# Stuck in limbo - advice would really help



## JustTired (Aug 21, 2015)

Hi, this is my first post and I signed up so that I could get some advice. 

A bit about me: I just turned 35, married for about 5 years and no plans for kids. Currently working as a Web Designer with a salary of 75k. Wife works from home and runs a business that generates about the same so our combined annual gross is about 150k. Bought a house 6 years ago in Brampton and sold it last fall as we didn't feel comfortable with the neighbourhood and commute to work was becoming a problem. Currently renting in Mississauga on a 1yr lease while keeping an eye on listings. We're patient buyers and have been looking for the right home in the right area for about 9 months now. Our savings including investments total about 500k with RRSPs and TFSAs maxed out. Immediate liquidity is about 400k. We're both quite introvert and don't go out to party or spend on anything any more other than the essentials. My hobbies are Magic The Gathering and playing League of Legends. My wife enjoys watching online soap operas, home renos and playing the piano. We both love animals. 

So what's the problem? I'm tired of working, complacent and don't see the purpose of my current project at work that is kinda dead. Fortunately I'm not micromanaged so trying to figure this out on my own at work. Vacations don't energize me cause once I'm back it's all the same. I use my vacation days sporadically when I can't get myself out of bed. I'm also falling behind as the web technology moves fast (AngularJS and all those other shenanigans) and I actually don't care about that stuff any more to be honest so I'm basically becoming deprecated. My wife is also tired of the issues with her business, primarily with others either screwing up the deliveries or the customers committing fraud with little recourse. Because of these issues and the news we read about on political / corporate corruption, people killing animals, people, environment, scams, etc.. we generally don't like to deal with people and don't trust people either. I continue to work so we can get a mortgage when needed as we both wanted to own a house again that would be better than the last one. But as each week drags on, there are some days I just want to get up and call it quits. I'm at a depressive, unfulfilling state badgered by being unable to figure out what to do with my life and not sure when to overcommit rocking the boat. I know some people would kill for this job and think I'm crazy being depressed at this stage in life with the resources I've saved up. My mom has always taught me not to waste anything and would always make full use of coupons. I'm a very progressive person so being in this state is like being stuck in limbo if that makes any sense. Everyone says "Do what you love!". Sure, do what I love and starve? Who wants to pay me shuffling cards or spamming spells in League? Sure, some people do make a living playing those games, but I'm not that extreme and eccentric to do those things from dawn to dusk. They are hobbies to fill my void at the end of the day from being a 9-5 pack rat. They're also sadly not productive things to do with my life and not sustainable either. 

I've considered being a vet, but that is a long road to take as none of my studies in the past were associated with life sciences and I've heard that those who graduate from vet school are stuck in debt with little demand as animals are simply considered low priority. Sure, there are some people willing to spend 5k to save their furry loved one, but in general it's just not the case but rather abandoned or dumped at your doorstep. I would love to help them all but that is not a sustaining solution. Continuing to work while studying part-time would take a decade while just full-time studying would equal 400k of income lost + tuition / supplies & rent. I thought about just helping my wife with her business full-time, but we both know it's unstable so putting our eggs in one basket could be a disaster, plus we hate doing customer support which is part of the business. Somehow I feel I just need a hard reset by staying at home and figure things out, however long it takes. The problem is there's no timeline for ground hog mode. It could be a few months, few years or indefinitely. I've even thought about retiring as I'm just tired of everything, but that would be a dramatic change to our lives and not even sure if that would be an even bigger shipwreck. 500k is a lot and not a lot at the same time. We could either move back to my parent's place till I figure things out or keep renting which would be another 20k in the hole with 0 equity. Initially when we sold our house, I wanted to move to the suburbs with some acreage and transition to retirement while running an animal sanctuary. But unfortunately that's not realistic as I would need to keep working at this job and paying for a property that would not appreciate much compared to the GTA. The sanctuary would not much generate income (if any) and it could put us in an uncertain financial state if I stopped working. My wife wants a detached in the GTA that backs onto a ravine type lot as that's what we had in Brampton. The ravine might seem overkill but it helps my wife as she has problems with her eyes so being able to look out into nature is therapeutic while she's working. Plus it's nicer, quieter and not having to worry about a neighbour at the back looking in. Problem is the prices are so inflated, I would pretty much be a slave to my job for however long it takes till we sell again and figure out the next step to our lives. I don't think I'll last that long or even a fraction of that duration. If I somehow did, by then I'll be in my 40's and scared I would be reflecting on the same situation I'm writing about now. Sometimes I feel we should have just kept our initial home even though we didn't feel safe going out. I could have just resigned, stayed at home 24/7 and figured it out. Our mortgage back then was like under $1100 / month which is a lot less than what I'm paying for rent now on a town house at $1750. The remaining mortgage was about 215k and there was no urgency to pay it off at these interest rates. Our treading time if both of us hypothetically stopped working without external help while taking other expenses into account would have been around 3-4 years. 

