# Family relations



## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

Well, I know I'm not alone in this but I was wondering what others have experienced...

Our families are all professionals (doctors, nurses) or higher paycheque people. I've been self employed my entire life, so has my wife. I've built businesses, invested in real estate and stocks...I've never had a regular income or job... 

In other words, I've done everything wrong according to our extended family (both sides).

We've never had any real support for our lifestyle choices, and most of the times it seems our family has been waiting for the day I fail to justify their personal bias. Despite my success, our family still looks at us as the "poor" ones, with no idea how we manage to pay the bills. We don't tend to flaunt our net worth since my wife isn't interested in jewelry, clothes or exotic travel and I'm not into expensive toys or vehicles, nor do we bother to explain our situation to them...we're content to let them live in their ignorance. 

Personally, it doesn't bother me much, and I find it funny when the family encounters situations where they are confronted with signs of our success which conflict with their views of how we are. However there have been times (like when I got injured) when it would have been nice to have had some support.

I'm wondering, those of you who walk the different path when it comes to jobs, how have your families reacted?


----------



## wendi1 (Oct 2, 2013)

I actually have a pretty vanilla job... I am a consultant, but a 9-5 long term contract consultant.

Two of my siblings are musicians, though - THAT's a feast-or-famine existence (they've both done very well, but at times they were scraping by).

Sounds like you need to have a bit of a sit-down with them and clear the air. Maybe ask them for advice on investing?:rolleyes2: 

I don't believe for a minute that it doesn't bother you.


----------



## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

No, I've never had a close family (parents divorced when I was young, mother worked a lot to support the family and died fairly young) and there is an 8 year age gap and my family was small. I've always lived my life the way I wanted to so I'm used to it. It probably bothers my wife more, as she her family is particularly judgemental and she'd probably like more parental approval.

I actually pity most of them, as they live their life dictated by money and status...lots of pressure to appear successful...also a lot of problems that came with it like infidelity, drugs, alcohol...most hidden beneath a veneer, image is very important to them. I respect them for their achievements, those that have some, but not their lifestyle.


----------



## OhGreatGuru (May 24, 2009)

It's pretty hard to teach people some manners and tolerance this late in life. And being family you don't want tell them to stick it where the light don't shine. ( Although the temptation to retort about 'overpaid doctors and nurses sucking at the public teat' must be overwhelming at times.) Maybe if you write to Dear Abby she'll have a suggestion. 

(if your wife is still looking for parental approval, she either needs to confront them over this continuing abuse and hope for the best; or write them off as a lost cause and move on without them.)


----------



## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

Well, this wasn't meant to be a how to fix my issues thread. This was supposed to be about how others, who've not gone the paycheque route in life, have found their families react.

Btw, I asked my wife, she wrote them off as a lost cause years ago as I expected.


----------



## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

Wrote my extended family off years ago.
I know nothing about their lives and don't care !!!


----------



## Rusty O'Toole (Feb 1, 2012)

It's a common problem. To the typical wage slave no boss and no paycheck = bum. I have had arguments with my relatives over investments. On one rather funny occasion we were discussing investing some of my mother's money. I was the only one no one paid any attention to, and I was also the only one who was making a living from his investments, and had been for years. Their investing suggestions were a scream.

I have made my family over a million dollars on investments they never would have got a sniff at if not for me. I could have made them multiples of that if they had listened. They still think I am a bum. It doesn't bother me anymore. 

The last time I spoke to my brother he said "If you are ever sick or in trouble, don't call on me because I work 14 hours a day". Top that.


----------



## Rusty O'Toole (Feb 1, 2012)

Interesting that the consensus so far is that the best thing to do is distance yourself from those toxic relatives. That was my solution but I always felt bad about it because I thought there must be a way to get through to them that I wasn't seeing. I look forward to more good answers.


----------



## fraser (May 15, 2010)

It is a very interesting question. In my family a number of people have been self employed and/or owned businesses. We generally understand the risk/reward equation and are not resentful when one of us does well. But we also understand that being an independent or running your own business can be very challenging (and rewarding). It can sometimes result in less earnings, less stability, and much longer hours. Many wage earners simply do not appreciate this degree of risk or the amount of personal commitment that is required. Wage earners can retire. I know business owners in their mid/late 60's who want to retire but cannot simply because they cannot find a suitable buyer for the business.

I was a wage earner but even in my role as a General Manager my P/L and business decisions could only result in promotion/ bonus or dismissal. That is a very far cry from putting one's lifetime assets on the line each and every day. Fortunately in my case it was the former, not the latter.

On my wife's side of the family there are many who think that everyone who is self employed or operating their own business must be on 'easy street'. I often wonder what led them to this conclusion.


----------



## Nemo2 (Mar 1, 2012)

fraser said:


> I often wonder what led them to this conclusion.


Couldn't _possibly_ be anything to do with the increasing penchant to claim 'victimhood', (because 'obviously' if someone has something you don't then they must have stolen it)?


----------



## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

I think it depends on the size of the business.Most small businesses are Not Multi-million dollar businesses with corporation structure ect.
I am in business and so is some of my relatives and friends of mine and I think with the exception of a generational business most founder's/business owners with everything stripped down do not make sums way above managerial jobs and or government employees ect.
If anything I think some of my friends and family feels sorry for me lol.
I don't know the stats but *most* businesses do not generate over 1 million in sales/profit and revenue(that includes your local dentist/accountant/trade owner ect)
Most are lucky to have a 20% profit margin each year(with revolving debt to boot)
I would bet stats would find typical businesses between 250k sales to 500k.


----------



## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

Of course just a guy might not fit that profile(or many of cmf employers)


----------



## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

I tested a small reveal of my networth with my parents at 1/100 th of what I have and the reactions haven't been pleasant. So I went back to pretend I am poor. I even heard one elder announce that people who made money through investment are scums of earth. That the only people he respect are those toiling away at manual labor 12 hr/ 7. Needless to say, I never benefit him with any of my predictions.

People in my family are sometimes surprised at the expensive stuff I buy and I just convince them that I live paycheck to paycheck and it all works well.

My brother and one cousin whi always look up to me are the only ones who has some knowledge of how much I have, but even then, it is probably only 1/10 th. He's been supportive. But he also intimately knows all my struggles.

Most older generations look down on me as I sometimes slip and speak with authoritative tone on some subjects that I used to make money with. The society I am in, if you are rich, they tend to take your inputs more seriously. but a reveal is irreversible and the small test I did left little to be desired. I wish I can find someone in real life to talk about this. One or two friends might be able to handle it gracefully, but I don't want to tempt fate.

A story. I was talking with some guy about business and he was showing off and throw around a number to both put me down and show off that he considers that number very small. I just went silent because I was confused a bit about why he threw that number around (too small for me). But I must've gave the right expression to make him feel good.


----------

