Vaz- Oxlades book "Money Talks", it's full of all the good advice.

That being siad,

My situation is simple, my wife and I are 100% shared on everything, all money goes into one account and pays for everything.
- We split bills and credit cards between us, simply to ensure we're both building good credit.

We have allowances that we can spend on anything we want, no questions asked.
- Really no questions we don't even have to disclose. I think people need that, at least a small amount (even if it's $5/wk to pay for Timmies now and then) 

We have weekly budgets for weekly expenses to ensure we're on track. We account for different needs, ie she has a higher clothing budget than I do.
For bigger purchases we discuss, and we have planned expenditures and allocations throughout the year.

As far as other personal expenses, we discuss it, she got a sewing machine, I got a soldering station (Hakko, it's awesome). But that's because it was appropriate, we don't play the you get something I get something game, I think that's a losing strategy.


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## cwhitebn (Jul 24, 2017)

Thanks Spudd, this scenario sounds perfect for what I think my partner and I need. Each splitting 50% of our paychecks into an joint account and keep the rest separate for our own personal spending. Thanks for the advice!


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## twa2w (Mar 5, 2016)

Everyone does this differently.
My son and c/l keep separate accounts. They contribute a pro rata amount to rent.( one pays, the other reimburses). My son pays for car expenses as he has the only car. They take turns with groceries, meals out. Vacations are mostly road trips so one pays gas and food, one pays hotels, campgrounds. They review to make sure it is fair based on % of income. Each has own investments/ savings.

My spouse and I have shared everything since day one - everything into joint account, investments and credit card. That said she has a sole name account and credit card to keep own credit. We are both fairly frugal and have never had any issues.

Friends pool all income to joint account, then each gets a no questions asked allowance. She buys clothes with hers, he buys bikes or sporting goods.
All other expenses and investments come from joint account/ credit cards.

Figure out what works for you. Remember in the case of a split, unless you have a co-hab agreement, it is mostly 50/50 split depending on asset or province so if one is a strong saver and the other is not, in the end it won't likely matter.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Another thing to remember about joint accounts. One person is always? almost always? the primary account holder. It is that person that thus builds their credit rating. Thus each person in a couple that has only joint accounts should have at least one credit card as primary holder to keep things rolling smoothly in event of a relationship split. Nothing might be more insulting (or infuriating) than the 'under' spouse being denied a new stand alone credit card in his/her own name.

Message: Keep some balance between spouses in how joint accounts are opened and managed.


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## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

Always remember financial issues are the number one cause of divorce, either the couple are on different pages or one just goes along not really being happy with the arrangement but stays quiet not wanting to rock the boat.

Don't avoid having it clear what works best for you.


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## RBull (Jan 20, 2013)

cwhitebn- another bluenoser-not many of us on here. 

We've been married 28+ years and set up joint bank, mortgage, investment, credit cards from the get go although I contributed much more initially and ongoing. For about 2 years my wife had her own savings account to give her a feeling of independence. She gave it up after I teased her about only keeping $100 in it and never using it.

My wife prefers I take the lead on finances and major purchases but there is always a discussion about any kind of spending beyond a few hundred. It's natural communication to us and we're extremely of like mind on both spending and saving so it works well. I'm the primary on everything but her credit rating is almost identical to mine so not sure how that works.

G/L with your decision.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

RBull said:


> We've been married 28+ years and set up joint bank, mortgage, investment, credit cards from the get go although I contributed much more initially and ongoing. For about 2 years my wife had her own savings account to give her a feeling of independence. She gave it up after I teased her about only keeping $100 in it and never using it.
> 
> G/L with your decision.


I think that touches on the important part, she has to feel independence.
As much as financial minded people think it's about the money, it's about emotions.

Every person has a different level of need for control, independance, freedom, whatever you want to call it.

For me it's $5 + being able to freely negotiate anything else, others have far different needs.
That being said, we're not tightwad negotiators, most likely we get whatever we want, It's much easier to say "whatever you want" then let the spender decide that it really isn't worthwhile. I've put off/cancelled hundreds of thousands in purchases this way. Most think we're crazy, but it works for us!