Anyway, that was the past and now trying not to shoot myself in the foot. This is the first time I'm reaching out publicly for help and I would really appreciate advice at this point. If you think I'm a spoiled 35yr old with kiddie hobbies, stupid problems and too much self entitlement, I completely agree. I can only say that I felt only 18 yesterday and don't know what happened to the other 17 years other than graduating, meeting my wife, working at different jobs and realizing there's more to life than waiting in line each day to get off the Go Station platform. 

If you've read this far, thank you for your time and look forward to any advice.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Epically long first post! But I still read the whole thing. Welcome.

It seems like it's hard to pinpoint your discontent seeing as it coming from all directions.

What is obvious is you aren't happy with your career nor your living location.

What is less obvious is are you happy/satisfied with the following: Your wife, your hobbies, your decision to not have children?

Without true honest answers to those questions it's hard to offer much advice. I suspect they may be part of your discontent, but assuming they aren't, I'd probably offer the following advice.

- Become more involved with your wife's business, quit your job if need be. You can both live off 75k perfectly comfortably. Take a chance and tackle that challenge together as a couple, maybe with both your efforts you can take her business in a new direct and make something together than you will both enjoy and flourish with.

- Hit the gym and start lifting weights. Take up a team sport that you do not currently know how to play and participate. Try and make some new friends who are "cool".

- Branch out and get better hobbies. I'll be blunt, playing Magic and watching soaps is lame. You know it, I know it, we all do. Regardless of the immediate satisfaction and familial comfort it gives you, afterwards do you feel satisfied with yourself? Do you feel it has improved your life in any way, or is the hobby of a "winner" ? I think we both know the answer. (I'm not trying to beat you up, honest, I was a complete dork in high school. I was in an orchestra with a lame instrument, played StarCraft, and studied Physics)


Honestly your post makes it seem like your life is way too serious and too boring. I think you need to add some silliness and fun to your life, some "coolness". Something to get you out of the nerd box (not insulting you) that you're in and trying new things. Right now I'm picturing you as Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.

I won't touch on whether you are happy with your choice of wife and you choice to not have children just yet, but obviously those are very very big factors as well that might be at play here...

I know this is a money forum, and you've talked about your money quite a bit above, but it's pretty clear that your being "stuck in limbo" has nothing to do with your money situation, which seems quite solid.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

Web dev has the most amount of flexibility when it comes to moving. Ask if they will let you work remote. If not, find one.

My friend just travel the world and move country every 3 months as web dev. Take advantage of this.

You are stuck in life. So why not change the location? Sure, income might take a hit, but living costs are less abroad. You also do not have kids, which is perfect for a digital nomad lifestyle. I think you are too afraid of taking a hit with your net worth.


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## m3s (Apr 3, 2010)

Introverts are vastly misunderstood by the masses..

I'll offer a wildly creative option to maybe spark some ideas. Based on the limited information gleamed here, I'm assuming a major factor is the blackhole of the GTA.

1) Shift your work online - you're a web developer and your wife already works from home! This might reduce your income at first but it would allow you to move somewhere much more affordable and fulfilling.

2) Move into the Canadian backcountry - It will be far cheaper, you will have far fewer neighbours if any, there will be more animals. We have the greatest backcountry in the world.. if you like the city life maybe try Vancouver or another country.

3) Buy a summerhouse somewhere down south - It will be affordable, you will get away from the depressive Canadian winters, it will broaden your horizons, you will get to be around many diverse animals.

I assumed you were homebodies from the description and you never mentioned travel. Have you tried travelling? I believe location is a major factor, whether mobile or not.


