# Wedding Reception 25k?



## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Took me everything to resist posting this in Frugality :excitement: But I'll be good.

I am staring down the prospect of a 25k wedding and shaking my head at myself at how I could even be thinking about this...
We are planning for it to be in Ontario, where most of our family is. Leaning towards full service venues, since we will be traveling, and want to do minimal work of our own, nor do we want to ask friends/family to do a ton of work either.

Really, it's looking about 15k for the venue/ceremony/dinner, all inclusive, and another 10k or so for everything else (Dress, flowers, photographer, DJ, etc.)

We could scrimp a bit and rent a hall, hire caterers, do a lot of the work ourselves, really cheap out on all the above services, and maybe we could get it down to 15k.

Or we could just go to the city hall, simple ceremony, cheap photographer, and a dinner party at a fancy restaurant with immediate family only (12 people) for about 5k.

It's hard to ask people, or get a straight, honest answer, from those who spent 20k+ about whether it was "worth it" or if they regret it. So I'll ask you fine folks the same. Also, is a wedding the life defining event it's made out to be? Will I be reminiscing fondly about peterk's lovely wedding 30 years from now, along with everyone else's wedding memories as well? If we just do the simple wedding with parents and siblings, will my cousins and friends all have that anchoring point in their lives which we all participated in, but I won't? A strong "adult" connection to your childhood friends and relatives, which is growing harder to maintain as we all go about our separate lives... "Remember Peter's wedding?" - Nope.

So many people we talked to, who clearly spent 10-30k on their weddings, didn't bat an eye talking about how they had to "save up" for the wedding. Some clearly for many months, or even years. And everyone seems to think it's just a normal justifiable expense for a 1-day event. Work for 12 months and spend it in a day.

And then I look at our current situation, and I wonder why I am even so anguished thinking about this if everyone else does it so readily from a position of much greater hardship. Me and my girl put away $100k/year every year in combined savings, have 600k net worth, we just lost 35k last month on market volatility... From that perspective 25k is no big deal. 3 months savings, which we have 20x over, or a few months of market gains.

Really, we are very fortunate. We could spread the good fortune around.
A blip on our net worth...

Or a new car

Or a 1-month luxury honeymoon

Or college tuition for 2 kids

*Sigh*


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## Fisherman30 (Dec 5, 2018)

For what it's worth.....We spent roughly 15k on our wedding, and got most of it back in the form of wedding money. The average person at our wedding included a $100 cash gift with their card....Some of my more well-off family members gave as much as $500. We ended up only losing about 5k all said and done.


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## fireseeker (Jul 24, 2017)

peterk said:


> Or we could just go to the city hall, simple ceremony, cheap photographer, and a dinner party at a fancy restaurant with immediate family only (12 people) for about 5k.


We did this, almost precisely -- although I don't know how you get to $5K. IIRC, the city hall fees were a few hundred bucks. Dinner was perhaps $100 a head.
Anyway, absolutely zero regrets. It was exactly right for us, a terrific personal anchoring point, right down to the officiant struggling to get a line-of-sight contact between the remote control in her hand and the boombox in the back to turn up the volume as we came down the aisle.
We added one wrinkle: A month later we rented a big party/circus tent and erected it in our backyard. We brewed a keg of our own beer and hauled over four BBQs. Bought some cheap wine and BBQ fixins. Friends and family kicked in with desserts and manned the grill. We had an awesome party with all our friends. Total cost: $1,500. And for two weeks' afterward I had a keg sitting in the backyard (it was late fall) where I could wander out and pull myself a fresh pint.
It's not for everybody, but it beat the pants off of every $25K wedding I've ever been to.


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## 319905 (Mar 7, 2016)

Just this afternoon at 4:00 my wife and I were witnesses for my sons/new daughters wedding at City Hall here in Ottawa ... very nice ... parking at City Hall, $6. Their cost, about $300 or so ... I think. Went out for dinner, then pool and beers, ~$300. Just dropped them off, just got back home, ate a lot, must rest ... zzzzz.


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

peterk said:


> Took me everything to resist posting this in Frugality :excitement: But I'll be good.
> 
> I am staring down the prospect of a 25k wedding and shaking my head at myself at how I could even be thinking about this...



what saith the fiancée?

way way way back in the day, the bride's parents paid for everything. For a groom it was nothing. 

what happened? how did a simple ceremony plus champagne breakfast morph into $25,000 weddingzilla, other than the fact that everybody is doing it

it appears that your situation is extra challenging because tentatively the wedding is to be held at a distant location where you haven't lived for a few years, where understandably you have no close friends in the wedding biz, where no one in the family has a grand country house or a farm plus the easy expertise to host 100 people for a glorious wedding lunch.

to proceed in baby steps, one thing i feel you are doing right is to start planning all of this out a long time in advance. 

another thing going right imho is the way you are asking yourself What will Give Us the best Memories? this is a good mantra imho

sorry i can't offer any useful suggestions yet, the situation is too complex & usually i try to work at complex situations in baby steps. In the case of your wedding plans though, one would say that so far the situation is looking good because you're allowing yourself to contemplate all kinds of different possibilities.


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## OnlyMyOpinion (Sep 1, 2013)

Congratulations!
You're a couple now. What is she thinking? That's what's most important IMO.
I considered our wedding (many, many years ago) to be an event & celebration for proud parents, family and friends as much as for us. Maybe that's 'old school' thinking though.
After all, we only live (and sometimes marry) once.


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

rikk2 said:


> Just this afternoon at 4:00 my wife and I were witnesses for my sons/new daughters wedding at City Hall here in Ottawa ... very nice ... parking at City Hall, $6. Their cost, about $300 or so



i don't mean to weight the decision one way or the other but it happens that the best, most irresistible local photograph i saw in 2018 was one the weekly newspaper published in an article about how the elected municipal councillors in this town are all empowered to legally marry people.

the photo showed a young couple being married in city hall by a councillor who happens to be an old friend. What a photograph! the young pair looked dewy-eyed & adoring, as indeed all young brides & grooms do look.

but the councillor was radiant. He was glowing. I've never seen my friend - in real life a pleasant, somewhat crusty scottish engineer with a life experience building airports - i've never seen my friend's craggy face look so meltingly happy. He was holding a 2 or 4 page printed document in his hands, so he had some sort of Order of Service text to follow; but the aura of love with which he was visibly surrounding the bridal couple was immortal.

bref, wondering if you know anyone like that who could marry you? do your friends know anyone? the number of city hall associated persons who are legally licensed to perform marriage ceremonies might be surprisingly large

something else to keep in mind. Fort Mac is not all that far away from ontario. I mean, it's not Nepal or Moldavia. Some of your good friends could & would make it out to Fort Mac, particularly if they had enough notice in advance so they could tie it into a western vacation.

at the same time, even if you held a weddingzilla for 100 guests in eastern ontario, totally catered by strangers & totally conventional, how many of those 100 would truly remember your wedding party 10 or 20 years afterwards? chances are the only ones who would remember are the same friends who would likely travel to fort Mac for your special day anyhow.

then there are the friends you & the bride have made in fort mcMurray. How will these friends feel if they have to miss your wedding in faraway ontario?

yes you have quite the dilemma here. It's a nice one though, because whatever you choose will turn out to be a winner.


