# Wedding gift etiquette



## leeder

Hi everyone, I figure I should throw this out to the general discussion forum. I have a friend getting married this fall, but is not accepting any boxed gifts. They seem to be hinting at cash gift, based on the invitation. Now I haven't participated in a lot of weddings and never at a wedding where cash is preferred, so I just wanted to get a general idea of wedding gift etiquette (if there is one). My question would be:

1) If cash is what they prefer, how much is a reasonable amount?

2) For boxed gifts, usually I would send to their home. For cash gifts, I assume I give to them during the banquet after the wedding?

3) Would gift card be more preferable than straight up cash? Any suggestions as to what's a good gift, aside from cash, that's not boxed?

Thanks, I appreciate your advice and suggestions.


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## Daenerys Targaryen

I always give cash at a wedding, I put it in a card and there is usually a box for you to drop it in when you enter the reception.
I give $100 or $150 depending on how close of a relationship I have with the bride and/or groom, but I'm single so I always go to weddings alone, I'm not sure if you are supposed to give more if you bring a date.


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## Koala

It depends. They might want cash, or it just might be that boxed gifts would be a hassle for them. If it's a destination wedding, it's possible that a gift card for a typical wedding registry store would be appreciated (or sending a gift to their place would also be appropriate). If they will be moving soon and buying a place, a gift card to something like home depot would probably be appreciated. They might want cash for a honeymoon or a down payment. Usually no registry is a hint that they would prefer cash. A cheque is the safest option, in case their cards are stolen (just put or instead of and, some banks make it a little difficult for a couple if they don't have a joint account).

The great thing with cash is it can be used for whatever the couple wants. Even if they had a registry, couples get a discount at the store for registering.
The problem with cash is the couple knows exactly what you spent, no appearing generous when hitting up a great sale (although even then, I would include a gift receipt and if they return it, they know how much was spent).

It's not really considered proper etiquette, but if you're confused as to how much to give covering your plate (or two if you're not going alone) is a good estimate. Also factor in how close you are to the couple, and what you can afford.


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## mrPPincer

Daenerys Targaryen said:


> I always give cash at a wedding, I put it in a card and there is usually a box for you to drop it in when you enter the reception.
> I give $100 or $150 depending on how close of a relationship I have with the bride and/or groom, but I'm single so I always go to weddings alone, I'm not sure if you are supposed to give more if you bring a date.


Same.
Last three weddings I went to I gave $100 inside a card.
I figure for one person $50 would barely cover their costs for the meal etc.so $100 seems ok to me, but this is rural area with low living expenses so depending on a number of factors you might go with more, or less.


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## DanFo

I just left a 200 gift last weekend but I am fairly close to the groom. When I was the best man it turned into 3K....other weddings usually 1-2 hundred ..It also depends on what you can afford..if they know you make a small salary they'll be happy with whatever you give them they will understand what you could afford...I am not a shopper so i usually just give cash and they can pay off some of the wedding bills.


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## Dopplegangerr

My wedding is in less then 4 weeks. We are hoping for cash as we move and travel a lot we have not picked a proper place to settle down and there for have not started accumulating things. It is costing me $100+ for each guests food and wine. So anything above that is really more of a gift I would say, the 100 just covers there own cost for dinner. But I have no exceptions on people, they can do as they like.


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## the-royal-mail

I would stay away from gift cards. Those are a racket as the fine print on them is a real navigation minefield and then you restrict the recipient to buying from that store. Cash is flexible and can be quickly deposited into a bank account for use on a honeymoon, trip, furniture, moving expenses etc and since cash is what they've asked for, your job is easy. There's little etiquette with this. Put the $x bill in a card or envelope of some sort and simply hand it to them at the banquet after. Don't bother with cheques or money orders etc and don't make this more complicated than it needs to be.


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## LondonHomes

The other thing to take into account is what type of wedding is it. You should at least cover the cost of your meal but if it is a backyard affair with snacks you should give less than if it is a 5 course dinner with an open bar.

My rule of thumb would be to start at between $100 to $150 per person and then adjust for the wedding style.


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## andrewf

Wedding are also always more expensive than you think. I don't understand why a mediocre meal and drinks should cost over $100/plate.


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## kcowan

Destination wedding in PV where we live. Gave them a light purchased locally for their new house. Cost was $150 but they are worth $450 in Canada. (Plus shared our source with them for other household items.)


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## Cal

So many people are getting married later in life now, they mostly have everything they need in regards to home items. Cash is a hassle free way to go.

How much, depends upon the wedding meal, open bar and such. But if you would much rather get a gift card, you could even do an AMEX gift card, and they could use it as they please.