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## RCB (Jan 11, 2014)

You sound like you are in a rut. Been there, done that. You don't know what to change. BTDT too.

As two first steps I would suggest that you take up some type of physical exercise, whether it be at a gym, work out at home, or just walking. It should help bring you up a bit chemically, so that you may clearly sort through your other issues.

The second step I would suggest is exploration. Not just exploring your perceived problems, but the world around you. Whether it is through a vacation to somewhere you have never been, or three blocks away, start finding new things.

I have a young adult daughter who was in a similar situation with her boyfriend of several years. Basement dwellers. They outgrew each other, each began seeing someone new, and both are never home anymore. I'm not suggesting you split from your wife, just suggesting people fall into ruts. All you need to do is step out of the rut.


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## jaybee (Nov 28, 2014)

It sounds like your problems stem from something deeper than personal finance, and career issues. I see some classic signs of depression here. I would start there. I wish you all the best.


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## OhGreatGuru (May 24, 2009)

Inquire at your community college about adult career counseling. Apart from the usual "how to look for a job" advice, a good one will do extensive aptitude testing for you. My spouse went through this. The most interesting part she found was comparing her various aptitude scores to the average scores for people in hundreds of different trades & professions. This made her think about different career possibilities that she had not even thought of.


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## OnlyMyOpinion (Sep 1, 2013)

In reading your post it strikes me that you may be clinically depressed - for example you mention days that you just can't get out of bed and it seems like a lot of things are concerning you. Recovering from depression is often not just a case of 'pulling up your socks'. Your brain may have developed a chemical imbalance that needs to be assisted with prescription medication (cipralex, etc.) to help you get back to feeling more positive about life and your outlook. 
If you think this could be part of what you are feeling, please meet with a medical doctor and talk it over with them. Make sure you are talking over ideas/concerns with your wife as well.
What you have accomplished at 35 yrs is very impressive and sets you up to have a lot of flexibility as to what you can do in the future. It is obvious that you are smart, a thinker, and I think that you will ultimately arrive at decisions you and your wife will find motivating and exciting. 
Good luck!


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## JustTired (Aug 21, 2015)

*Responses*

Just want to thank everyone who responded and reply to some of the comments / questions.

peterk: Yes, I am happy with my wife as we share and have gone through lot together thick and thin. My hobbies are a reflection of the past as I use to be bullied in high school so MTG helped me get through it and find friends who were in similar circumstances. I still collect and play it now because it helps with my ability to problem solve as well get through the week. League is an extension of when I used to play StarCraft. Entertainment, in my opinion, is overrated. So if I can get the same amount of enjoyment from a game that doesn't cost me anything instead of going out and lighting up my wallet, I will do the former. Now if my wife says she wants to go out for a movie and eat afterwards, I'm totally fine with that. The reason we don't do that so often (unless it's a special occasion) is because we know saving up is key if we need to go big on something (home, business, life / career change). My wife doesn't want kids and I'm fine with that. Plus, we're not stable enough and not even sure how my job and her business is going to pan out. Responsibility is another thing and I don't feel I'm responsible enough, to be honest. 

For awhile, the plan was to find the right house so that we can get the mortgage and I would resign while focus on her business. At the same time, it also felt like a suicide plan based on our home criteria. Buying a home in the GTA now is like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade trying to spell out the name of God in the 2nd part of the gauntlet by walking through it "J..." I've done research and have a good sense of what will appreciate and what will drop so now is all about execution but still scary cause we're not talking 6 digit figures anymore. 

I do have a chin up bar and push up bars to keep some muscle in my upper area. Having a membership at Goodlife is got too expensive cause I would only have time maybe once or twice a week and they were billing me almost $50 biweekly which included multi gym access, towel service and a locker which was needed or else it was too much hassle. That's $1200 a year for access I didn't feel was worth it. I could probably bank roll with that 1k in poker with proper money management while doing push ups waiting for the next hand (recreational poker player in the past, wasn't worth it either). 

There's party events and BBQs at work but I don't go to those because: 
A) I'd rather go home and spend time with my wife 
B) Small talk is meaningless to me 
C) I don't care about parameter X being in the wrong code that made the build 2% less efficient
D) I need to get my *** home and find a way out of this system and retire so standing around smiling with a drink in my hand trying to blend in won't help and no point. 
E) Striking up a conversation about animal cruelty with coworkers will just drive them away faster than letting it rip with them Mexican beans. 