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

We got married almost 20 years ago, and spent about $20K. I felt that we being frugal for what we got for it. Traditionally, the grooms side pays for the wedding in our culture, but then the grooms side didn't want to, then the bride side had concerns, blah blah blah, so to keep the peace and control of the wedding, my spouse and I paid for EVERYTHING. We were the first to get married out of our friends, and were lucky because we had pretty decent paying jobs and knew our closest friends were pretty strapped for cash, and we didn't think it was fair for them to put anything out of pocket for our day. Things we paid for which I don't think are the norm were all of the bridemaids dresses, shoes, make up hair, jewelry (part of their presents), the groomsman tuxedos, AND our parents outfits (that was a long story). We essential made it really easy financially for our friends and family, because I knew personally I am a perfectionist and might call on them mentally and emotionally for support.  I remember that this was about $4k back then. Don't remember the exact number, but somewhere around there. 

We had about 140 people down from the original 1400 person guest list. Yes, you read that right, my parents are very well known in the community and have about 400 family members alone we were supposed to invite. Instead, we decided to invite ONLY immediate family on my side, my husbands family and friends. 

To your question was it worth, and do people remember. Yes it was worth it, but not because of how much money we spent but just because some of the funniest memories occurred. That may have been due to dumb youth and the amount of free alcohol we had. Our closest friends are still talk about it and on our 10 and 15 anniversary due to their request, they wanted to bring out the video. (We had to make sure the kids were not watching). 

Two of our closest friends whom we were all in each other weddings had different weddings. One had a very expensive wedding at over $40K in a post golf club. We also had many fond memories, partially due to the amount of alcohol, but also the funny events that happened. The third couple got married in their parents back yard in the country, under $10K. Again, some alcohol, but many mishaps that we laugh about to this day.


Here's what I can say from the bride's view. I remember the painstaking little touches I did that would be total bridezilla that I don't think anyone noticed. These include making perfect corners with a mini rolling pin for my embossed invitations, spray painting my custom designed bubble blowers to match, making my poor bridemaids practice their timing to the music and the pace down to the foot and length of stride, the groomsmen all had to have their boutonnieres pins the in exact spot I premarked, My banquet menu was well thought out, and perfect, my cake was a replica of those fancy three tier cakes. I had planned out my photos and organized the photo shoot with the poses with military precision. I remember these little things plus so many more, and they make me smile at my complete insanity. 


From my guests view, they don't remember the invitations how perfectly folded or addressed they were, down to every envelope was stuffed the exact same way. My closest friend remembered to call me right away, the other friends and invites eventually responded. No one remembers the bubbles, other than they were kind of cute, and why were they so sticky (paint). They remember the wedding being the life of the party with their stories and speeches and how much love and friendship was shared, along with the fact that some of the boutineers got mixed up, and my problem solver (I officially assigned him as that) had to make a boutineer out of some extra random flower for of the guys, and it looked like something old aunt marge would wear. People still talk about the lobster puppet show on my video and dance afterwards, where my guest didn't quite know some of the traditional cultural foods, and made them into their own game. They remember my cake as a young guest couldn't tell if it was real or fake and decided to sick her finger in it, and they try to patch the big hole. People remember as my photo got changed because uninvited guests decided they wanted to be in them, the wedding video was well remembered as my inebriated guests some how got the video camera when the person was taking a break and decided to film their own version, which included some 'working gals' outside of the restaurant on another block. 

I have found none of the things I agonized over really mattered that much. How ever if my fiancé or my friends had said anything, I would dismiss them. That being said, I would do everything the same thing over again, except I would charge a small amount for alcohol. 

You closest friends and guest are going to remember your wedding whether it's a $100 or $100K wedding because it's really the friendships and the memories that really count. However, what a couple wants is what a couple wants. It is possible the most logical and rational couple will do totally illogical and impractical things for their wedding. That's okay too. 

At the end the day, don't worry about what your guest think, do what the two of you want. Those that truly matter will be happy to be there, those that don't, who cares.


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

In my diatribe and reminisce, I didn't really answer any of your questions...



peterk said:


> > We are planning for it to be in Ontario, where most of our family is. Leaning towards full service venues, since we will be traveling, and want to do minimal work of our own, nor do we want to ask friends/family to do a ton of work either.
> >
> > Or we could just go to the city hall, simple ceremony, cheap photographer, and a dinner party at a fancy restaurant with immediate family only (12 people) for about 5k.
> 
> ...


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

Plugging Along said:


> [to peterk, who thinks that $25k will cover college tuition for 2 kids] You haven't checked out college tuition yet have you.



no he hasn't

lots of surprises in store for this cute young engaged couple each:


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

^ Wellll 25k after 20 years in an RESP index fund @ 6%, obviously, sheesh! :biggrin: But maybe just one kid...

Thanks so much everyone for the thoughtful responses. We'll think on it and I'll try and respond here more thoroughly in a bit. It's a busy week.

And thanks for so often calling us young HP... in the face of disconcerting reality (31).


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

in ontario, you could get married at an outdoor location, if it would be a spring/summer/or even fall wedding

unitarian ministers do travel to celebrate such weddings & afaik their fees are not exorbitant & they will hand-craft a ceremony to a couple's wishes. I don't know if other churches, priests or rabbis travel to outdoor farms, suburban golf or yacht clubs, or private gardens, to conduct weddings; but some probably do.

i mention because such a venue could be less expensive. Friends & cousins could attend as well as the 12 immediate family members.

if the outdoor venue belongs to a restaurant or sports club - ie the garden of such an establishment - then the dinner party would be held at the same establishment. If the weather's good the dinner itself could be held outdoors. Usually such a golf club/yacht club/suburban/country restaurant will have a tent on hand in case it rains.

how much could such a dinner for 30 cost, plus wedding venue for the ceremony? estimating $200 per person for the meal itself - should buy a pretty sumptuous dinner, might even include wine or some champagne - plus other expenses might run $12k?

clothes are another story but it's possible to be reasonable, although not necessarily frugal, with the wedding gear as well.


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## nobleea (Oct 11, 2013)

We just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last week. Yes, we got married in January in Edmonton. You know its going to be cold, but you know its going to be sunny and blue skies forever. And it was.
I don't remember the exact cost, I think it was about 22K. It was in a mid-tier hotel, plated service. We brought a band in, which was easily the best purchase we made - guests loved it. Our costs were about average for our friends and I'd say just past half of our friends were already married at that point. The dress was cheap. We didn't get a limo or anything like that. We got a really good photographer and that was a wise investment as the photos still look great.

I became a part time wedding photographer myself a few years after that. I've probably shot close to 100 weddings. I would say the following add no value to the wedding experience: Limo, decorations/flowers, open bar. As long as the food is not horrible, no one will remember it especially the bridal party and couple. The venue doesn't matter either. The rings aren't terribly important either. Mine was $35 on ebay (titanium). Hers was pricier, but not extravagant. A large bridal party. If you have people that will get offended because they're not in the party, you need new friends. I've shot parties up to 8/side which is next to impossible to shoot. 1 or 3 people per side is ideal.
What does matter: picking a good MC. This is make or break for a reception. I vividly remember the hilarious ones as well as the cringe/brutal ones. The officiant. A good one can make it an amazing ceremony. A bad one screws up names, talks weird, adds stupid anecdotes, or is just a robot. They are not a commodity. A good photographer - a good one can plan out locations and timings, bring up suggestions for the schedule, relax and entertain the bridal party, but most importantly create timeless images that reflect the couple's personality. You may get lucky, but I've never seen a photographer under 4K that has consistently produced good images (not to say that all photographers above that price are good). It's tough because those in the industry know who the good ones are, but if you have little exposure to photography it's hard to discern the difference. I've had several clients come to me seeing if I could 'fix' their wedding photographs from another vendor.

I think we had about 115 people at our reception. It was a good size that we could sit and chat with everyone, but still have time to enjoy ourselves.