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

cwhitebn said:


> Thanks Spudd, this scenario sounds perfect for what I think my partner and I need. Each splitting 50% of our paychecks into an joint account and keep the rest separate for our own personal spending. Thanks for the advice!


As you can see, everyone has a different (and often strong) opinion. Ignore them. Just do what is comfortable for you and your partner. When both of you find a compromise 'sweet spot', that is what is right for you.


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## twa2w (Mar 5, 2016)

> I think that touches on the important part, she has to feel independence.
> As much as financial minded people think it's about the money, it's about emotions.
> 
> Every person has a different level of need for control, independance, freedom, whatever you want to call it.


Absolutely right. For every person who needs a sense of independence, there is one that feels they are not a committed couple unless everything is joint.
Then there are the ones that say ' what's yours is mine, and what is mine is mine'
:greedy_dollars:


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## DayTek (Sep 26, 2013)

My husband and I have lived together for almost 12 years. We've always had one chequing account that both payrolls and bills come out of. Multiple joint savings accounts. Joint credit cards (one I'm the primary on, one he's the primary on). I control the finances (I am in banking) and we are both very content with that. I'll check him in once in a while on how we're doing and that's good enough for him. Full disclosure, no secrets. Big purchases we talk about and decide together. It works for us.


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## cwhitebn (Jul 24, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I understand the need to feel independent and support my partner in having their own separate accounts. We've always had separate finances. Our relationship has taken some hits lately and I had to look back at how things have been doing. I'm definitely the financial "go to" in our relationship but my partner feels left out or that he's not "equal" in sharing the decisions. Hence why I suggested maybe it's time to open things up, share our finances, starting with a joint account we can both contribute to for our mutual spending all while still having our own investments, savings, etc. 

Part of the "emotion" side to this is I have a significantly higher income than him, own the house, no debt. My partner has no debt, half the income and savings, and no other real assets. My father who has always been wise with money has always preached to be cautious...so I'm guess I'm afraid if our relationship should sink, and we split...I tend to loose quite a bit (with my partner gaining a lot more). But I don't want to set us up for failure by thinking that way.

Does it make sense to start off with a joint bank account? Perhaps when he's saved up more and we're ready to buy a house together, we can put our names on the mortgage.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

cwhitebn said:


> I'm definitely the financial "go to" in our relationship but my partner feels left out or that he's not "equal" in sharing the decisions. Hence why I suggested maybe it's time to open things up, share our finances, starting with a joint account we can both contribute to for our mutual spending all while still having our own investments, savings, etc...


I think you need a discussion that goes beyond finances. The finances seems to be a symptom of the problem, not the root cause.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

I agree with kcowan. That said, the OP also should know that unless the OP is funding all of the direct house costs and has a co-hab that explicitly sets aside that asset (depending on whether they now are common law according to their provincial law), her partner could have some entitlement to the share of the current property in event of a relationship breakdown. If the partner is paying pseudo rent, that could provide asset protection.

That aside, this couple does need to have a broader discussion on how to balance it all going forward and the OP does need to decide whether she can live with more equality and give up some of her individual financial well being and control. The OP seems to want to do that to improve (potentially save) the relationship but she will take some risk in doing so. The joint bank account seems like a good idea for general household costs, even funded disproportionately relative to earning power. We do this in our co-hab arrangement funding joint expenses disproportionately relative to income, albeit it is less complicated since we each have 50% ownership in our house.

Not suggesting this is the case at all, but we likely all know couples where one partner does most of the heavy lifting and the other rides along not willing (different from trying) to contribute proportionately, otherwise sometimes known as leeches or bums. Those relationships will likely breakdown, as have a few of those kind in my extended family. We all later observed....what took it so long to break up? It works best when both partners are putting in commensurate effort, relative to their earning potential.


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## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

Completely agree with kcowan.

Sounds like relationship counseling would be a good place to start, your father likely see's things that concern him. 
You say the relationship has been taking some hits lately, find out how he feels about counseling before going forward.


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## ian (Jun 18, 2016)

We have always had joint accounts. Only exception has been when the acct advised seperate for some HISA accounts. It has never been an issue. But I guess it is each to their own.


