# Am I sick or is this normal?



## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

So I am so fed up with myself and decisions I have made throughout my life that I need to make a HUGE overhaul!

I am 34, home-owner, and that’s pretty much where the good stuff ends.
Currently I owe 14K on my LOC and 8K on my Visa. Mainly for stupid crap but some of it was for such items as home or car repair, etc. 

Whenever I get bills in – I instantly feel sick to my stomach and want to throw-up. In times past I actually would ignore the bills, sometimes even throwing them in the garbage, thinking they would go away. I stopped that bad habit, actually open them and have tried several times to stick to a schedule of paying them, setting up a budget in excel, etc.

I feel overwhelmed sometimes – I even feel sick writing this msg! I watch shows like Till Debt Do Us Part, get all hot over doing exactly what the show says. Two days later I am back to being an idiot, putting things off, etc. I don’t want to be in debt but its like I see things that others have, family included, and I want in on that too!

Am I sick in the head? Am I normal? Does everyone act like this? Am I missing something in life that everyone gets?
Honestly, I have even contemplated suicide (NO JOKE).


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

What sort of satisfaction does this give you? Do you get a rush when you toss out a bill or evade a creditor? Why do you consume and spend? Are you trying to fill a void in your life? What's wrong?

We need to locate the root cause.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

the-royal-mail said:


> What sort of satisfaction does this give you? Do you get a rush when you toss out a bill or evade a creditor? Why do you consume and spend? Are you trying to fill a void in your life? What's wrong?
> 
> We need to locate the root cause.


About 5 yrs ago I got into a bad habit of throwing bills out - I didn't want to see what I was getting myself into. Out of sight-out of mind, I suppose.

FINALLY broke free of that bad habit. I now try and keep a budget but then I get weak and instead of sticking to my guns I go against what I SHOULD do and purchase something. 

I feel like I don't fit in but by having such things as a guitar or ipods and such, that will help me fit in. I see all these ppl, family and others, that have so much and I feel like the biggest loser on earth. 

I got divorced in 2005 (she cheated) - I had to sell my home, ended up renting until last yr when I was able to purchase a condo. I guess I see ppl my age, they have nice homes, the new cars, etc. What do I have? A condo and a car that is 7 yrs old. oh yay!


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

It would be great to locate the root cause but the main thing is to get you doing things differently. 

Whether or not you ever figure out the big "why" of how you are put together financially and psychologically, there are lots of behavioural things you can do to change your outcomes immediately. 

Here are two:

1. You don't need to worry about receiving bills or throwing them out if you *set up every bill as an autopay* from your main bank account with electronic statements. 

2. If you are worried about "overspending" *take your credit cards out of your wallet*. My big problem in life is not overspending, it is all around eating when I'm not hungry and eating stuff that isn't optimal for me. Clue: I can't eat ice cream I don't have, so I just don't have ice cream in the house. Many years of doing this and I can even "go out for ice cream" with other people and not get any! 

You need a budget, and you need to set up automatic investment deposits every month, too; but start with baby steps. You don't need to live with this level of upset and regret. Freedom awaits you! And it starts with self-knowledge and making unbreakable habits: make sure your bills get paid without your intervention AND take away any chance of spending via credit card and you are, like, half-way there.


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## FrugalTrader (Oct 13, 2008)

If using credit is a problem, try switching to a cash only system until you have things under control. Then reintroduce credit with a low limit.


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Another hint! Don't compare yourself to others. Only compare your current self to your past self. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING, DOING OR SAYING. Or what they own versus what you own. 

Seriously. It doesn't. You need to find the things that make YOU happy in YOUR life today - and it isn't just about fulfilling every "want" in your life (that doesn't actually work to create long-term happiness).


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

Interesting. So the possession of e-waste (according to you) helps you feel like you are a part of something and you fit in a little more. I can see that. It's a little misguided, but I can see it.

But you have a condo and a 7 year old car. What's wrong with that? Unless you're truly not happy and you think the possession of more goods would bring you happiness?