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## Longtimeago (Aug 8, 2018)

Obviously, there is no right answer to this question. For some people (dare I say usually the female) a wedding is a really big deal and nothing less than the full enchilada will make them happy. For others, eloping and spending the money instead on a honeymoon of walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain and staying in hostels for 30 days, is far more attractive an idea. It really is a case of to each his own.

However, having said that, there is a great deal of PRESSURE by outsiders around a wedding. That to me is where a great many weddings go wrong. In trying to please 'Mother', people get added to a guest list who you don't even know for example. 'Oh yes, I'm the third cousin on the bride's side'. Often it is all about the 'optics'. 'What would aunt Mabel think if we didn't invite her, she does send us a Xmas card every year you know dear daughter.' In the end, often compromises are reached and for what? To please OTHERS.

From my perspective, there are only 2 people who need to be at a wedding. I'll let you guess which two. Other than that, everything else should be decided by those two people based on what they both want and no one else. 

And here's a word from a guest. I have been to a number of weddings in my life. Some were people I would say I was close to and some not so close to. Some I wondered if the only reason I was on their guest list was because I was likely to gift them with more than the rubber chicken dinner would cost them. I am not a fan of attending weddings at all other than in a very few cases of very close friends and family. But never would I be upset if any of them chose not to have a 'big' wedding and instead chose to elope. Now that I think is an interesting point worth considering. And no wedding I have ever attended other than my own was 'memorable' to me.

If a friend or family member of your's eloped would you be upset that they didn't have a wedding and invite you? I think that is where trying to 'limit' the size of a wedding gets it wrong. If a good friend of mine had a 'small' wedding and only invited a limited number of people, I might be upset that I was not considered 'close' enough to make the cut. If it was 'family' only, no problem but if it was 'just family and close personal friends', then I think that is when someone can feel 'left out'. So it almost seems to me that it can be a case of 'go big' or don't go at all. 

As some have noted, marriage is not about the wedding, it is about all that comes after. In some ways, I think our cultural beliefs around weddings is a pain in the butt. Truth be told, I think there are probably very few 'perfect' weddings going on and a whole lot of 'do what we have to do' instead.

If it were me, I would opt for a civil wedding at next to no cost and a really nice long honeymoon hiking in the Swiss Alps. Then the reality is that the wedding I got would be exactly what my wife wanted because her happiness would trump my preferences. So there you have it peterk. All you have to do is learn that first and most important lesson of married life as a husband. All you have to do is say, 'yes dear' and your job is done.


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## Mukhang pera (Feb 26, 2016)

My older sister's wedding cost about $20,000 in 1973. My parents paid the tab, as was the norm (at least for a lot of Toronto families) back then. She divorced about 5 years later, so the amortized cost was about $4,000 a year for each year of marriage. Not bad, I suppose.

My wife and I are in that small group that believes that a wedding is actually a fairly private matter between two people. Not a public spectacle. Not anyone else's business for that matter. My wife and I were married in Vancouver one fine summer day in the backyard of the home of friends. A total of about 25 -30 friends in attendance. No family members, since the closest was 3,000 miles away and to travel to Vancouver for a wedding would make no sense. I don't think we even told family until _ex post facto_. We did not want anyone to feel like they should send a wedding gift. We also made that clear to friends who attended. No gifts. That, to us, is not what a wedding is about.

We purchased one of those free-standing canopy type of things to provide a shaded area in that part of the garden most suited to doing the actual exchange of vows, and it was decorated with flowers, etc. Our hosts already had one of those canopies and that one became sort of the "food tent". We still have the one we bought, and use now in summers. Our hosts did not want a second one and declined our offer to let the one we bought stay there. We bought some food and, as well, some in attendance and my wife made some favourites from their home country to share with all. I bought some beer and wine. 

Neither my wife nor I believe much in religion, so we did not want to be married by anyone with a religious affiliation. We engaged a BC marriage commissioner, who I think charged $100 to come out and do the job. She was a happy, enthusiastic type and she made it very nice. She fit right in and stayed for some food and drink after. We had no photographer, videographer, cinematographer , choreographer or anything else. Friends took a few pics and gave us copies, which we still have. We did not recruit Celine Dion or the Eagles, or such, to attend and belt out a few tunes. We did not invite the press or HMTQ. It was all very low key.

For us, money played no role. I was well-established by then and I could have blown $50k on a wedding without flinching. But we had what suited us. That was about 16 years ago and the amortized cost, to date, a mere bagatelle.

But I am not here to say that what we did is what others should so. For some, the grand ceremony and all the trappings are a _sine qua non_ of being married. I understand and accept that. For some, it's simply a personal thing, for others, it's rooted in culture, tradition or whatever. No doubt some here have seen weddings in India where the bride and groom are paraded about, in all their finery, dripping with gold, festooned with rupee banknotes. Not my place to tell them that represents some kind of lapse in judgment.

The comment about college tuition makes me think Peterk is much older than he lets on. A dinosaur like me might have suggested $25k, having paid $750 _a year_ to attend law school. But then, perhaps Peterk refers to tuition for 2 for a single term. One might skate by with that. Maybe. I am guessing that by the time our kid gets to university (not far away), we'll be looking at the thick end of $250,000 for 4 years for tuition and all costs. I spent 9 years after Ontario grade 13 and graduated from 3 universities. If our youngin' follows in my footsteps, $500,000 will be a bit light, even with the student pulling some of the weight (which should be the way). But I think we have our ducks in a row and will be able to cope, sans sacrifice.


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## ian (Jun 18, 2016)

My daughter had a destination wedding at a great resort a few yeas ago. This is what she had always wanted so this is what we did. Warm respite from a cold winter. It worked well. The couple had been living together for several years and had a young son.

Those that wanted to join us were welcome. We asked for no gifts.

Looking back, would she do this again. Yes, absolutely.

But we also attended a wedding in Vancouver. It was apparently a 'small' wedding. 450-500 people. It was their custom to invite all relatives and all business associates.


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## Mukhang pera (Feb 26, 2016)

Longtimeago said:


> And no wedding I have ever attended other than my own was 'memorable' to me.


I have attended my share and usually now demur and politely decline. But if it's someone close and the wish to have me there is genuine, I'll go.

For me, of all, there is one that counts as 'memorable' apart from my own. I was a kid. The bride was a cousin in Chicago. We went there. The groom was from a family "not without money" as my mother would have said. A very well-known Chicago family with "old money". As a kid, I was impressed with being housed for a few days in a mansion owned by the family, ferried around in Rolls Royce automobiles (I think about 10 of them lined up outside the big church where the wedding was held). The groom had been in the military. All his military buddies turned up in white uniforms and, after the ceremony, as the bride and groom left the church down the grand staircase, the boys in uniform stood, maybe 7 or 8 down each side of the stairs, raising crossed swords over the couple as they descended the stairs. I still recall the sight. Impressed me then. I do not recall the venue where the reception was held, but it was huge. A grand spread put on for hundreds of guests. I recall my aunt and uncle contributed the champagne, said to have cost $7,000 (a lot in them days). So, yes, memorable. And the best part? The couple is still married today! So maybe the huge and expensive display is worth it, as a guarantee of marital bliss.


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## OnlyMyOpinion (Sep 1, 2013)

We're planning our trip to attend the wedding of our niece this summer.
I much prefer getting together with extended family for the occasional wedding over attending funerals.
I wonder, is it becoming more common to get both married & buried privately, with no gathering these days?


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## ian (Jun 18, 2016)

I agree. I cannot think of one wedding that we have attended that I would call 'memorable'. Except the one that we recently decided against attending.

We were invited to a nephews wedding in Ontario last year. We were in the midst of moving homes.