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## Emjay85 (Nov 9, 2014)

cwhitebn said:


> Perhaps when he's saved up more and we're ready to buy a house together, we can put our names on the mortgage.


That seems like the most sensible time to merge finances in my opinion, either when you buy a house together with a 50/50 split, or when he is able to pitch in the same amount you have for your current house, or Marriage, whichever comes first!

Before that, in my opinion, keep it separate.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Emjay85 said:


> That seems like the most sensible time to merge finances in my opinion, either when you buy a house together with a 50/50 split, or when he is able to pitch in the same amount you have for your current house, or Marriage, whichever comes first!
> 
> Before that, in my opinion, keep it separate.


Indeed. Today's 20 and 30 somethings usually have different dynamics than their elders, and particularly when a couple starts to co-habitate after some some years of building net worth. But be sure to sort out how the relationship works and is humming on most cylinders before any family dynamics come into play. 

FWIW, a house does not have to be a 50/50 split, e.g. with tenants-in-common title, but it will likely be impossible to get a mortgage with that kind of title. Regardless, a co-habitation agreement that can convert to a pre-nup is an option.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

AltaRed said:


> We all later observed....what took it so long to break up? It works best when both partners are putting in commensurate effort, relative to their earning potential.


Yes. In my case, the split started when DW refused to return to work even part time when the kids were in school.


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## Freedomeer (Jan 3, 2018)

My wife and I always did split bank accounts. I am guessing we are weird in that regard but we have never seen the need to have a joint one. I pay for all the home expenses, and she sends me money when I ask for it, as I sometimes put too much in investing accounts and fall short. 

She typically pays food / daycare and insurance. 

As I am the breadwinner and she is down to 4 days a week, this way works great for us as it equals out the investment assets for tax purposes. 

We both have the same philosophy of money and goals so that helps.


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## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

Freedomeer said:


> My wife and I always did split bank accounts. I am guessing we are weird in that regard but we have never seen the need to have a joint one. I pay for all the home expenses, and she sends me money when I ask for it, as I sometimes put too much in investing accounts and fall short.
> 
> She typically pays food / daycare and insurance.
> 
> ...



Nothing is weird now days what works is what both parties feel is good for them.


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## bds (Aug 13, 2013)

Emjay85 said:


> That seems like the most sensible time to merge finances in my opinion, either when you buy a house together with a 50/50 split, or when he is able to pitch in the same amount you have for your current house, or Marriage, whichever comes first!
> 
> Before that, in my opinion, keep it separate.


I agree with this.

When my partner and I were first together "our" house and all the bills were in my name because I had income and a bit of money put away to use for the downpayment - she wouldn't have qualified for anything, part of the time she was in school and I supported her, after that she worked and paid me a lump sum monthly instead of worrying about splitting bills. We have now bought a house together and used the proceeds from the old house for the down-payment and some renovations. We have a joint "house account" where we both contribute money to, and all bills come from that account. No other joint finances, we've been common-law for ~6 years now. It has worked wonderfully and we've had no issues with finances.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

^Agreed there is no need for a joint account until marriage, or perhaps new house purchase.

One pays some bills, the other pays other bills, with occasional reimbursements as per "fairness" if needed, is the way to go.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

peterk said:


> ^Agreed there is no need for a joint account until marriage, or perhaps new house purchase.
> 
> One pays some bills, the other pays other bills, with occasional reimbursements as per "fairness" if needed, is the way to go.


We don't need a joint account, we just find it easier, why mess around with two accounts, and credit cards with money all over the place when you can use one account and 1 (actually 2) credit cards for everything. Much easier to keep track of.

For me, there isn't much if any benefit to split accounts, so why bother with the trouble.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Again it depends very much where one is in a relationship. In the beginning with disparity in assets and income? A late-in-life relationship, or blended family, where asset integrity is more likely highly important? There is no such thing as a single simple answer. It is best to characterize the 'why' one methodology might be better, along with the what.


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## MrBlackhill (Jun 10, 2020)

We got a joint account before buying a property. When you are ready to buy a property with someone, I guess it means you feel that the relationship is strong enough. We were together for only 3 years when we bought. And then we got married on the 4th year.