The above two posts were very good (not that they need my validation, I mean it as a compliment).

Try to be positive with a good outlook and attitude. Despite the crap you've been through, you can't alllow it to punish you forever. And don't worry about what others have. If you spend some time reading some of the threads here in CMF you will find that many of those people you're trying to keep up with are actually in pretty poor financial shape.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

I was in a similar situation (post-divorce spending, got myself deep into credit card debt plus car payments, seemed insurmountable but I dug my way out eventually).

Dealing with debt is very similar to dealing with excess weight, and there are lots of parallels between dieting and debt elimination. Many people go on a diet successfully for a few days but then slip back into familiar patterns and then overindulge because they feel like failures. Or they go to a party or go out to supper with friends and feel like they need to eat what everyone else is eating.

Echoing MoneyGal's advice, I would add that you need to think of yourself as different from "other people." Everyone you know may have the latest gadgets and new cars, etc., but if they're doing it with borrowed money and don't intend to stop then THEY are the losers, not you: you're one step up from them because you've decided to do something about it.

I actually recommend that you read a diet book like Judith Beck's "The Beck Diet Solution," which presents strategies for avoiding self-sabotaging behaviour. It's written for dieters, but in almost every case you could substitute "debt" for "weight" in the book and you'd have a very useful guide for how to avoid getting yourself deeper into debt and to maintain your discipline going forward. Some of her advice is a bit extreme, but it's written for people who've tried everything and failed.


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## financialnoob (Feb 26, 2011)

I think the issues go beyond just financial here. It feels as if you're very dissatisfied with your entire life, not just your finances. This shows up in your spending habits. You buy stuff you don't even want, but you think will make you feel accepted.

I think you need to think long and hard about what you want to do in life, set some goals, and start working towards them. I think you're lacking focus, and without that, everything else is a bit aimless and unproductive. 

So what exactly do you want to do? Where do you want to be in say 10 years?


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

financialnoob said:


> I think the issues go beyond just financial here. It feels as if you're very dissatisfied with your entire life, not just your finances. This shows up in your spending habits. You buy stuff you don't even want, but you think will make you feel accepted.
> 
> I think you need to think long and hard about what you want to do in life, set some goals, and start working towards them. I think you're lacking focus, and without that, everything else is a bit aimless and unproductive.
> 
> So what exactly do you want to do? Where do you want to be in say 10 years?


I would say I don't know myself.
Its like I am not good at anything and have never amounted to much. 

I see ppl that have so much and I wonder if it all comes down to decisions - they chose one road and got to where they are. Meanwhile, there is myself and where I am now. Its like when they were handing on out the manual on life I was still on lunch. I even feel like a loser telling you all about this or even my thoughts!  

I start thinking: I should take up a hobby re: guitar. If I could play the guitar really well then I would get a sense of ...something. Yeah that went far.


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## Elbyron (Apr 3, 2009)

You're definitely not alone. There are lots of people out there who spend irresponsibly and without regard to their future. You are actually a step ahead of them now, since you have recognized the problem and are willing to do something about it. 
Just like people often get addicted to smoking, drinking, gambling, and so on, there is such thing as an addiction to "going shopping" or just generally buying stuff to make yourself feel better. Recognizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. 
It sounds like you're having a tough time dealing with the feelings associated with the debt. If your employee benefits cover visits to a psychologist or counsellor of some sort, I would suggest you take advantage of that. I think if you can learn to deal with the negative feelings, you will find it much easier to pursue your goal of paying off all the debt.

One other suggestion I have: if your line of credit isn't maxed out, you should borrow 8K from it to pay off the Visa. That way you reduce the extremely high interest rate you're paying on that credit card debt down to a more manageable level, and you then only have 1 debt to focus on. Once the Visa is paid off, you may want to take Gail's standard advice of cutting up the card (well, she always takes them away - not sure if they get cut up or not).