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## SW20 MR2

We only give cash. At a minimum, we will cover the cost of our plates, which will generally be $100-150 per person. If it's a closer friend/family, we'll give $200-300 per person.


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## crooked beat

SW20 MR2 said:


> We only give cash. At a minimum, we will cover the cost of our plates, which will generally be $100-150 per person. If it's a closer friend/family, we'll give $200-300 per person.


Usually we give cost of dinner plus $200


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## Karen

I've read many references in recent years to the cost of the wedding gift (be it cash or a boxed gift) having to be at least as much as the cost of the meal, and I must say I don't like it one bit. I know it's the accepted thing these days, but to me weddings have become much too commercialized - more about the financial aspects of the wedding than they are about the couple and the commitment they are making to each other. When I was young, nobody would have given a moment's thought to comparing the cost of the meal they were going to be served to the value of the gift they were giving. I think I always gave generously when I was a wedding guest, but it had nothing to do with what I thought the cost of the meal was going to be.

Some of the nicest weddings I've been to have been small affairs (family and close friends only), and I have come home from several of those feeling very positive about the future of the couples involved because they seem to know what's important in life.

I realize this doesn't solve the OP's problem. I would urge him to give what he wants to give and can afford to give and not worry about what the wedding is costing his friends; - that's not his problem.


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## marina628

I agree with Karen and I have recently attended two weddings of my nieces where they had the fancy ballrooms ,6 course meals and paid $6000 for photos etc.They were easily $50,000 weddings and The entire family was put off when we were told dinners cost $98.50 plus the cost of the shrimp tree ,desert table and the alcohol.We gave them $500 but some family members who had done their cards before arriving were feeling awkward for only giving $200 knowing it did not even cover the meals.My nephew had a garden wedding in his parents back yard and hired a company to sit up tents tables and chairs and hired a company to do bbq chicken and ribs for 200 people.They charges $19.50 a person including all the trimmings ,after dinner they removed some of the tables ,set up the dj and a few friends managed to bar for the night.It was one of the best weddings we attended and they spent about $7000 total.


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## Four Pillars

I agree with Karen and Marina. I think there is something to be said for covering costs, but what costs? 

I normally give $100 per person, because I feel that is a reasonable amount for the meal and drinks. 

If they choose to spend more money on other fancy stuff or a more expensive meal, then that's their problem.


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## kcowan

For my money, I would prefer a high end wedding to a budget affair, but I recognize that some people can't afford it. For them, I am more likely to give a gift of money than something that they may no need. Like any expense, there are numerous views of what constitutes value. All the OP can hope for is a set of guidelines for making their decision.


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## Beaver101

Karen said:


> I've read many references in recent years to the cost of the wedding gift (be it cash or a boxed gift) having to be at least as much as the cost of the meal, and I must say I don't like it one bit. *I know it's the accepted thing these days, but to me weddings have become much too commercialized *- more about the financial aspects of the wedding than they are about the couple and the commitment they are making to each other. ....
> 
> I realize this doesn't solve the OP's problem. *I would urge him to give what he wants to give and can afford to give and not worry about what the wedding is costing his friends; - that's not his problem*.


+1 and I would decline any invitation that I feel the friend(s) or family don't deserve anything because the "give me give me" mentality .:rolleyes2:... never gets.


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## Toronto.gal

Beaver101 said:


> I would decline any invitation that I feel the friend(s) or family don't deserve anything because the "give me give me" mentality .:rolleyes2:... never gets.


I decline all such invitations from acquaintances, as I see no reason for me to be part of such a celebration.

*Karen:* I agree with all your comments!


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## Karen

kcowan said:


> For my money, I would prefer a high end wedding to a budget affair, but I recognize that some people can't afford it. For them, I am more likely to give a gift of money than something that they may no need. Like any expense, there are numerous views of what constitutes value. All the OP can hope for is a set of guidelines for making their decision.


I don't even like the way this comment is worded, since it suggests that some people choose a small, intimate wedding for budgetary reasons, and that is often not true. Many people choose to share their special day with their family and close friends - people who genuinely care about them. I've been to a number of that type of weddings, and I've been to big "wedding of the year" events where the bride and groom barely know many of their guests, and I know which I prefer.


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## jet powder

Leeder
I think it is best to give @ least enough money to cover the cost you added by you having been there i.e., the meal, booze etc

Often though the best is not practical & it does not match that which one can afford. If your low on cash a strong debate could be made that it is best to give only that which you can aford & before hand I would sugest being honest & letting them know your financial situation.