Causalien: I know that web devs can work remotely which means anywhere, but the issue is not the location I'm working at but rather what I'm working on. I do work remotely sometimes but my productivity on a meaningless project is very low. Before that I also use to do contracting from home building sites and had to stop that. For some reason, getting the work was easy but for me to actually do it was like pulling teeth. I was just not interested and even subcontracted it out but then things were not always done on time by the subs even with the buffers and it became stressful not having full control over the situation. 

Yes, I am sort of afraid of taking a hit on my net worth but if it's the right decision after proper research, I'm willing to go balls deep. For example, after reading about Elon Musk, I've transitioned about 65% of my investments into TSLA. Another 10% is floating for my next entry and the other 25% is a mix of stocks that have been caught in the current correction (such as the energy sector). If I didn't have to take a loss on the remaining 25% it would all go into TSLA. What Elon went through to save both companies has made me a believer and if he can put everything on the line to make it happen, I'm willing to do that with my investments as well. Now, keyword is investments as you always need to take murphy's law into account. If worst case TSLA does go bankrupt and the stock gets delisted, it doesn't affect our plan for a second home and I would still buy a Tesla after driving my current ICE vehicle into the ground. If we bought a lemon home and lost my job as well, I would liquidate my investments and hobby collection which would give us a treading time of 3yrs (not including income from my wife's business). We've thought about packing up and living in a different country but after considering all the factors (safety, health care, family, clean air) it is really hard to beat Canada and specifically the GTA because of the land appreciation and economy. 

m3s: The main reason why we haven't moved to the backcountry because when it comes time to selling or changing careers, it's much harder to do so. I know a couple who lives in Killaloe which is about 45min SW of Pembroke at the Round Lake resort. Their premium waterfront home has been on the market for almost 2 years now and have dropped their selling price several times. Also, if I changed careers and 10yrs later ran an animal clinic in the boonies, friendly Sam might be a regular but that won't cover the overhead costs on a skeleton business in a small town. So going back to whether I would take a financial hit on a career change? absolutely but only if it made sense. Right now my interest as a vet does not make career sense even in a large city so that's why I haven't rolled with it and trying to keep options open. 

We have thought about a summerhouse down south but we were hoping to get our primarily house sorted out first. I'm also afraid of getting shot to be honest as I keep track of all shootings I read in the news and keep it in my evernote account. "2 arrested after gunshot fired at UF residence hall" was just 3 weeks ago and even an earlier incident in Jan inside the library. So I'm trying to picture this, sitting in a library of all places, minding my own business, reading a book among other like minded peaceful people and then suddenly get gunned down? Just blows my mind. How about the 9yr old girl who was sitting in her bedroom doing homework and was also shot dead in Ferguson 3 days ago. It's so sad and unbelievable. I earn less in Canada and freeze my *** off, but I'm bullet free so that's how I see it as a cynic. We do travel to the states once a year but only for a week or 2 and usually for business purposes. 

Yup, 100% homebodies. My wife might be more like 90% so I just go with the flow if she wants to go out. But to be honest, I have everything I need at home. The cubicle is my world. Wait, that doesn't sound right. We do go out on walks during the weekend and usually to a conservancy (like walking in Eden). I agree that location is important. If I had a place I was proud of owning, I would be outside everyday to make it better like a sanctuary, but then I wouldn't leave it either so the only difference would be being outside the drywall within my lot as opposed to being inside. 

RCB: Yeah, walks in nature while exploring is amazing and I think exercise is good too. Use to play hockey till I wrecked my ankle so I know playing a sport is a great feeling. Problem is when the week starts again, I think about my resignation letter and the cascades that follow. Then I think about my 20yr hiatus scarce resources situation, still renting, deprecated and tired. Vacations and travelling are great but again, Monday rolls around and back to sq1. 


jaybee: I too feel that my problems are deeper than finance and career issues which is related to depression and being a cynic.
Perhaps it might help to see a psychiatrist. "So doc, I'm stupidly stuck.. Pop this green pill? OK!" 