In any event, I had a feeling about it. We decided not to send a cheque until after the wedding. It got cancelled one week before the blessed event. Thank goodness we did not decide to attend and incur the travel and gift expenses to attend a wedding that we really only felt a slight obligation to attend.


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## lonewolf :) (Sep 13, 2016)

I like to follow the golden rule of spending less money then I make. To have a $25,000 wedding I would want to be making more then $25,000 in a day. For most it is just not practical to spend 25,000 on a one day event


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## Prairie Guy (Oct 30, 2018)

The wedding industry is designed to make as much money as possible, and many people willingly oblige them. Back yard weddings are inexpensive and the most fun...get an event tent in case of rain and have the food catered. I remember all of the back yard weddings I've been to, but the ones in a hall run together in a blur of sameness.


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## Longtimeago (Aug 8, 2018)

lonewolf :) said:


> I like to follow the golden rule of spending less money then I make. To have a $25,000 wedding I would want to be making more then $25,000 in a day. For most it is just not practical to spend 25,000 on a one day event


Interesting concept lonewolf. How does that work though on a vacation or what about if you buy a car or whatever? This spring we are having our driveway done. Roughly $25k to do it. Does that mean you would never re-do your driveway? The concept is not making much sense to me unless you add some qualifying criteria. Are you referring ONLY to 'one day event' type things?


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## lonewolf :) (Sep 13, 2016)

Longtimeago said:


> Interesting concept lonewolf. How does that work though on a vacation or what about if you buy a car or whatever? This spring we are having our driveway done. Roughly $25k to do it. Does that mean you would never re-do your driveway? The concept is not making much sense to me unless you add some qualifying criteria. Are you referring ONLY to 'one day event' type things?


 A wedding party lasts one day. I m still using my car 13 years latter. I purchased my 05 Sun fire new for something like 10,500 using 6000 manufacturer rebate plus 1500 off when using cash back from GM credit card. Took the collision off my car when the car was about 3 years old. Since I m using the car almost daily I look @ the 10,500 as being divided by the number of days it will be used over its life time. It will probably eventually be under 2 dollars a day. If a wedding party could last 20 years instead of one day then spending 25,000 would be more practical for most. I would never buy a car for 10,000 if I could only get one day of driving 25,000 would be totally crazy.


As for vacation I will often extend my vacation to reduce the average cost. If I flew to go skiing for one day (700), rented ski equipment (40), took private lessons (500), ate @ the hill (75), stayed on the hill in luxury (300), lift ticket (100) The average daily cost for one day of skiing would be 1750.

It is not hard to reduce the daily cost by buying a season pass on sale, Car pool to ski hill, get ski lessons for free off the internet or buy an instruction video, buy my own skis, bring my own lunch, get a group together to share condo costs. The amount of money some will spend on 1 day of skiing if creative can stretch the dollars to get a 2 week vacation


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## FI40 (Apr 6, 2015)

Congratulations peterk! I think you need to make the decision with your fiance. 25k is probably on the high side for a frugal minded person but not crazy IMO. You will get gifts that technically offset the cost as others have pointed out, but best not to think about that.

We spent 15k almost a decade ago but that included the honeymoon and rings. We just got really good deals on stuff - it was at a nice venue on the lake in Oakville and traditional ceremony and sit-down dinner reception. Professional photographer, DJ, string quartet (students from UofT) for the ceremony, open bar. I do remember it as one of the best days of my life and I thought it was all perfect. My wife thinks it was perfect except for the fact that she would have preferred we hired a videographer as well. We spent most of what we had, since I had just started working and she was still in school, so even though we were somewhat frugal it was probably still reckless. I regret nothing and would do it again.


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## twa2w (Mar 5, 2016)

I haven't read all the replies on this thread so I apologize if this is a repeat.

I was unfortunate enough to have done two ways.

First wedding was big splashy affair paid for by my wife's parents who were quite well off compared to my family. Even if someone else does all the work, it is still nerve wracking making the choices and getting through the day. Cost was about 4 times the cost of a VW beetle at the time.

It was a very nice beautiful sunny late spring day I admit but nothing life defining. We were separated and divorced a year later.


Next wedding, I proposed to my girlfriend Wednesday, got special dispensation for the license to get married on Friday. Went to the Town Hall Friday after work with my boss and a secretary from my spouses work and got married. It was New Years Eve and minus 39 degrees.

We drove back to wife's home town an hour away and ordered pizza and told everyone. Cost of JP was about 100.00 IIRC - double what he asked for. At the time it was a big tax break which more than paid for the rings we looked for and got about 3 months later. The vacation/honeymoon was in the following summer.

That was 1982. Still married - no regrets. A few family members were annoyed but not upset about not being invited. They got over it.


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## OhGreatGuru (May 24, 2009)

Ordinarily I would say $25K is more than most couples ought to spend, given other spending priorities they will have in their life. But it appears you can afford it, so do what will make you and your intended happy. (Wedding planner sites will try to tell you that's the "average" cost of a wedding. But it's the only the average cost of weddings with hired wedding planners. Before of "wedding premiums" you will be charged by various services.


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## Longtimeago (Aug 8, 2018)

lonewolf :) said:


> A wedding party lasts one day. I m still using my car 13 years latter. I purchased my 05 Sun fire new for something like 10,500 using 6000 manufacturer rebate plus 1500 off when using cash back from GM credit card. Took the collision off my car when the car was about 3 years old. Since I m using the car almost daily I look @ the 10,500 as being divided by the number of days it will be used over its life time. It will probably eventually be under 2 dollars a day. If a wedding party could last 20 years instead of one day then spending 25,000 would be more practical for most. I would never buy a car for 10,000 if I could only get one day of driving 25,000 would be totally crazy.
> 
> 
> As for vacation I will often extend my vacation to reduce the average cost. If I flew to go skiing for one day (700), rented ski equipment (40), took private lessons (500), ate @ the hill (75), stayed on the hill in luxury (300), lift ticket (100) The average daily cost for one day of skiing would be 1750.
> ...


I thought you probably were referring specifically to one day events. It appears you were. While your example of a car may work out as would using similar thinking to amortize the cost of our new driveway we are going to do this spring, I think you are trying to make it work a step too far when talking about a vacation however.

Vacations are more like a wedding in that they are generally a short time frame. Not one day but only a limited number of days over which you can look at the amortized cost. While it may be possible to work it to less than a days income per day of vacation, that will only work with either a very low cost vacation ie. cheap package holiday or a relatively high per day income.

Your example of reducing your ski vacation holiday costs are fine IF they are acceptable to you. But let me give you another example. We like to go to Switzerland to hike in the early summer. We could fly Economy class and suffer its inadequacies as they exist today or we can spend more for a more comfortable experience in Business class. We could stay in a hostel (akin to sharing a condo as far as I am concerned) or we can spend more to stay in a nice boutique hotel. We could eat from a street vendor or in a nice restaurant. etc. etc. My point is that doing what you don't actually want to do in order to try and keep the cost per day below your income per day would only result in a vacation you didn't want.

I'm not saying finding ways to spend no more than necessary to have the experience you want to have is fine but when you go beyond that and put spending less money ahead of having the experience you want to have, that is just an entire waste of the money you do spend. Sometimes (and I'll use your extreme example), having one day that is exactly as you want it is better than having 2 weeks exactly as you don't want it.

My bet is that while you say you have a 'rule', you most likely ignore that rule when it doesn't work out as you would want it to. For a hiking vacation to Switzerland of 10-14 days, it costs us $10k give or take a few bucks. We don't earn $700-1000 per day but that's how much it costs us and believe me, we do look for ways to save a bit here and there. However, we are not going to dilute our experience in any way in order to save money. Some things just cost what they cost and if they are something you want, you just have to pay the price. You can't put a rule on that. There is no way you could get our hiking vacation down to a number anywhere near an income per day number unless you are in a 4 digit per day or better income level.