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

Elbyron said:


> You're definitely not alone. There are lots of people out there who spend irresponsibly and without regard to their future. You are actually a step ahead of them now, since you have recognized the problem and are willing to do something about it.
> Just like people often get addicted to smoking, drinking, gambling, and so on, there is such thing as an addiction to "going shopping" or just generally buying stuff to make yourself feel better. Recognizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
> It sounds like you're having a tough time dealing with the feelings associated with the debt. If your employee benefits cover visits to a psychologist or counsellor of some sort, I would suggest you take advantage of that. I think if you can learn to deal with the negative feelings, you will find it much easier to pursue your goal of paying off all the debt.
> 
> One other suggestion I have: if your line of credit isn't maxed out, you should borrow 8K from it to pay off the Visa. That way you reduce the extremely high interest rate you're paying on that credit card debt down to a more manageable level, and you then only have 1 debt to focus on. Once the Visa is paid off, you may want to take Gail's standard advice of cutting up the card (well, she always takes them away - not sure if they get cut up or not).


No don't have enough room on the LOC to do that.
I have been wondering if I should flip the LOC and Visa onto a consolidation loan - spoke to my bank and they said the interest on the consol loan would be less interest then what I am paying for on both.

Problem is that to do that I can't have a LOC - they close it and then pay off my visa and put the limit at a low level. I have no problem with lowering the Visa limit but giving up my LOC - will I ever be able to get a LOC again..?

Is this a smart move??


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Do it. You need to stop the bleeding now and having a hard limit will HELP you. 

Don't worry about what might happen "later." Deal with what is in front of you now. 

If you are in good financial shape you will be offered more credit than you can ever possibly use. 

Get your house in order TODAY. This will produce much better results for you over time than worrying and wondering about the impact that a decision that doesn't work for you today but might work for you tomorrow or at some future unspecified date could have. 

DEAL WITH TODAY and tomorrow will take care of itself.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

I would also venture to say that you can do just fine without a line of credit anyway. I opened up a small LOC once and kept it for a year; I used it just once for a small emergency but closed it after that and never missed having it. I personally can't think of any reason why I'd need a LOC; I have an emergency fund for real emergencies; for any other expense I just save up money until I have enough to pay for it with cash. I've pretty successfully weaned myself from the "instant gratification" mentality. In your position a LOC is even more dangerous than a credit card, because you know the interest rate is lower so you may be more tempted to use it.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

So now for the dumbest question of all – what should I look for in a consoldation loan? What interest should I be paying? Is there anything I should watch out for?


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

Not to discourage you, but I think you have much bigger fish to fry than this consolidation loan. That will do very little to address your actual problem, which is a money management problem. It is not a problem to do with interest rates.

Personally, I think you need to focus on fixing the problem and paying back the money you owe ASAP. If you're serious about acting on that, then whether you save a couple of % on a consolidation loan doesn't sound like it will really change your life. Your problem is bigger than that.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

Royal, I agree in general, but starting with something is the best way forward, and the OP needs to get a sense of accomplishment and success, in order to build momentum.

It almost doesn't matter what you do first, but consolidating the loans is a good start because it will save some money and make the problem simpler (pay down one consolidation loan instead of a LOC and a visa bill). 

First step is to stop paralysis and simply DO something; once something is accomplished then things start becoming easier because a light starts to appear at the end of the tunnel.

Having said all that, I know nothing about consolidation loans, so I can't help there.


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## HaroldCrump (Jun 10, 2009)

IMO, a consolidation loan is _part_ of the solution, but not _the_ solution.
Furthermore, the consolidation loan should only come towards the later phase of the solution...it's almost the final step in resolving this.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

I disagree. Since the OP has already talked with the bank about a consolidation loan, he's halfway there.

It's only part of the solution, but it's a step forward, which is something the OP desperately needs to do. When you're underwater like this, the first step is to grab onto the closest thing available to help you pull yourself out. 

A consolidation loan doesn't solve the underlying problem, but it helps provide a sense of control, and there is one less moving piece of the puzzle because you've consolidated two sources of debt into one.