OhGreatGuru: Yes, that's true. Career counseling could be helpful. "Do you like working with people" "No" "Are you a leader?" "To lead people? hell no" "Do you like creating?" "Uhh.. maybe?" "Great! based on your answers, you should be a WEB DESIGNER" -_-;; I'm just kidding, I'll definitely check it out once I find the locations and hours. "How do you like them eggs?" "Uhh.. to hatch?" *Farmer alert* 

OnlyMyOpinion: I never thought about a chemical imbalance and you might be right. It is hard for me to commit to something when I don't see a true purpose and logical path to it, hence the struggle of rolling out of bed or maintaining the current quota. It's a battle everyday. If there is no doubt in my mind that a choice is the right one to make, I execute it like a robot. I use to play chess so I work out all possible routes with each piece including the permutations of them together as far as I can before making a move and usually right out of time cause the process takes so long "why isn't the damn thing ticking anymore? DOH!". I see homeless people everyday on my way to work and sometimes just scared I'll be that way as well someday whether from all out cynicism and complacency or making a career move to avoid that but end up being the wrong choice and slipping further into this state with significant less resources and then being in a worse situation in my 40's. I also cringe about prescription medication because of the side effects that may cause permanent long term damage. I have an uncle with mental illness and he was "treated" with lithium. Well "treating" was only to suppress his illness and the lithium eventually destroyed his kidneys leading to renal failure. I would hate to be a cynic on dialysis but I will keep this into consideration and meet up with my family doctor. 

Thanks again, everyone!


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## OptsyEagle (Nov 29, 2009)

Man, you are in dire need of a "near death experience". Google "poor people in Ethiopia" to see what it's like to have problems. Do you have any idea of the odds against you even being born and living a single day on this planet. The number of possible babies that were never conceived compared to the fact that you were. Let me just say that there were millions and millions of babies never born compared to the number that were and are now passed away. When looked that way, life is winning the lotto max. I know the odds were worse.

You really need to cheer up. You are alive. You are healthy. Have a great wife. You live in the best country in the world. I think you said you have $500,000. Again, google "poor people in Ethiopia" and then cheer up. 

Each day you awaken is truly a blessing. Everything else is just stuff. Your job does not have to be a dead end but a means to an end. Take control. You don't need to change your job, just how you see your job. Today is either the first day of the rest of your life or the first day of the end of your life. The difference is a choice, that only you can make.

Good luck to you. I


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## treva84 (Dec 9, 2014)

JustTired said:


> OnlyMyOpinion: I never thought about a chemical imbalance and you might be right. It is hard for me to commit to something when I don't see a true purpose and logical path to it, hence the struggle of rolling out of bed or maintaining the current quota. It's a battle everyday. If there is no doubt in my mind that a choice is the right one to make, I execute it like a robot. I use to play chess so I work out all possible routes with each piece including the permutations of them together as far as I can before making a move and usually right out of time cause the process takes so long "why isn't the damn thing ticking anymore? DOH!". I see homeless people everyday on my way to work and sometimes just scared I'll be that way as well someday whether from all out cynicism and complacency or making a career move to avoid that but end up being the wrong choice and slipping further into this state with significant less resources and then being in a worse situation in my 40's. I also cringe about prescription medication because of the side effects that may cause permanent long term damage. I have an uncle with mental illness and he was "treated" with lithium. Well "treating" was only to suppress his illness and the lithium eventually destroyed his kidneys leading to renal failure. I would hate to be a cynic on dialysis but I will keep this into consideration and meet up with my family doctor.
> 
> Thanks again, everyone!


I agree with a few others here, sounds like depression. Your feelings about your life and the symptoms are you manifesting are not normal. Certain people, when depressed, present more physical symptoms (Fatigue, difficulty getting out of bed, sleep disturbance) rather than emotional symptoms. The fact that you're a bit hopeless about the future (i.e. worried about ending up homeless) is also a pretty big sign.

The medications used to treat depression are now exceptionally safe and, for most people, effective. The first line medications (i.e. Cipralex, like one of the other posters mentioned) don't cause kidney damage and won't lead to dialysis. 

There are also non medication ways to seek treatment, something like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy would help. Do you or your wife happen to have an employee assistance program through your employer? If so, most offer access to counselling free of charge. 