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## Prairie Guy (Oct 30, 2018)

It's probably not fair to amortize a vacation per day...most people have limited vacation time each year, so while $3500 spent on a 2 week trip is $250 a day, it's also 50% of your total yearly vacation if you get 4 weeks a year.


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## Rebecca (Aug 10, 2014)

This is definitely something that the bride should decide (with peter's ok, of course!). I was married about 30 years ago, and had absolutely no interest in a big wedding. My husband wasn't interested in one either. We went to city hall, tied the knot with just our immediate families present, and then hosted a party at our local pub afterward. We paid for the booze and had some munchies catered, and the total cost was about $1,000. I would never spend more than that on a wedding, but I know that most of my friends had dreamt about their "dream wedding" for years. They used to pour over "Brides" magazine and imagine themselves walking down the aisle. I had no interest in that at all. But if peter's financee *does*, then she will be most unhappy if her dreams are dashed. Peter, you just have to discuss this with her, and then make a joint decision. Good luck and congrats!


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## Beaver101 (Nov 14, 2011)

I say "go for it or the $25K wedding" given the first post says:



> ... Me and my girl put away $100k/year every year in combined savings, have 600k net worth, we just lost 35k last month on market volatility... From that perspective *25k is no big deal*. 3 months savings, which we have 20x over, or a few months of market gains....


 ... and it's all "we, we, we, we, we, we ..." which sounds to me it's only once in a lifetime deal. Congrats! :encouragement:


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## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

humble_pie said:


> way way way back in the day, the bride's parents paid for everything. For a groom it was nothing.
> 
> what happened? how did a simple ceremony plus champagne breakfast morph into $25,000 weddingzilla, other than the fact that everybody is doing it.


If you actually read history, the bride was supposed to pay for the wedding and provide a dowry.

The groom’s family was supposed to provide the matrimonial home (not the matrimonial mortgage either, clear title)...not exactly getting off Scott free.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Well, my parents surprised us with an offer of $5k towards the wedding! I was very grateful and accepted the proposition, but also offered up the idea that they could still change their minds later on. They aren't rich, low retirement savings, dad needs to work till 65 for sure, and they'll have moderate pensions. I feel a bit anguished in accepting.

We don't expect anything from her parents, and would refuse if they did. They are much worse off than my parents. Subsisting in (forced) retirement on the fact that their house is paid off, and they are very frugal. I think all they have for income is partial CPP and soon OAS & GIC pensions, and not much else.

So I think we've concluded that we'll host a full service dinner wedding, the 25k option. The gift money and large tax refunds in the spring will pretty much cover it all, at just the right time, too.


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

peterk said:


> Well, my parents surprised us with an offer of $5k towards the wedding! I was very grateful and accepted the proposition, but also offered up the idea that they could still change their minds later on. They aren't rich, low retirement savings, dad needs to work till 65 for sure, and they'll have moderate pensions. I feel a bit anguished in accepting.
> 
> We don't expect anything from her parents, and would refuse if they did. They are much worse off than my parents. Subsisting in (forced) retirement on the fact that their house is paid off, and they are very frugal. I think all they have for income is partial CPP and soon OAS & GIC pensions, and not much else.
> 
> So I think we've concluded that we'll host a full service dinner wedding, the 25k option. The gift money and large tax refunds in the spring will pretty much cover it all, at just the right time, too.



whatever you would have chosen would have been the right decision, as long as the bride was all for it

but readers here got a sense - i for one got a sense - that deep between the lines was a feeling that The Families would have been terribly disappointed by an elopement or a justice of the peace. Especially if peterk or his fiancee is an oldest child or a first child or an only child or the first child among siblings to be married, there are many Families who will absolutely count upon a traditional wedding.

i thought noblea had some good ideas about where $$ could be pruned & where $$ should be spent though. I like that idea about spending to make sure the photos & videos are first rate.

you probably could find a country club venue for the reception that would not be ultra ultra expensive? forget about retinues of attendants wearing expensive throw-away barbarella costumes? 2 attendants each for the bride & the groom are plenty. I liked noblea's detail about No Limo. A friend with a new car would be honoured to drive the bridal couple. Bet you'll find other items where you can prune away weddingzilla dollars without changing the traditional effect in the least.

.


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## Rebecca (Aug 10, 2014)

humble_pie said:


> whatever you would have chosen would have been the right decision, as long as the bride was all for it
> 
> but readers here got a sense - i for one got a sense - that deep between the lines was a feeling that The Families would have been terribly disappointed by an elopement or a justice of the peace. Especially if peterk or his fiancee is an oldest child or a first child or an only child or the first child among siblings to be married, there are many Families who will absolutely count upon a traditional wedding.
> 
> ...


I think that this post correctly accentuates the feeling that it was the bride who should have the wedding that she had dreamed of. Many parents *do* want to see a nice wedding, but there are others, like me, who got married at city hall, who have absolutely no interest in my children doing anything more than that. My husband and I would also offer $5,000 though, but would be REALLY happy if our child (if they could easily afford the affair), completely refused it, because we don't have a huge excess for our retirement either. Peter, who must know his parents well, should first think about how *they* feel about weddings and then decide if he should reject their gift or accept it.


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## Longtimeago (Aug 8, 2018)

Now all you need to do is trim some costs with suggestions you have been given, get it done for $20k and give your parents back the $5k they have given you with the explanation, 'turns out we didn't need as much as we thought we did. Thank you so much for the $5k but we now want to give it back.'

In regards to trimming costs, I saw a TV program a while back about wedding dresses. They put together some dresses and then had some upcoming brides choose their favourite without knowing the price of any of them. Dresses cost from a couple of hundred to several thousand. Almost invariably, the dress chosen was one of the lower cost ones when price was left out of the equation. In other words, most brides go into a wedding dress shop and look at prices. The simple act of looking at prices influences their decision in that they expect a more expensive dress to be more beautiful than a lower priced dress. It's a psychological thing that happens.

Venues are another area where costs can obviously vary a great deal. Thinking out of the box and choosing a more 'unique' venue can be just as exciting as choosing a more 'expensive' venue. I know a couple who had a large traditional wedding in a church at 10am and then a wedding 'lunch' at a large hotel near the airport. The hotel included a room for the bride and groom for the night before and a late check-out on the wedding day. The couple went to the room to change into their 'travelling clothes' after the luncheon and pick up their suitcases. Then the entire wedding party took the hotel shuttle buses to the airport to see them off at Departures. The bride threw her bouquet over her shoulder in Departures just before they walked through the gate.

The wedding party then returned to the airport hotel where they had their cars parked or a room booked if they were from out of town. Pretty simple really.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

nobleea said:


> I don't remember the exact cost, I think it was about 22K. It was in a mid-tier hotel, plated service. We brought a band in, which was easily the best purchase we made - guests loved it. Our costs were about average for our friends and I'd say *just past half of our friends were already married at that point.* The dress was cheap. We didn't get a limo or anything like that. *We got a really good photographer and that was a wise investment as the photos still look great.
> 
> *I became a part time wedding photographer myself a few years after that. I've probably shot close to 100 weddings. I would say the following add no value to the wedding experience: Limo, decorations/flowers, open bar. As long as the food is not horrible, no one will remember it especially the bridal party and couple. The venue doesn't matter either. The rings aren't terribly important either. Mine was $35 on ebay (titanium). Hers was pricier, but not extravagant. *A large bridal party*. If you have people that will get offended because they're not in the party, you need new friends. I've shot parties up to 8/side which is next to impossible to shoot. 1 or 3 people per side is ideal.
> What does matter: *picking a good MC.* This is make or break for a reception. I vividly remember the hilarious ones as well as the cringe/brutal ones. The officiant. A good one can make it an amazing ceremony. A bad one screws up names, talks weird, adds stupid anecdotes, or is just a robot. They are not a commodity. A good photographer - a good one can plan out locations and timings, bring up suggestions for the schedule, *relax and entertain the bridal party*, but most importantly create timeless images that reflect the couple's personality. *You may get lucky, but I've never seen a photographer under 4K that has consistently produced good images *(not to say that all photographers above that price are good). It's tough because those in the industry know who the good ones are, but if you have little exposure to photography it's hard to discern the difference. I've had several clients come to me seeing if I could 'fix' their wedding photographs from another vendor.
> ...