Then you can move on to start attacking the underlying issues. But those are harder, and it really helps to have one accomplishment behind you. It's a lot easier to make progress if you can achieve small victories in the beginning.

I'm no fan of Dave Ramsey, but his "debt snowball" method works in much the same way, and it has worked successfully for thousands of people.


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## nathan79 (Feb 21, 2011)

Harper77 said:


> I feel like I don't fit in but by having such things as a guitar or ipods and such, that will help me fit in. I see all these ppl, family and others, that have so much and I feel like the biggest loser on earth.


That's the root of your financial problem; you're trying to fill a void with those disposable items. Sounds like you're either lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination of all those.

It's fine to buy something that will enhance your life, but oftentimes we just buy stuff because those things appear to make other people happy, so we think they will make us happy as well. It's not that simple unfortunately.

You need to find the things you truly enjoy, even if it means not conforming to society.


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## daddybigbucks (Jan 30, 2011)

wow some very good points on here. I hope you find one that works for you.

My thoughts are that we have two people inside all of us. One that wants us to succeed and be happy and fulfilled. And the other part of us that wants us to be miserable, and tries everything to destroy us.

The one you feed more becomes the driving force in your life.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

nathan79 said:


> That's the root of your financial problem; you're trying to fill a void with those disposable items. Sounds like you're either lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination of all those.
> 
> It's fine to buy something that will enhance your life, but oftentimes we just buy stuff because those things appear to make other people happy, so we think they will make us happy as well. It's not that simple unfortunately.
> 
> You need to find the things you truly enjoy, even if it means not conforming to society.


Wow - are you sure you don't know me?!

Its depression. I have battled with it since I was 16 - been on medication ever since to battle it.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

Stop dreaming about getting to the goal of any activity you take on. There's only emptiness at the other end of the goal line. Instead focus on the idea of doing things while slowly going for the goal and never trying to reach it.

Maybe your wife left you for someone with more "stuff"?


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

brad said:


> the OP needs to get a sense of accomplishment and success, in order to build momentum.
> 
> First step is to stop paralysis and simply DO something; once something is accomplished then things start becoming easier because a light starts to appear at the end of the tunnel.





brad said:


> When you're underwater like this, the first step is to grab onto the closest thing available to help you pull yourself out.


^ This guy gets it.

*brad* has given the best advice for Harper77.

Yes, this is a financial forum, but this is _not_ what Harper77 is actually after.

Does he need Debt Consolidation? Yes.

But he also needs help on a self-esteem, self-respect, fulfillment basis. The only reason Harper77 got into this situation was because of his lack of self-esteem. I can gaurantee that this person would not be in the same financial situation, had he not felt the way he feels.

Harper77, some people have experienced depression and/or understand it. Others do not. You need to consolidate your debt and focus.

Forget everyone else. Everyone has issues. You need to focus on yourself. You need to be greedy (in a non-financial way). If you want to do something, do it. If you don't, don't. Tell people you love them, tell others to f(_)ck off.

You need to liberate yourself and focus on you. Get that debt consolidated. Pay it off. Accomplish that, and move on. Then accomplish something else. Go for a run every night or a long walk. Exercise will help to alleviate stress and reduce depression. It will also help you feel good about yourself that you are living an active and healthy lifestyle. Avoid garbage foods that will make you feel like more garbage 1 hour after eating them.

Better yourself. I know it can be difficult, but you need to man-up and believe that you are better than everyone else and that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish. *brad* knows what he's talking about.


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

It doesn't work for everyone, but I found that volunteering (especially with something like the food bank) really helped me get a better perspective on what is really important. It also was a clear sign how fortunate my family is - although I'm relatively frugal, we never have to make a decision on whether we will buy the name brand product or the no name version - while some people have to decide whether they eat or pay for electricity.

Of course, there was also a sense of accomplishment in knowing that you were helping people, even in a little way, that really needed it. Is there anything better than you can do with your time?