Regardless, you should seek medical help.


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## kork (Jun 9, 2012)

Everyone's given good advice. Check your messages, I've sent you a PM.


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## Sherlock (Apr 18, 2010)

This reminds me of the film Office Space.

Most people don't like their jobs, but you go in and do it for 8 hrs a day and you have the rest of the day and the weekends to spend on things that are fun. You don't have to love it, just do a good enough job to be valuable. They'll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. And just because you don't find your job fullfilling doesn't means it's bad, think of how much worse it could be:










Is there a reason you insist on staying in the GTA? It sounds like you're both homebodies, so it's not like you need to stay in the GTA to have easy access to all the venues and events here. You could move to Sudbury or Thunder Bay or something. There are web dev job there though they likely won't pay anywhere close to what you're making, but your living costs will be considerably lower too. You could buy a nice house for 250k and live mortgage free.

I hear you about Angular... We started a new project at work and the team lead is making us use Backbone. It's awful. I miss the early days of javascript before all these stupid frameworks showed up and the only thing you had to learn was jquery.


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## Pluto (Sep 12, 2013)

Just Tired,

It is difficult for me to see you starving. Especially with a working understanding wife. Most professionals are just getting out of school around age 30 and many are saddled with student loan debt. You are way ahead of them financially. 

Your issue is meaningful/meaningless activities. Several times you have talked of animals, vet, animal shelter, and the like as meaningful. You have a need for healing and nurturing. So I see something along those lines in your future. But one issue in incorporating that meaningful activity in your life is a risky (for you) sudden life choice - such as quiting your job and going back to school. So break up the problem into smaller pieces. There is an sense of urgency and immediacy in your thinking. You want the problem fixed now and I don't think you can achieve it in one fell swoop. Even though you have this love of animals you don't write of having any pets, nor do you speak of having any contact with others who work with animals. Can you volunteer at the local Humane society? You see my thinking is take smaller steps to get closer to your vision of a meaningful life. If you have more contact with people who share your values around animals, you and your wife might find getting involved with those people in other activities as well. Contrast some office party where you stand around with a drink in your hand trying to fit in, with an alternative such as hanging around with animal lovers you met as a volunteer at the local shelter. You need to be around people who share your values. The latter is what is calling out to you, so take small, less risky steps to incorporate it into you life, then assess the situation at each step. It is possible if you make friends with other animal lovers, and have at least weekly contact with them, your perspective might change, and you might find other interests to pursue with them on your time off. The gym sucks, but how about a 10k weekly walk in a rural area with animal lover friends? You need a positive vision of your future, and you need to take small steps toward it. Then other unforeseen positive things will happen. 

I doubt there is anything wrong with your brain so avoid psychiatry in the same way you probably avoid the local crack house. All psychiatry will do is affirm your "brain problem", give you a prescription and usher you out the door. They will have you back and if things are not going well, they will see that a dosage issue. Then your whole life will get focused on your negative mythical "brain problem" and the "right dose" of the "right meds". If you think you totally lost control of your life and you think you are depressed go see a local psychologist. They will help you take steps necessary to keep a positive focus on your vision of a meaningful life. The negative parts of your life will then have less power over you.


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## treva84 (Dec 9, 2014)

Pluto said:


> I doubt there is anything wrong with your brain so avoid psychiatry in the same way you probably avoid the local crack house. All psychiatry will do is affirm your "brain problem", give you a prescription and usher you out the door. They will have you back and if things are not going well, they will see that a dosage issue. Then your whole life will get focused on your negative mythical "brain problem" and the "right dose" of the "right meds". If you think you totally lost control of your life and you think you are depressed go see a local psychologist. They will help you take steps necessary to keep a positive focus on your vision of a meaningful life. The negative parts of your life will then have less power over you.


Advice like this is harmful because it encourages people to avoid seeking medical help for mental health disorders. It also stigmatizes those who do take medications.

Psychology is a good idea. If non-medication steps fail, there is nothing wrong with taking a medication. Got high blood pressure but can't seem to get it down with diet and exercise? Would you advise a person the avoid anti-hypertensive medications? Got diabetes and blood sugars are difficult to control with lifestyle changes? Would you advise the person to avoid anti-diabetic medications as well?

Depression, and all other mental health disorders, are not "mythical".