Bridal party will only be 2+2. Ya, I was groomsman last year in a wedding with 4 groomsmen and 6 bridesmaids, that was a lot...

I am also an amateur photographer (was the school newspaper photo editor in university) and will make sure I don't get a dud!

I have no idea who the MC ought to be. Been thinking of asking my sister... Been to a couple weddings with a pair as MCs and that seemed to work well too. Less stressful for the individuals.



humble_pie said:


> whatever you would have chosen would have been the right decision, as long as the bride was all for it
> 
> but readers here got a sense - i for one got a sense - that deep between the lines was a feeling that *The Families would have been terribly disappointed by an elopement *or a justice of the peace. Especially if peterk or his fiancee is an oldest child or a first child or an only child or *the first child among siblings to be married*, there are many Families who will absolutely count upon a traditional wedding.
> 
> ...


Yup, spot on. Though among friends and cousin family, we are near the last get married. And ya, I think our parents are very excited for the wedding. My mom was instantly talking about the ordeal of buying her own dress (making it sound as complicated as the bridal dress!) and my dad had a few suggestions for invites from the extended family. People I don't know all that well, but he does, and they are local. I think that's part of the reason for the money gift.



Rebecca said:


> I think that this post correctly accentuates the feeling that it was the bride who should have the wedding that she had dreamed of. Many parents *do* want to see a nice wedding, but there are others, like me, who got married at city hall, who have absolutely no interest in my children doing anything more than that. My husband and I would also offer $5,000 though, but would be REALLY happy if our child (if they could easily afford the affair), completely refused it, because we don't have a huge excess for our retirement either. *Peter, who must know his parents well, should first think about how they feel about weddings and then decide if he should reject their gift or accept it.*



When it comes down to it, the main thing holding us back from the idea for a big wedding, vs. eloping or a 10-person immediate family only affair, was that it's expensive, and we decided that's not a good enough reason. Also a factor is that we aren't the most social/party people. Being on display sounds nerve wracking, but then we thought we should just power through and use it an opportunity to be pushed beyond our comfort zone, and that it's an important social event for cementing relationships, especially with our cross-country family & friends.


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## CalgaryPotato (Mar 7, 2015)

I know 25K doesn't go far for a wedding these days as ridiculous as it sounds.

Here are my thoughts: Think really hard about your guest list, do you have your parents friends on there? I had some, and after my parents passed away, those people never kept in touch. Even our own friends, over the last 15 years we don't even talk to more than half of those we invited. 

If you can cut down to a 50 person wedding, which sounds difficult, but again try to focus on people that you or your wife are actually personally close to, you can cut down on so much of the cost.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

CalgaryPotato said:


> I know 25K doesn't go far for a wedding these days as ridiculous as it sounds.
> 
> Here are my thoughts: Think really hard about your guest list, do you have your parents friends on there? I had some, and after my parents passed away, those people never kept in touch. Even our own friends, over the last 15 years we don't even talk to more than half of those we invited.
> 
> If you can cut down to a 50 person wedding, which sounds difficult, but again try to focus on people that you or your wife are actually personally close to,* you can cut down on so much of the cost.*


Hey Potato, well I thought that at first, but in the end could not come up with a reasonable 40-50 person invite list. It was either 12, or 100! Also, I'm not so sure about cutting costs so much, because there's hardly any savings for once you are talking about seating a group of more than ~40 for dinner. The venue is the same, and the per head cost is <$150 to add more people. Really it's hard to bother excluding 10% of the people when it means the wedding is going to cost $21,000 vs. $22,500.

There are only a few people we plan to invite at the request of parents anyways. And even then, there won't be a single person there that we don't "know" to some degree. 

And as much as it is about "us" the couple, I think the wedding is also about the joining of families, celebrating with family/friends, and also a celebration for the parents and their friends, for a life goal achieved, marrying off the children. Sure it's easy to say "you don't need that uncle or 2nd cousin there", but a family is only so large, and you are stuck with them forever, so watch out! It's also an act of greasing the relationships of the many now-joined peoples from both sides of the family. And who knows how/why/when my would-be wife's uncle or my dad's cousin or my mom's college roommate might come in handy to keep the good-will with, someday down the road... Seems like a pretty easy $150 decision.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

Enjoy the event Peter. It sounds like it will be a great family celebration.


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## Prairie Guy (Oct 30, 2018)

CalgaryPotato said:


> I know 25K doesn't go far for a wedding these days as ridiculous as it sounds.


That's because the wedding industry has conditioned people to spend outrageous amounts....the diamond industry and their "two month's salary" campaign is another example of engineering behaviour until it's become the accepted norm.

My ideal wedding is a small back yard party with less than 50 guests.


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## Mukhang pera (Feb 26, 2016)

Prairie Guy said:


> That's because the wedding industry has conditioned people to spend outrageous amounts....the diamond industry and their "two month's salary" campaign is another example of engineering behaviour until it's become the accepted norm.
> 
> My ideal wedding is a small back yard party with less than 50 guests.


That's my ideal too, PG. But we're not all the same. For some, the grand affair is important. If they can afford it and enjoy it, why not? I think the parents on both sides should have some input. Apparently, in the case of Peterk, both sides are on board, even though he reports that none of the parents have wealth. In some cases, where one or both sets of parents are not well off, I would think the not-so-well-off ones might see an expensive wedding as profligate. Here, I gather such is not the case. So, if it will be an event the whole of both families will enjoy, celebrated with friends, something they will remember, then no one should seek to be a wet blanket. 

As I mentioned upthread, I attended a wedding in Chicago as a kid. I was in 7th grade. My cousin's (the bride's) parents were ordinary folks living in an apartment in Evanston. The groom's parents were Chicago nobility. There was probably no one in the state who did not know the family name and some of their holdings. I would guess the event, in those days, cost in the tens of thousands. I have been to a fair number of weddings since, with nothing nearly as spectacular (although, I'll admit, I was more impressionable at that age). 

I mention the Chicago wedding again since it took place decades ago. Not sure the wedding industry's influence was as strong then. But, even then, there were some spending outrageous amounts. I have attended a few weddings in third world countries where I saw outrageous amounts spent, at least in terms of what the locals could afford. In that setting, I kinda' perceived the extravagance as a vulgar show of wealth and I would have felt guilty spending an amount that could have gone far if applied to some local charitable endeavours. But that's just me.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Prairie Guy said:


> That's because the wedding industry has conditioned people to spend outrageous amounts....the diamond industry and their "two month's salary" campaign is another example of engineering behaviour until it's become the accepted norm.
> 
> My ideal wedding is a small back yard party with less than 50 guests.