Perhaps you could return the invitation indicating you want to be responsible for the extra costs you add to the wedding & you will arrive after the supper & will be able to enjoy yourself without any of the free booze. If they serve any. Also give them the option to invite someone else since you cant afford the supper & let them know you understand & will respect thier decision


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## Karen

In view of my earlier comments, I'm sure it won't surprise you to know that I find the above attitude completely appalling. Talk about commercializing a wedding - should we cross everyone off our guest list who may not be able to afford a costly enough gift to cover the cost of their dinner and liquor? Do we leave out friends of whom we're very fond but who don't have a high enough income to buy us the kind of gift we think we deserve? And if, heaven forbid, the bride and groom have misjudged and think we are better off than we are, then I assume you're saying we should refuse the invitation, no matter how much we care for the couple and want to share their wedding day with them. I will state my opinion once again - we should send invitations to the people who care the most for us and consider the gift they will bring a completely separate affair. I for one, would feel terrible if a potential guest told me that they couldn't come to my wedding because they couldn't afford to pay for their supper - I would wonder what kind of friend they thought I was.


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## financialnoob

Karen said:


> In view of my earlier comments, I'm sure it won't surprise you to know that I find the above attitude completely appalling. Talk about commercializing a wedding - should we cross everyone off our guest list who may not be able to afford a costly enough gift to cover the cost of their dinner and liquor? Do we leave out friends of whom we're very fond but who don't have a high enough income to buy us the kind of gift we think we deserve? And if, heaven forbid, the bride and groom have misjudged and think we are better off than we are, then I assume you're saying we should refuse the invitation, no matter how much we care for the couple and want to share their wedding day with them. I will state my opinion once again - we should send invitations to the people who care the most for us and consider the gift they will bring a completely separate affair. I for one, would feel terrible if a potential guest told me that they couldn't come to my wedding because they couldn't afford to pay for their supper - I would wonder what kind of friend they thought I was.












I agree Karen. 

To me, it's an extension of all that is wrong with modern marriage. Some people want to get married without thinking much about what it means to be married. The first day is a big day, but it is only the first day. I'd rather have a more solid financial foundation for the first 1,000 days than have a nicer first day.


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## kcowan

Karen said:


> I don't even like the way this comment is worded, since it suggests that some people choose a small, intimate wedding for budgetary reasons, and that is often not true. Many people choose to share their special day with their family and close friends - people who genuinely care about them. I've been to a number of that type of weddings, and I've been to big "wedding of the year" events where the bride and groom barely know many of their guests, and I know which I prefer.


It might surpirse you to know that I agree with your strawman because it is not me!


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## OhGreatGuru

Cash gifts have been a long-standing tradition in some cultures. 

It seems to be becoming more wide-spread now. Perhaps because couples are marrying later, and often have their household established before marrying, so what's the point in giving them another Mixmaster? A lot of couples could use the money for a down payment on a house. I admit I have reservations when asked to contribute to fantasy vacations, but a gift is gift.


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## Berubeland

I'm attending a wedding next weekend. I'm also not sure how much to give. I'll be giving cash or a check. I'm attending with my better half and son. We're not that close but we do work together. One thing is for sure, weddings are expensive as heck. Every bride I have known so far who includes me in the trials and tribulations of the whole wedding saga, has been stressed out and worked hard for months for everything to be perfect. 

One of them spent the whole morning vomiting because she was so nervous. Not exactly a way to enjoy your big day. 

Personally I just don't care to make it official. It's expensive and I don't like other people that much :rolleyes2: I certainly don't like crowds. We did go to Pacific Mall and got inscribed titanium rings a couple years ago. I just can't imagine blowing thousands of my hard earned dollars. I'd be the type who had got an internet minister to come to my backyard and give a big old barbeque, BYOB and don't throw up on the tomatoes. If you feel like donation give to KIVA. There's some people who need money. 

I could probably spend around $2000 on it, if I got T-Bone steaks for everyone and a tent in case of rain.Let's face it, at the end of it you get a man. In my case He'd probably lots of "sorry for your loss" cards with solo get away vacations to foreign lands. No worries I could auction them off on kijiji.


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## peterk

Gee I never even thought of this! I'm going to a wedding in two weeks.
My girlfriend is a bridesmaid, and I've met the bride a grand total of once, at her buck n doe. 

The GF being a bridesmaid and helping with wedding stuff, me being a near stranger and only attending the reception, I'm in the clear here just ignoring this gift thing......right??

edit: we're all in our mid twenties and broke as hell.


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## Spudd

Your GF will probably take care of the gift for the both of you, but check with her. You can't skip the gift!


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## humble_pie

peterk said:


> ... I'm in the clear here just ignoring this gift thing......right??


cannot really ignore imho. Because of the relationship through the girlfriend who is a bridesmaid, you more than others are obliged to offer a gift ! It may feel like a trap that got accidentally sprung & it may seem unfair, but c'est la vie.

you & GF can offer a gift together, but imho your portion should be equal to or greater than hers, since she is already contributing so much to the event.

besides, how could you be broke. Just look at what your post history says ...