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## RCB (Jan 11, 2014)

JustTired, I feel for you. At about your age, about 15 years ago, I was stuck in a small town (3,000), far from family, raising two young children. I developed an anxiety disorder and was placed on two medications. I was so happy when my husband changed jobs to my hometown, where my family was. Unfortunately, what followed was caring for three ailing family members (2 with dementia, a mother with cancer), in addition to raising my kids. My mother died 6 years ago, at 64. That really threw me for a loop, having everyone else in my family die in their 80s or 90s. 

My view of reality took a big hit. I was still on medication but not coping well. My healthcare professional asked if I would be interested in trying a program they ran called Mindfulness Meditation. I accepted, I was willing to try anything to feel better. The program was not what I expected, no chanting ohmms. lol. It teaches one to relax and live in the moment. It will not keep on from looking forward and planning, but can create a calm environment and mind for one to make decisions. My decision, before the end of the two week program, was to end the two anxiety meds and the acid reflex med I was on. Within a month I was done taking the meds.

I'm not saying the program is an instant fix, it was a great tool. It has changed my life in that I am back to the somewhat adventurous person I was in my 20s. I am still a planner, but instead of thinking just the negative possibilities, I see ALL possibilities, negative and positive. I enjoy life now, and my decisions are made much more easily, with a heathier thought process. This may be something you could benefit from. Programs are usually run geared to depression, anxiety, or stress management. It still the same tool.

The best part of the program is that it teaches a person comfortable in a rigid, plan-following lifestyle and mindset to roll with the punches, and learn to develop a new plan when the old is not working for whatever reason. Life happens, rigidity is not conducive to happiness or contentment.


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## Sherlock (Apr 18, 2010)

treva84 said:


> Advice like this is harmful because it encourages people to avoid seeking medical help for mental health disorders.


But he doesn't have a mental health disorder, at least not based on anything we've read here. Feeling like you're stuck in limbo and being dissatisfied with your job is not a disorder.


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## m3s (Apr 3, 2010)

Pluto said:


> I doubt there is anything wrong with your brain so avoid psychiatry in the same way you probably avoid the local crack house. All psychiatry will do is affirm your "brain problem", give you a prescription and usher you out the door. They will have you back and if things are not going well, they will see that a dosage issue. Then your whole life will get focused on your negative mythical "brain problem" and the "right dose" of the "right meds". If you think you totally lost control of your life and you think you are depressed go see a local psychologist. They will help you take steps necessary to keep a positive focus on your vision of a meaningful life. The negative parts of your life will then have less power over you.


^Important distinction


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## Pluto (Sep 12, 2013)

treva84 said:


> Advice like this is harmful because it encourages people to avoid seeking medical help for mental health disorders. It also stigmatizes those who do take medications.
> 
> Psychology is a good idea. If non-medication steps fail, there is nothing wrong with taking a medication. Got high blood pressure but can't seem to get it down with diet and exercise? Would you advise a person the avoid anti-hypertensive medications? Got diabetes and blood sugars are difficult to control with lifestyle changes? Would you advise the person to avoid anti-diabetic medications as well?
> 
> Depression, and all other mental health disorders, are not "mythical".


treva84;

You are assuming it is not harmful. One of the last people I know of to take an anti-depressant died in 6 months from the drug. Another took huge doses for about two years costing 500 a month because his doctor believed he had low serotonin, but never tested it. Eventually the patient discovered his "low serotonin" condition was really a gluten allergy, and he had to find that out on his own. Another patinet was convinced he was depressed because his doctor told him he had low serotonin. I asked him to get his medical files and show me as I doubted they ever tested. They didn't test, they just assumed. Once he realized he had been manipulated into believing he had a brain problem, he went for counseling and got on with his life. 

You are pushing a pre-conceived, unfounded idea to promote a flawed view of human problems, and that is typical of psychiatry/medicine. 
The very idea you would compare a phony serotonin issue with verifiable hypertension is typical of the medical Sophistry in this area. 

The OP identified his own issue: 1. lack of meaningful activity. 2. The OP identified what would be meaningful and doable. The solution to the identified challenge is obvious.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

How's your diet OP? Eating enough vegetables and meat?

Ever had your testosterone levels checked with the doctor?