My main complaint in all this is the seemingly poor value provided by these "nice" venues. Yes they have nice settings and food and services, but so do fancy restaurants and they seem to scrape by somehow. Where does the $120/plate come from when you have a large group of dinner eaters eating 3 courses, half of whom will choose salad and chicken and have 1 glass of wine? Even a fancy restaurant can't possibly expect to get more than ~$60/head from your average customer due to the number of chicken eaters and water drinkers who balance out the filet and Italian wine folks. And THEN, they want to charge me for the room? an empty room? and it's made out to be a luxury service that they are providing things like chairs, table clothes, set tables and waitresses? Just like...a restaurant!?! that gets $60 for the food and drink? and doesn't charge you for your seat?...


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## Longtimeago (Aug 8, 2018)

Apparently, the wedding dress shops are having a hard time these days. Many younger people are choosing not to spend a lot of money on bride and bridesmaids dresses and others are buying online. There was a news item on TV the other night about yet another store closing down and leaving some brides with no dress, weeks before their wedding.

I agree about the meal price generally seeming to be somewhat unjustifiable. I also think many of the meals that are served are not much above standard airline 'rubber chicken'. I have certainly never been to a big wedding dinner where I thought, 'oh, this meal is the equal of what I would expect in an upmarket restaurant.' I'm sure such meals are served but how often and at what price? 

Part of the meal problem I am sure is the need to 'plate' 100 meals in a very short period of time. The more meals required to be plated in a given period of time, the lower your expectations need to be. At a wedding, people don't generally like to sit watching others eat while they wait to be served and that means the kitchen has to try and get them all out in a very short period. A restaurant may plate 100+ meals in an hour but never in 15 minutes.


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## Prairie Guy (Oct 30, 2018)

Longtimeago said:


> Part of the meal problem I am sure is the need to 'plate' 100 meals in a very short period of time. The more meals required to be plated in a given period of time, the lower your expectations need to be. At a wedding, people don't generally like to sit watching others eat while they wait to be served and that means the kitchen has to try and get them all out in a very short period. A restaurant may plate 100+ meals in an hour but never in 15 minutes.


Hotels and banquet halls serve large groups of people all the time for corporate dinners and other events so they're set up to handle those situations. I'm sure if you compare the meal cost for a corporate dinner for 150 people to a wedding of 150 people there will be a big difference.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Well, it's done! ~$34k all-in-all, including clothes, travel, etc.

So, still not good "value" in the end, but everyone seemed to love it, and it was a once in a lifetime event. I hem and haw a bit, but I don't regret it, and I'm glad I could afford it.

Got $18k total in gifts (10k combined from the parents), so out $16k personally.

For perspective, since the engagement in Dec 2018 (big market dip), my NW is up $100k, and hers up $30k, so the wedding was hardly noticed in the budget.


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## lightcycle (Mar 24, 2012)

Congrats, peterk!

We also spent quite a bit on our wedding, relatively speaking. But we didn't rely on our parents, and we didn't over-extend ourselves because the cost was in line with our combined incomes, so I feel happy because it turned out the way we wanted it to. We invited the people that were closest to us, that had supported the both of us throughout the years, so we wanted to treat them during our celebrations.

I'm glad that everyone appreciated the good food (and open bar)...


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## redsgomarching (Mar 6, 2016)

Congrats! What was the attendance? I have mine coming up and both sets of parents have stated to expect a guest list of around 600 for both wedding and reception and want to do the wedding and reception on two separate days. lol


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

redsgomarching said:


> Congrats! What was the attendance? I have mine coming up and both sets of parents have stated to expect a guest list of around 600 for both wedding and reception and want to do the wedding and reception on two separate days. lol


Is that 600 total or 600 per side? Either way, yowza!


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

Congrats Peter! Now that the wedding is done, you get to celebrate the important part - the marriage.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Thanks folks!

Wow reds! that's a lot... Ours was small, only 75 guests.

Once the number is >100 or so, it start to make sense to look at separate halls, caterers, rentals, etc. That was too much work for us, and with such a small guest list anyways it made sense and didn't cost more to just book a full service venue that did everything on site.


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

redsgomarching said:


> I have mine coming up and both sets of parents have stated to expect a guest list of around 600 for both wedding and reception and want to do the wedding and reception on two separate days. lol



lol is right if it were myself i'd seriously consider eloping

i've only known one wedding on that scale. Held for 3 days on a country estate. The bride's parents organized & paid for everything. The MOTB was a well-known socialite icon who was totally capable of organizing a beauteous 3 day festival with champagne banquets for 200 sit down guests on ice-bound arctic Thule.

for this 3-day affair, hotels & resorts were booked with wedding guests for miles around. While the MOTB looked after all the food & all the catering, the FOTB & one of the existing SILs organized a full 3-day program of sports & social events. Golf, tennis, swimming, sailing, yacht excursions on the big lake which extends down into new york state, bridge, knitting, sniffing the roses, strawberry picking, cross-country biking, wedding guests were offered activities from breakfast to afternoon tea. From 5 o'clock on, cocktails, dinner, dancing.

i attended day 2 & day 3, which saw the marriage ceremony itself. Never again. It was like a destination wedding. A guest was not free to wander or to be himself or herself. 

me i think that loving celebrations of a couple's nuptials that last 6, 8 or even 10 hours are storybook perfect. One day only.

but anything that traps a wedding guest for 2 or 3 days at a particular location is not a holiday, it's more like a military show parade which never ends. The underlying discipline is intense. Guests are not present to relax & enjoy themselves, they are present to celebrate, congratulate, cherish & admire the bridal couple. That's their assignment. It's a job. There's also a deeper underlying meme of having to admire the lavish possessions of the host family, which they are - none too subtly - showing off. All this hour after hour after hour, day after day after day. _Too much._


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

peterk said:


> Well, it's done!
> 
> ... everyone seemed to love it, and it was a once in a lifetime event. I hem and haw a bit, but I don't regret it, and I'm glad I could afford it.



congratulations to the new couple! mille félicitations!

but i'll miss that cute young engaged couple. I love bridal preparations & always want them to go on forever.

i thought one of your most refreshing original wedding preparation ideas was to have the pre-honeymoon first, weeks before the ceremony. That would be before the pressure had set in, ie a time when exotic advanced travel would actually be more enjoyable & less stressed than it might be in the aftermath of a big wedding ceremony.

then you used the time after the ceremony itself - which was far away from home base in alberta - to re-connect with family & old college friends back east

a great idea which i've never seen anywhere else

btw Plugging had the best marital advice this forum has ever seen. Do you remember it peterk? when debating contentiously things like whether her husband should buy a truck he didn't really need - i think Plug & hubs might even have been arguing - Plug said she gave in & conceded because a truck is way cheaper than a divorce ... each:


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

humble_pie said:


> congratulations to the new couple! mille félicitations!
> 
> but i'll miss that cute young engaged couple. I love bridal preparations & always want them to go on forever.
> 
> ...


Ha, well I'm glad it's over. Turns out you can plan a wedding in 6 months pretty easily - I feel for the man who is in a 2-year-long engagement/wedding preparation schedule.

Yes, the pre-honeymoon turned out great. More happenstance really, it was spring, flowers were ready, wedding still 2 months away, felt like a now or never situation (though probably not in hindsight, Netherlands was really easy to navigate),

This past week of "local honeymoon" was also great 

- One extra night in the wedding hotel honeymoon suite, after everyone else left
- Then out to lake Huron to a cottage with her family for a night, beach, and reconnected with all the cousins
- Down to lake Erie for some perch and chips, beach, and birdwatching at point peelee
- Crossed over to Detroit and visited the Henry Ford museum - amazing!