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

Maybe I posted in the wrong forum or website.
I apologize for wasting everyones time.


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Who says you wasted our time? That thread was one of the most active on the boards yesterday. Lots of people chimed in and wanted to help - either by offering suggestions (both financial and personal), or encouragement, or both. 

Don't do this. Don't continue to stay in the emotional place that you are now. Either set yourself a limit - "I will continue to feel crappy for one more hour, and then I am going to wash my face, take a multi-vitamin, go for a walk, and come up with FIVE THINGS I like about my life" - or decide that you can have as many different feelings as you want at any time, but none of them "mean" anything and they don't require you to "do" anything - and then make a list of things you actually need and want to do, and start doing them.


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

^ Agreed. You are most welcome to continue posting here and I for one don't mind trying to help. Just because someone said this wasn't necessarily a financial issue, doesn't mean we're saying you're not welcome to post.

Do you ever watch Suze Orman? Often, she asks questions which help determine the emotional root causes to many money problems. I am glad she does that because as this thread has shown, emotions and mental state play a big role.

Stick around.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

Harper77 said:


> Maybe I posted in the wrong forum or website.
> I apologize for wasting everyones time.


Harper77
Welcome to our little corner of the world. There are various sectors in your life that need attention:
- financial
- personal
- family
- society
and each of these needs different strategies depending on where you are now and where you want to go. The financial apect has been covered very well in this thread. There have been some suggestions in the personal arena (go for a run every day). Even the society area has been touched on (volunteering in a food bank). There has been no mention of family so far.

You will find good suggestions in every area if you are open to them. Just ask.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

kcowan said:


> Harper77
> Welcome to our little corner of the world. There are various sectors in your life that need attention:
> - financial
> - personal
> ...


OK here's a big one: where does self-esteem come from?
Honestly, 90% of the time I feel like I am back in high school, never fit in/was never cool/a loner.

OMG I am 34 and still carry that with me!


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

Where does self esteem come from? I don't know. From within, apparently.

What has helped me in the past is the realization that in most cases, people simply don't care. In high school, yes they do. In real life, they don't. Really. Step back from it all and watch the people going by on the street and in their cars. They're all wrapped up in their own lives.

Everyone should belong to something. I have actually had many similar internal issues to yours in the past. What have I done? Made myself busy with no less than 4 significant non-work interests/hobbies. All of these include an element of volunteerism or contributing to _something_, whether it's a body of information, photo documentation or assisting with various charitable events. My point is that all of these things allow me to belong somewhere and for my efforts to be counted and appreciated. Last night for instance I got home after 11PM (despite needing to be up at 5AM today) - spent the whole evening volunterring with a group of friends. I'm sore and tired and it's great!


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

Harper77 said:


> OK here's a big one: where does self-esteem come from?


As a personal attribute, it comes from within. It comes from not caring what other people think of you. Like TRM says, most people don't have any opinion. And the others will likely be split 50/50 no matter what you do. So stop worrying about it!


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

Harper77 said:


> OK here's a big one: where does self-esteem come from?
> Honestly, 90% of the time I feel like I am back in high school, never fit in/was never cool/a loner.
> 
> OMG I am 34 and still carry that with me!


For one, you can stop apologizing. Nobody thought there's anything to apologize about from you and frankly, when we are back to our everyday life, nobody give a thought about whether or not you offended us. 

I am going out on a limb and putting one of my more bipolar view out there for attacks. Attention whores think everyone is talking and praising them. While depressed people think everyone is belittling and judging them. The reality is that people simply don't care. We got our own problems.


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## Syph007 (May 2, 2011)

I was mentally in a similar place a few years ago as the OP, and I did seek help from phycologists etc. It was one line that stuck with me that a particularly perky therapist told me once... "the purpose of life, is to enjoy living" It was something that just stuck with me, and helped me look at life a bit differently. 