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## smihaila (Apr 6, 2009)

Couple of ideas:

- Change of diet.
- More vitamin intake especially brain-reviving.
- Read books regularly.
- Learn a foreign language.
- Change jobs. Go for something that challenges you to do new things, determining you to dig for info. That's the best way to expand knowledge (need is the mother of all inventions and learning)
- Change climate. Sorry but Canada sucks at this topic (even summers are unpleasant/super-humid).
- Have kids!
- Take some vacation abroad. Be open-minded and expand your horizons! Don't just stay in your province/city.
- Subscribe to other interesting online web forums, like this one.
- Shorten the work commute.
- Choose something super-urban to live (I hate the suburbs personally, especially these from USA where I currently am).
- Attend professional IT conferences or trade-shows.
- Develop some sort of hobby.
- Try skydiving (I'm personally trying to encourage myself to do this, hope to have a chance).
- If you like going to the beach, climb instead the mountains, or vice-versa.
- Go fishing.
- Bike! Try to minimize car use.
- Sleep at least 8 hours per night.
- Try using regular schedule for eating and sleeping.
- Turn this damn PC and Internet access for a while. Especially when you return from work.
- Encourage your wife to challenge you with new things (that's the thing that also bothers me - the fact that my wife is almost the same as me, and coming from the same background/environment, same education etc).


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## KLR650 (Sep 12, 2010)

JustTired: I can relate to what you are going through...been there myself on and off for years. 

Check out www.mrmoneymustache.com if you haven't already. He has been a huge source of strength and inspiration for me. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to his (pre-retirement, that is).


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

You might have gotten the wrong idea about the advice I gave you.

Web Dev + working remotely at a different location is a potentially good cure for the rut you are in. Yes, it is hard to remote work on crappy projects, but being at the beach or in some type of paradise setting will make that menial work doable. 

It is the change of location that is important. Whatever it is that you are doing, the environment that you are in is causing this. So doing the same thing and hoping that things will change is not really helping. You need change.


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## birdman (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm certainly not an expert on this subject but one thing I have done all my life is exercise at a high level on a regular basis. For myself it does wonders when you feel things are not right after a bad day at the office or anything else. I have now been retired 15 yrs and and still exercise pretty well daily for the pleasure, satisfaction, and fun it brings. I play, compete, and train in a racquet sport at the national level, have run many marathons (when I was younger), ski, hike, garden, and have backpacked in the mountains. Have also gone to the gym, yoga, and have done lots of other activities. It may not be for everyone but for me its an important part of my life and gives satisfaction and is certainly a stress reliever if needed. Just a thought.
One other suggestion I often make to younger people when this subject comes up is to figure out "how they want to live their life". For example, do you want to work hard and scrimp and save and retire at 50 or do other things and work til 67? Is it all about money or lifestyle? Do you eat properly and exercise for longevity or live for today? Do you want to get married or stay on your own? Children or not? There is no right or wrong in your choices and perhaps this is what you are doing now - planning on how you wish to live your life. This can of course change as you move thru life.
For myself and my spouse of 47 yrs it was marry young, have children, have a successful career, keep active, enjoy our kids and grandkids, become financially secure, enjoy today, and for myself retire early if things worked out that way. Most important was to be happy at work and at home.
All the best in your choices and your future.


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## CalgaryPotato (Mar 7, 2015)

You have to figure out why you are getting so little enjoyment out of work, too little challenge, too much challenge, don't enjoy the work, or don't enjoy the company.

You are in a high enough demand job that if you want to find a more meaningful company to do similar work you should be able too, and a small pay cut wouldn't be a big deal since you live well under your means.

If you really hate your line of work and want to change it, you have to think long hard about what you don't like. Becoming a vet at your age, like you said would be a huge investment... and besides loving animals what would you like more about it? 

You have enough money you could "retire" from your field and work something with animals that may pay less but be more enjoyable. There are lots of jobs involving animals that don't involve having to spend years in school.

But honestly I feel like your problem is less about your work than about your life as a whole. Nothing wrong with your decisions to not have kids and use your spare time to play "child games" but it doesn't feel like you're getting a lot of fulfillment out of your current life. Vacation days that you take off because you can't get out of bed are not going to recharge you... you need to get out and enjoy life in some fashion or other...


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