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## peterk

Haha, I wish hp. I believe that post history said something about a year ago along the lines of... I'd be spending all my money on insane tuition and rent for the next year! 
Finally started to dig into my OSAP money this month 

Anyways thanks for the advice guys! I will speak to the GF for the final word.


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## OhGreatGuru

You are not obligated to accept a wedding invitation. So if you can't afford a gift, or don't think the greedy couple don't deserve one, send your regrets in response to the invitation.

But if you accept, then etiquette dictates that you owe them a gift.

(Caution - I believe in some cultures refusing a wedding invitation without good reason is a no-no - both extending & accepting such invitations are social obligations.)


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## Plugging Along

According to Emily Post (12th Edition), (paraphased, cause I didn't want to retype everything), gifts should not be expected for weddings, and it is NOT acceptable to ask for a certain type gift. Then later it says, that if one does attend a wedding, it is NOT acceptable to go without a gift. Seems a little contractory to me, but I guess its more about the expectations.

It also says to pick gifts that mean something to the bride and groom, and there is not set amount. That's the quasi official Emily Post guide.

That being said, in my culture, cash is almost always given for gifts. The general guideline is that it's whatever covers the meal, and then some. More if it's a close relative or friend. For our best friends, in addition to being in the wedding party and spending well over $1000 we gave about $300 for the gift. For when we weren't in the wedding party we gave $500. We anticipate when my niece gets married it will be over $1000. For acquaintences, and less close friends it's usually about $150 - $200. We give these amounts because for us it seems comfortable and about the right amount. 

On the other side, I would have been horrified if someone didn't come because they didn't have enough money for gift. I would be happy that they just came. When we got married, my spouses favority aunt and cousin couldn't afford to come because of the travel, not even thinking about the gift. We told them we would pay for their tickets on the condition they came, and did not buy us a gift, but rather give us the honor of reading a passage at our ceremony. 

Though I think the people should come with gifts if they can, I think that the bride and groom should not expect anything. This results as people just being happy with whatever they get, and having a great time. I ramble...


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## Cruiser

When we had our wedding, we had a small family affair with extended family being invited and some close friends. The total wedding was about 50 people. We received everything from no card or gift right up to $500. 

To give people an idea of the wedding costs vs. per plate cost - the wedding was about 20k which worked out to $400/plate when everything was included (photographer, officiant, dress, flowers, tent rental, cake, music, etc.). Of that, the actual food cost worked out to about $100/plate. To give you an idea, most gifts probably worked out to an average of $75-100/person. People gave what they could, and we were just happy that they could make it.

People understand that not every student can afford $200!


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## rookie

what is it with people expecting gifts???

whatever happened to the idea of feeling honoured just by the guests presence? actually what happened to the thought that there are people on earth to share your joyous moments with?


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## Dopplegangerr

rookie said:


> what is it with people expecting gifts???
> 
> whatever happened to the idea of feeling honoured just by the guests presence? actually what happened to the thought that there are people on earth to share your joyous moments with?


Because you should not be expected to cover every ones food and drink all by your self. The gift helps pay for what people took


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## rookie

Dopplegangerr said:


> Because you should not be expected to cover every ones food and drink all by your self. The gift helps pay for what people took


i agree with helps, but i dont agree with expectations.

do not forget that even guests have to sacrifice their time, make baby sitting arrangements etc. a true well wisher will do his/her best on the gift part, but i do not appreciate it when a person first invites to partake in his celebrations, but secretly "expects" something in return.


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## Plugging Along

Dopplegangerr said:


> Because you should not be expected to cover every ones food and drink all by your self. The gift helps pay for what people took


Actually, if you invite someone to your wedding, one SHOULD be expected to cover everything. That is the expectation for asking people to come and share your day. If one cannot afford to do pay for their wedding, then the should have a more modest wedding. 

The people (your guest) didn't take anything. You are asking them to taking time out of their lifes to celebrate with you. They will eat food they may or may not like, they may or may not enjoy the celebrations, not did you ask them in terms of what they wanted for your wedding in terms of what they should pay for. The thought of the guest 'paying for what they take' at a wedding just doesn't make sense.


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## Beaver101

*rookie:*


> what is it with people expecting gifts???


 .... a feeling of entitlement? commercialization? ... somebody has to pay for the costs.



> whatever happened to the idea of feeling honoured just by the guests presence?


 ... out the window? that's so old-school.



> actually what happened to the thought that there are people on earth to share your joyous moments with?


 ... there is a cost for food and entertainment in this new world.


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