What did I enjoy, what is fun? I wound up just trying new things of all sorts and found things that made life fun. Little of that had to do with money at the time, but now I enjoy saving/investing as I enjoy the feeling of security that brings.


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## zylon (Oct 27, 2010)

Causalien said:


> For one, you can stop apologizing. ...


Try as I might, I couldn't find an apology in the text you quoted. But you're right, there is no need for OP to apologize.


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

Self esteem, confidence, finance, health, family, relationships, happiness, etc all this stuff is all related to the big scheme of life. There is no one person is perfect is all aspects and has it all. I think it comes down with trying to better yourself, or change the things that aren't working, but more important being happy and grateful for who you are, what you have, and not forgetting that.

Your self esteem really comes from within as everyone else says. In fact, if you are looking for it from someone else, or something else, its just a sign that you still are lacking it. It comes from knowing that the only person you should be comparing yourself to, is you. I found the times I was most unsure and unhappy was when I was looking at others wondering when I will have what they have. Making comparisons all the time was quite toxic. I was an ultra competitive person and realized that the times that I was happy was when I beat someone else or was the best at something. Then it dawned on me that there was always someone who was going to better at me at whatever I do. I would never be happy if I always had to be the best or whatever. I realize that though there are many that may be better than me, I am very good at the things I choose to be good at, and should not minimize that. 

One of the big differences I think is taking the time to find out what you are grateful for about YOURSELF. Stop focusing on what is wrong, but rather what is right with you. Write down, say it to yourself, reinforce it. There are things that you want to change, but focusing on what is good about the situation is what will bring you to want improve it even more. Its all about outlook and attitude. 

Remember that these people that seem happier or have more stuff, you are only seeing the superficial side of it. You don't know what is going on behind close doors, or what the differences are, nor can you really do anything about that. The only think you can do is improve your own situation.


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## Cal (Jun 17, 2009)

Harper, don't lose sight of the fact that most of the people that you seem to envy with their new cars and big homes, statistically also have much greater debt than you do.

You aren't doing that bad, yes you do need to work on the visa, and the LOC, but you did come here looking for help. Great start.

From your posts, other than discussing your options with the bank, have you done anything else to reduce those debts. Me...I would call the phone co., cable co., trying to reduce the monthly bill. I would check with my car ins co., to see what could be done to reduce that bill too.

As much as it might suck (and not sure if your spare time would permit this due to children) but a part time job might help. Then you could use all of that $ towards the debt.

You might even find yourself 35 or 36 and debt free in a number of months. Better than most out there. 

All the best. And keep us up to date. There is alot of collective financial kowledge on here that will definitely get you in the right direction.


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## hystat (Jun 18, 2010)

self esteem comes from goal setting.

definitely try the guitar if you like the thought of learning a new skill. I love the guitar. I play an hour a day. I never learned to perform... I just noodle and it is quite relaxing...except the odd day where nice sounds elude me.... it keeps you humble, but other days rewards you. 

but set realistic goals in whatever you do.... e.g. 
"I'll learn to tune it and play 1 chord the first 3 weeks" or "I'll learn the 6 strings and the notes on the first 5 frets in the first 3 months.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable,unhappy,or unfulfilled.For it is only in such moments,propelled by our discomfort,that we are likely to step out of our *rut* and *start* searching for different ways"

First off congrats for taking the first step!
Second,your addressing your problems,ones that you have likely burried for a long time,its scary,so another congrats on facing your fears!

Not to get all dr phil on you but-what if this is your chance?your chance to really start over?As hard as it is flip your thiking around.

Take everything in small chucks and focus on *one* day at a time,thats all everybody and anybody gets,one day.Lighten up,dont beat yourself up.

Everybody has obstacles and challenges_everybody_ Write a graditude list,you will surprise yourself!You likely have your blinders on because your thinking from a low state,remember everything can turn around,thats life,we all have peaks and valleys,your just in a valley,thats all,its natural.Now go out and kick life in the teeth!!!_btw your normal.

my 2 cents


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

hystat said:


> self esteem comes from goal setting.
> 
> definitely try the guitar if you like the thought of learning a new skill. I love the guitar. I play an hour a day. I never learned to perform... I just noodle and it is quite relaxing...except the odd day where nice sounds elude me.... it keeps you humble, but other days rewards you.
> 
> ...