The goal was to simplify the finances. Most things are bought from the joint account. Our income goes directly into that account. Our personal accounts are nearly empty. The joint account "pays" monthly a fixed amount of money to our personal accounts for personal expenses. We defined "personal expenses" together.

Basically, our income is pooled together and we have the exact same amount of money available monthly for our personal expenses.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Wasquez said:


> In my case, I think it was easier to make a joint bank account with my partner because we have the same job and the same salary and with a joint account we just simplify our life.


We have had joint finances since we started living together.
It's just money, and no matter how you slice and dice it, it's just one pie.
Might as well dump it all together and allocate as best as possible.

The thing I don't understand about his/her money is why?
Are you in a partnership working together, if so why is money separate, as it's a very significant tool in the modern world.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

In our case, it is separate because DW wanted to spend on certain things without asking/telling. Although we have separate investment portfolios, I manage it all as one. I do the monthly expenses and she does the annual expenses, including our income tax balances owing. It works. (Somewhat redundant after retirement but why change?)


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## Retiredguy (Jul 24, 2013)

Married long. Everything joint (Although we have wills, when the first of us dies it won't be required). I manage all accounts, investments, bills, taxes and keep her fully informed. Wife plans, and books all travel, including travel insurance. Neither of us are big spenders and we have never had any significant disagreements on money, purchases etc.

Everything was joint from the day we married, long ago, at age 22. We were both working but basically had no assets.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

The world is very different today. Relationships forming later in life when assets have been accumulated, both parties having been independent financially, multiple relationships, LGBTQ2 relationships, polyamory, late in life relationships, etc.

I went through the traditional way of things of post #37 the first time around but that is over. My current spouse and I got together AFTER retirement. It is important to both her and I to maintain our own finances and keep them 'protected' for our own heirs. We purposely put our house in 50/50 tenants in common title to be sure ownership would remain in the right estate at first death.

Those into decades long relationships simply don't have a basis to be critical. End of story.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

AltaRed said:


> Those into decades long relationships simply don't have a basis to be critical. End of story.


Sure they do, they have decades long relationships.

I've seen every type of relationship succeed, and every type of relationship fail.

I think in a true partnership, consolidated finances are mandatory.
You can call it whatever you want, but if you're separating out money into his and hers, it's not a true partnership.

I do accept tactical measures to estate planning for heirs, but actual living expenses, nope.
If you're not sharing money, you're not together.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Ah, but I don't recall that anyone said couples keeping their assets to themselves were not sharing living expenses. That is exactly what everyone I know in this situation does by having a joint account and each contributing to it monthly. I am not sure why one would conclude otherwise.

In our case, the vast majority of our monthly living expenses are shared via joint account funding, and a joint credit card. We then each have our own accounts and credit cards for those things we wish to buy/spend on our own from our own funds. If I want a new suit (which I don't), I fund that from my own account. My spouse shouldn't have to ante up for that. Same in her case for her new shoes. But we pay for groceries, sundries, utilities, property taxes, restaurant meals, gas for our jointly owned vehicle out of the joint account. It is simply a matter of what is 'ours' in a loosely defined way, versus what is clearly a personal expense.

Added: There are many reasons for 'later in life' couples to keep their assets separated, and that is due to wide differences in net worth coming into the relationship and/or children from earlier marriages who should not be expected to have their potential inheritances pooled with step-siblings. It is about fairness.


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## Retiredguy (Jul 24, 2013)

Agree. If I croak and my wife wife establishes a new relationship I hope she would protect our assets for our kids. I would if the reverse occurred but would also feel very apprehensive about establishing a new relationship because of potential asset/money issues. AR it sounds like ur setup is perfect, but I've heard too many stories of second marriage late in life problems to think I'd want to try. Money problems could start with something simple like buying shoes or a suit on the wrong credit card. In any event I'd only live common-law not formal marriage.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

FWIW, our home is also 50/50 tenants in common so that each of our shares goes to our estate. We each have a Life Interest in the home that allows the survivor to live in it as long as the survivor lives, but the survivor only continues to own 50% with the deceased's half remaining in his/her estate. There is also an option to buy out the 50% share. This is important especially for the lower net worth spouse that may have the majority of net worth is tied up in home equity. That person's heirs would be ripped off if the house was in undivided joint ownership....and the surviving spouse would then own it outright.