- Then worked our way back to Toronto for 3 nights in the Fairmont Royal York
- Canada's Wonderland
- Lion King show
- Tall Ships Festival
- Fairmont eggs benedict breakfasts
- Blue Jays game (bottom of the 9th home run FTW)
- Rib Festival

Now back home and relaxing for Canada day


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

humble_pie said:


> lol is right if it were myself i'd seriously consider eloping
> 
> me i think that loving celebrations of a couple's nuptials that last 6, 8 or even 10 hours are storybook perfect. One day only.
> 
> _Too much._


Yep.... my family is used to pretty large weddings, my parents are quite high maintenance and traditional when it comes to weddings. My oldest sibling got married the same year as Wayne and Janet Gretkzy (the celebrity wedding of the year). They are more guests than the Gretky's and had to rent out the restaurant twice for TWO sittings. When the middle got married, there were larger facilities, so 700+ people. When I got engaged, I warned my spouse that every wedding in my family ended up in some fights (I remember looking for the ring my sister in law threw in the garden), with the eventual wedding happening but it was not for the weak of heart. I suggested that we elope, my parents even offered to pay for it plus use some of the money for a down payment for a house. Nope, his parents wanted the wedding. Our guest list ballooned to over 1200 (I didn't accidently add a zero). Arguments started to happen, my parents said 'all or nothing'. I said 'Enough, it's NOTHING!' Then we cut out the guest list to less than 150, we paid for everything ourselves, and it was the best wedding according to my siblings.


My theory is in my family, if you can get through the wedding, you will get through the marriage. We have all been with our for spouses more than 20 years, with my older sibling over 40. 




humble_pie said:


> btw Plugging had the best marital advice this forum has ever seen. Do you remember it peterk? when debating contentiously things like whether her husband should buy a truck he didn't really need - i think Plug & hubs might even have been arguing - Plug said she gave in & conceded because a truck is way cheaper than a divorce ... each:


Since we made it through the crazy wedding planning, and many other ups and downs of marriage, I ask this question on the seemingly very big stuff. Since we have been together so long, most of isn't really that big.


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## Zipper (Nov 18, 2015)

Justin and Julie sent us certificates on our 50th Wedding Anniversary last month.

My brother and his wife were also married that same summer.


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

Plugging Along said:


> my family is used to pretty large weddings, my parents are quite high maintenance and traditional when it comes to weddings. My oldest sibling got married the same year as Wayne and Janet Gretkzy (the celebrity wedding of the year). They are more guests than the Gretky's and had to rent out the restaurant twice for TWO sittings.


oh dear (brass band marching music to stimulate) (oom pah pah) 





> When the middle got married, there were larger facilities, so 700+ people. When I got engaged, I warned my spouse that every wedding in my family ended up in some fights (I remember looking for the ring my sister in law threw in the garden)


(loud discordant notes) (clarinet wailing) (kazoos)





> Our guest list ballooned to over 1200 (I didn't accidently add a zero). Arguments started to happen


(kettle drums) (tuba) (in the hall of the mountain troll king) 






> Then we cut out the guest list to less than 150, we paid for everything ourselves, and it was the best wedding according to my siblings


(after the storm) (ode to joy)


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## redsgomarching (Mar 6, 2016)

Spudd said:


> Is that 600 total or 600 per side? Either way, yowza!


600 total, I had to put my foot down at that. Why we are spending the equivalent to a downpayment on a house is beyond me but I realized that part of the wedding is not just for me and my future wife but for our parents to put on an event for the respective families.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

redsgomarching said:


> 600 total, I had to put my foot down at that. Why we are spending the equivalent to a downpayment on a house is beyond me but I realized that part of the wedding is not just for me and my future wife but for our parents to put on an event for the respective families.


Well, now in hindsight, I'd describe a "big" or "fancy" wedding as "a worthwhile luxury to undertake if you can afford it without detrimental effects to your life/financial plans". If you can't afford it, then there is no shame in having a smallish, privateish, or simple (no dinner or drinks) wedding, too. The important part is the ceremony and the afterwards gathering with loved ones. The exact style/venue/meal doesn't matter much, so long as it results in good shared memories with the invitees.

I don't regret hosting our wedding as we did at all, but if I couldn't afford it, or I spent too much (it was getting close) then I would've regretted that.

I think I also would've regretted eloping. Mostly, if we eloped, I would have been left always wondered if that was the wrong decision, and fretted about it. Now I know.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Wow blast from the past. Thank God we did it fast and got married in 2019 (Engagement to wedding in 5 months), instead of waiting a year...

Our NW is up $400k+ in 2 years since the wedding. The 35k expense has just vanished into the mist... along with all the other life expenses. Of course, we have been very fortunate, both before and after the wedding, and I still wouldn't encourage others to have an expensive wedding if it means they are causing themselves hardship or delaying their other financial/life goal.

Lots of people eloping in 2020/2021 it seems because of Coronavirus... maybe that's a blessing for them. No pressure to have an expensive wedding you can't afford. Many others though are staying the course and delaying until 2022/2023. I feel sorry for them, having their lives put on hold like that.


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## Gator13 (Jan 5, 2020)

It was a long time ago so I can't remember what we spent on our wedding (about 250 people), but we paid for it ourselves other than minimal contributions from parents. Not an inexpensive day, but not ridiculous either.

We typically give a gift of $1k now. It's a small token to participate in the day and also help the couple with the cost of the event.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Gator13 said:


> We typically give a gift of $1k now. It's a small token to participate in the day and also help the couple with the cost of the event.


Yes looking back I feel a little cheap about the wedding gifts I've given... $100/head is the standard and what I usually did.

Going forward I'll give $500 min. or maybe $1000.

Marriage is a big deal and fewer and fewer people are participating or attempting to live regular lives and carry on our long-standing traditions in the face of a crumbling society...Good behaviour should be encouraged and rewarded.


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## MrBlackhill (Jun 10, 2020)

We decided that we should marry and then got married 2 months later. It was on February 29th, 2020. Right before pandemic restrictions hit.

The wedding cost was $7k all included (rings, clothes and accessories, food, cake, alcohol, music, etc.). It was a cocktail reception (not sure if I'm using the right term in English). Food was great. Everybody was happy and enjoying their time. We did it during an afternoon.

We were about 75 people. We planned everything by ourselves and paid for everything. But then we added all the cash gifts we received and it fully covered the cost of the wedding.

It was during the winter and we did it in a place like this. We had the 2nd floor to ourselves.

The most important part of the wedding is that you are happy with your choices and you enjoy time with your loved ones (friends and family).


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## moderator2 (Sep 20, 2017)

I removed the spammer, in case anyone is wondering what these responses are to.



peterk said:


> Our NW is up $400k+ in 2 years since the wedding.


Congrats! Is this mainly due to strong incomes from both of you, or also due to good markets?


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## pwm (Jan 19, 2012)

We got married by a judge in the Law Courts in Winnipeg in 1970. I think I remember having to pay for a marriage license and we had to pay the judge a small fee. After that we got some photos taken in a small photo studio on Broadway. Neither of us had a car and were using monthly bus passes, but I rented a car for that week-end. Monday morning was back to taking the bus again. I suppose our total cost was ~ $35 plus the bargain rings we got. We're still together after > 50 years and I have seen many marriages that started with extravagant events only last a few years before divorce proceedings, so I can attest to this fact: The amount spent on the wedding will have no bearing on how long the marriage will last.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

moderator2 said:


> I removed the spammer, in case anyone is wondering what these responses are to.
> 
> 
> 
> Congrats! Is this mainly due to strong incomes from both of you, or also due to good markets?


Thought that was a suspicious thread bump...

I don't actually know the breakdown - A quick guess would be about 50:50. I've lost track of my savings rate and spending rate calcs in recent years... Too much on the go, and I spreadsheet enough as it is  Maybe I'll try and figure it out for my next diary update!


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