I think there is enough dis chord in his life that trying to learn how to play guitar would only make him fret more.


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## zylon (Oct 27, 2010)

can_fod

you quack me up

signed: donald


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

cannon_fodder said:


> I think there is enough dis chord in his life that trying to learn how to play guitar would only make him fret more.


Maybe he can pickup a few tips to bridge the gaps and tune up not just his finances, but bring harmony to the rest of his life.


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## MikeT (Feb 16, 2010)

You started this thread on a pretty serious note, mentioning suicide.

I'll just say that happiness doesn't come from financial security. Some of the richest people are also the most depressed. One of my good friends started a tech company that was bought out and he is literally now the richest guy I know. Money and multiple properties and a boat and a few nice cars. Vacations all the time. No debt at all. 

He has also tried to kill himself multiple times, the last time coming very close.

Money is just paper that we use to buy materials. If you think alot of it will make you happy, you'll end up disappointed even if you get alot of it one day.

By the way, I'm the same age and my car is 11 years old. Debt makes me sad, so I avoid it like a disease. But my happiness comes from my family, not my money or my temporarily overvalued home.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

MikeT said:


> You started this thread on a pretty serious note, mentioning suicide.
> 
> I'll just say that happiness doesn't come from financial security. Some of the richest people are also the most depressed. One of my good friends started a tech company that was bought out and he is literally now the richest guy I know. Money and multiple properties and a boat and a few nice cars. Vacations all the time. No debt at all.
> 
> ...


Yeah I hear what U are saying. There is always someone that is worse off.

I just get frustrated - and want to kick myself at some of THE dumbest decisions I have made. Regret.

Maybe I wallow too much in my own self.


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

One trick is to keep yourself busy with extra-curricular activities, so that your mind is focused on having fun and on those positive things rather than all the negative garbage.

P.S. As a friendly reminder, please watch the quoting, usually not necessary, esp for the post above yours. It's a thread, we can read above to know what you are responding to if context is really that important.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

Harper77 said:


> I just get frustrated - and want to kick myself at some of THE dumbest decisions I have made. Regret.


You can't change the past, so why waste time regretting it -- you have the future in front of you and it's a clean slate. The past is over.

It's like you have a white canvas in front of you and you can either spray-paint that canvas with your past experience or you can start afresh and use new colours. 

I've never suffered from depression but I know all about self-loathing. The key is to look forward; you can learn from past mistakes, but they're in the past and you can't go back to fix them. So all you can do is look forward and do better.


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

If you take what Brad just posted and combine it with your statement about some of the dumbest decisions you have made hopefully you'll find an opportunity there.

RIGHT NOW you are making a decision on how you view life, what actions you will take, what you are willing to do in order to reach your objectives - even setting objectives requires a decision.

So, wouldn't it be better to start moving forward by identifying what you want to get out of life and create a multi step plan to arrive at that destination rather than focus on the past? Learn from your mistakes, sure... just don't be shackled by them forever.

I've had times where I have suffered through depression but fortunately I wasn't paralyzed by it. Getting outside and amongst people (even though I was alone) was a good tonic. The laughter of people around you, especially of small children who's biggest worry is the ice cream cone melting too fast, is pretty hard to ignore. Find things that make you feel better (music, movies, reading, rollerblading in a park) and incorporate that into each and every day.

I still also think that if you volunteer in some capacity that it will be beneficial for the recipients of your generosity, and maybe even moreso for yourself. There are many people out there who will be grateful for YOU and what YOU can offer.


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## smihaila (Apr 6, 2009)

Harper77 said:


> I guess I see ppl my age, they have nice homes, the new cars, etc. What do I have? A condo and a car that is 7 yrs old. oh yay!