A prior post of mine was specifically critical about those who say 'everything is ours and is joint...and we've been together for 100 years'. That is perfectly fine for couples who came together early in life and created a life together, along with children et al. Division of Assets would be 50/50 anyway in a breakup*. It becomes increasingly inappropriate the later in life relationships commence and there are other extenuating circumstances that must be considered.

* I know because my first marriage lasted over 30 years and we divided everything 50/50. The way it should be.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

I've been married for over 20 years and we enjoy having separate finances. At the beginning, when we both had jobs, we had a joint account and each person paid into it for living expenses at the same percentage of their income. The excess was managed by each of us separately for our own spending/investments. 

Later, my husband quit his job to go back to school and we became a one-income family. At that point, we lived off my salary alone but he kept a pot of money aside for his own frivolous expenses (and I did not contribute 100% of my money to the joint account so I also had a pot for frivolity). 

Once he graduated he got a very low paying job (about 10-20% of my income) so I kept funding the entire joint account while he got to keep his salary for his own spending needs. 

Eventually, we both retired. Now we replenish the joint account from our investments and we spend from it on living expenses. At the end of each month, we look at the balance and we allocate any surplus between various savings accounts for various goals we have (e.g. car account, vacation account) as well as our own personal spending accounts.

We both enjoy having our own spending pots of money because when we decide to do things that would not fit into the value system of the other partner, there's no judgement or guilt. I am sure I would look sideways at the amount he spent on his home theatre receiver if it had come out of the joint account.  Similarly, he probably wouldn't be keen to spend the amount I want to spend on a birthday trip with my female friends (hopefully covid will abate so we can actually do this!).


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Doing what Spudd does also tends to keep each member of the couple responsible and current with their financials. It is a travesty when one person ends up being 'hands on' for everything....either as a result of one person having a need to be in control, or the other spouse not having an iota of interest in the financials.....or both. Neither of those is a satisfactory solution long term but I see it in discussion forums all the time.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Spudd said:


> We both enjoy having our own spending pots of money because when we decide to do things that would not fit into the value system of the other partner, there's no judgement or guilt. I am sure I would look sideways at the amount he spent on his home theatre receiver if it had come out of the joint account.  Similarly, he probably wouldn't be keen to spend the amount I want to spend on a birthday trip with my female friends (hopefully covid will abate so we can actually do this!).


We've been married for over 20 years as well.
We have fully shared finances.

We do have a "no questions asked" allowance, that we are free/encouraged to spend on whatever we want.
But this is a trivial amount that doesn't affect our overall finances, even when money was tighter we could spend this however we want. If I want to go buy a $10 coffee, or have a few drinks, I don't have to check.

Anything bigger we discuss, but since we value similarly the question is if we can afford it or not, then we do it.
The thing is, unless it has a trivial impact on our finances we discuss it. We trust the other person is going to be responsible. If I came home and found out about a surprise $2k in spending, it would be "oh I guess you thought that was appropriate"

As far as the big screen TV, I want one, we discussed it, we can afford it, we agreed to buy it.
If we didn't agree, we just wouldn't. 

I know couples who keep score of what each other gets, works for them but I don't like that approach.

The whole his/her money thing doesn't make sense, I know of couples that got into big fights because of a possible move that would be wonderful for one career, but a disruption for the other.
For us, it's no question, choose the path with the greatest net benefit.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

MrMatt said:


> The whole his/her money thing doesn't make sense, I know of couples that got into big fights because of a possible move that would be wonderful for one career, but a disruption for the other.
> For us, it's no question, choose the path with the greatest net benefit.


Doesn't make sense to you. Makes sense to us. To each his own.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Spudd said:


> Doesn't make sense to you. Makes sense to us. To each his own.


If it works for you, good, which is actually the point of the discussion.