I am slightly older than you and I'm renting and no car. But money in the bank to buy both cash down...No move yet though.


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## nathan79 (Feb 21, 2011)

Nowadays, I would say it's incredibly rare for people to own houses by their early 30's. Most of my friends own condos, or at most townhomes. Maybe owning a home by 30 was common in back in 1970 or 1980 when even someone making a relatively low wage could still afford a house.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

All the encouragement from everyone here is a great help - so many thanks.


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

^ You're welcome. Will you be taking any of the suggestions? Keep us posted? We care.


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## Harper77 (Nov 11, 2009)

Most definately.
Yesterday, I really forced myself not to feel sick when I logged into online banking to make a pymt on my visa and line of credit. Instead of dwelling on the "ohhhhhh why me? I am an idiot" - I just kept telling myself, what is done is done - now lets man up and take care of things.

I also went back to my old Excel budget sheet that I tried to stick to and thought to myself - why do I tend to fizzle out? Then it occured to me - I take work seriously, so why take pretend that my personal budget is actually a business. I wouldn't run and hide when I am at work so lets use this as an opportunity for some self-growth, treat things like I was in business for myself and stick to a budget!

Guess what? Doing that and really trying hard the last couple of weeks, I only was in Overdraft by $14!!!! Didn't use credit, avoided stupid purchases, etc.

Still have alot of work to do, both paying down debts and also internally re: little voice but hopefully its a step in the right direction.


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

Wow that's incredible!!!! Keep that up and you're well on your way to solving your money issues! You've done exceptionally well at this early stage. Hopefully others will agree.


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

Nicely done! Don't get discouraged if, on occasion, you take one step back. As important as the change in your results is the change in your attitude. Hopefully, you find that it gets easier and easier...


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## Cal (Jun 17, 2009)

Harper77 said:


> Most definately.
> Yesterday, I really forced myself not to feel sick when I logged into online banking to make a pymt on my visa and line of credit. Instead of dwelling on the "ohhhhhh why me? I am an idiot" - I just kept telling myself, what is done is done - now lets man up and take care of things.
> 
> I also went back to my old Excel budget sheet that I tried to stick to and thought to myself - why do I tend to fizzle out? Then it occured to me - I take work seriously, so why take pretend that my personal budget is actually a business. I wouldn't run and hide when I am at work so lets use this as an opportunity for some self-growth, treat things like I was in business for myself and stick to a budget!
> ...


That is exactly how I look at my personal finances, like a business. I treat it with seriousness. 

We have all made financial mistakes in the past, you can't have regret, move on and build a better business. (Sounds like Manulife Financial of the corporate world-yep, the big boys make mistakes too)


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## Karen (Jul 24, 2010)

That's wonderful news, Harper. I think you'll find that you've made the most important step - learning to feel good about your accomplishments, rather than concentrating on the things you've done wrong. It's important to be able to end your day thinking about the steps you've taken that have put you in a better position than you were in before. Some days those steps will be small, but that's okay - they're still steps in the right direction - and other days they will be large, but they're all getting you where you want to be. Best of all, they're all adding to your self-esteem because they all add to your realization that you can accomplish things you didn't think you could.

I've been following this thread since the beginning, even though I haven't commented on it before, and I want to say, as others already have, that I think you're doing better than many people of your age. You've faced up to your financial problems while you're still young enough to do something about them, and you already have a condo - that's great. If you can afford a house someday, that will be great too, but many people choose to live in condos all their lives - it can hardly be seen as a sign of failure. 

Another thing that has impressed me about you is that you seem willing to take seriously any advice you've been given here that seems applicable to you and then to act on it. One thing I've noticed so often throughout my life is how many people ask for advice and then ignore it; they're really just looking for sympathy, not advice. I remember once reading a statement made by Ted Kennedy who was quoted as saying, "We may learn from our misfortunes, but this learning is only beneficial if we apply it afterwards." And you're doing that! Best of luck to you.


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