But if someone were to ask my opinion, I don't understand how it's workable.
Most relationships with separated finances have lots of stress with money.

I've seen some arguments with joint finances, but it's something we never fight over, never have, not even when we were dating.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

MrMatt said:


> If it works for you, good, which is actually the point of the discussion.
> 
> But if someone were to ask my opinion, I don't understand how it's workable.
> Most relationships with separated finances have lots of stress with money.
> ...


We have zero stress with money. I feel like we would have a lot more if we were spending on personal frivolities out of joint funds, but that's probably my own bugaboo. I'm sure each couple's personalities will determine which way is less stressful for them as a couple. My best friend and her husband are with you on the fully-joint bandwagon, and it works for them.

As an example of something that would have caused a fight if we didn't have separate finances, my husband used to collect DVDs. He had something like 1500 of them. I do not care AT ALL about DVDs and spending $20/DVD on 1500 DVDs is something I would NOT have been able to get behind if he had been doing that from joint funds. But since it was his own money it didn't bother me. (Similarly, I used to be really into knitting and spent hundreds on yarn/needles. I would have felt super guilty doing that if it was joint money.)

Anyway, as I say, I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities of the people in the relationship. My personality is such that I prefer it separated.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Spudd said:


> We have zero stress with money. I feel like we would have a lot more if we were spending on personal frivolities out of joint funds, but that's probably my own bugaboo. I'm sure each couple's personalities will determine which way is less stressful for them as a couple. My best friend and her husband are with you on the fully-joint bandwagon, and it works for them.
> 
> As an example of something that would have caused a fight if we didn't have separate finances, my husband used to collect DVDs. He had something like 1500 of them. I do not care AT ALL about DVDs and spending $20/DVD on 1500 DVDs is something I would NOT have been able to get behind if he had been doing that from joint funds. But since it was his own money it didn't bother me. (Similarly, I used to be really into knitting and spent hundreds on yarn/needles. I would have felt super guilty doing that if it was joint money.)
> 
> Anyway, as I say, I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities of the people in the relationship. My personality is such that I prefer it separated.


Well if lack of funds was holding us back from what we wanted because of on DVDs or knitting, we'd both be unhappy about it.

I think spending a few hundred/thousand a year on hobbies and interests is completely reasonable and justified, it's an essential part of high productivity. Think how much money Nasa spends flying things like Guitars into space, but they clearly think it's a worthwhile investment.

I think you have to decide if those purchases are worthwhile or not, and agree on priorities.
If you don't agree on priorities, there will be some conflicts.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

Agreement on major priorities is obviously important in a relationship because, with some exceptions, most assets are considered equal in a Division of Assets. However, that doesn't take away the responsibility of each spouse to take ownership in managing a share of the finances. 

That said, some of these examples are not where the real issues lie. Think of the guy who wants to have 2-3 classic cars, or a hot sports car, or re-building of classics, or loves stock car racing on the weekends. All very costly endeavours. The spouse who wants to indulge in such activities better have his/her own finances to pay for all that while at the same time meeting an equitable share of joint household costs.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

AltaRed said:


> Agreement on major priorities is obviously important in a relationship because, with some exceptions, most assets are considered equal in a Division of Assets. However, that doesn't take away the responsibility of each spouse to take ownership in managing a share of the finances.
> 
> That said, some of these examples are not where the real issues lie. Think of the guy who wants to have 2-3 classic cars, or a hot sports car, or re-building of classics, or loves stock car racing on the weekends. All very costly endeavours. The spouse who wants to indulge in such activities better have his/her own finances to pay for all that while at the same time meeting an equitable share of joint household costs.


I disagree. I don't see anything wrong with one spouse having expensive hobbies irrespective of their earnings. At various times each of us has been the higher or lower income partner, with the higher or lower "personal" spend at the time.
The activity either fits into the financial plan, or it doesn't.

Having $100k in classic cars is a great example. That could be retiring several years earlier.
Saying "It's my money, I'll do what I want" isn't in my opinion a fair way to decide on such a thing.


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## AltaRed (Jun 8, 2009)

I agree with you that it is a matter of opinion, but it is also situational for each specific couple. I'd leave it at that.


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