# When in the relationship did you talk about finances?



## techcrium (Mar 8, 2013)

When did you reveal your networth/debt and income?


I am still early in the relationship so I haven't revealed any of that yet..


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## Nemo2 (Mar 1, 2012)

Me, I'd wait until you're sure the relationship is going somewhere (positive)......maybe until it's actually arrived there.......don't blurt it out to a comparative stranger.


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## DayTek (Sep 26, 2013)

I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 16; We had other things on our mind besides finances at that age 

We didn't actually start talking about finances until we wanted to move into together, which ended up being when I was 20 and we bought our first home. I can barely remember when we had our money separately, except when we had part-time jobs in high school. I started in banking when I was 19, so the budgeting naturally fell onto myself - It was a lot easier to budget out of one pool of money from a shared account. Everything we have is joint, so our networths/debts are pretty much the same.

Our situation is somewhat unique. But I think finances shouldn't be brought up until you have developed a certain level of trust with someone...And everyone gets to that stage at different times.


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## Canadian (Sep 19, 2013)

Only started talking about finances roughly 2 years in. Still don't know each other's exact net worth or income but have an idea. We discuss more current budgets than how much is saved/invested.


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## marina628 (Dec 14, 2010)

We met when we were both in our teens and broke so we had to consult on even spending $50.00  I see no harm in talking general 3-5 year plans but don't disclose how much you have or what you make until the relationship gets serious.


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## Jon_Snow (May 20, 2009)

It was quite early on for my (future) wife and I... we realized that once we combined our assets we had a fine financial foundation on which to build. Coming into the relationship, she owned a nice condo while I owned a bunch of acreage on a west coast island. We knew even back then it was unlikely we would have kids, so we knew that with our relatively high incomes we could save GOBS of money, and that is exactly what has happened.

No doubt the intangibles that bring a man and a woman together was a big factor in the success of our relationship - but we knew immediately that we were on the same page financially - this is no small thing in my opinion. Lots of horror stories out there that I'm glad I'm not part of.


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## My Own Advisor (Sep 24, 2012)

Same with Jon, quite early on, a few weeks in, for my future wife and I. 

Coming into our relationship, we both had rentals and had decided each other was "the one" and bought a condo together. 8 years later, the rest is history...

Could agree more with what Jon wrote, being on the same page financially makes life SO much easier.


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## Sherlock (Apr 18, 2010)

I have never talked about finances with a girlfriend. My longest relationship lasted 6 months. I'm currently single.


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## Latito (Nov 18, 2013)

My wife a I discussed income levels and very rough net worth (she had student loan debt, I had a slightly positive net worth) fairly early on, probably sooner than I might recommend. We both knew this was a long term relationship early on so it made sense. We discussed more specifics somewhere around getting engaged - I honestly can't remember if it was before or after that milestone. We certainly discussed that finances would be joint in marriage prior to being engaged - it only followed that we would need to have a complete picture of our future spouse's current financial picture at that point.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

Lets be honest(mid 20's and beyond)It doesn't take long to somewhat ''figure'' out after a few dates.
by than you have learned facts(job/activities/maybe their social circle)........you also learn(housing/car/clothing ect).....you also can ''pick'' up through convo ''generally'' where they are roughly @(if you are applying logic/subtle questions)
I know with women(i am in my 30's)they are most def figuring **** out and quickly(even if they don't,lol)
My point is-i don't think it is to hard to figure out the person your dating social/money status.
Of course there are extremes on both ends(debt ridden or well off)but it isn't that hard to gauge.
Family $$$,that is a different story.
I'm a guy so a girl flushed with cash(would be nice)is not that high up(as long as she is employed/happy/health ect,that is more than enough for me lol)
There are not that many secret millionaires/thosandaires i don't think.(cmf is a different breed all together)


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

donald said:


> Lets be honest(mid 20's and beyond)It doesn't take long to somewhat ''figure'' out after a few dates.
> by than you have learned facts(job/activities/maybe their social circle)........you also learn(housing/car/clothing ect).....you also can ''pick'' up through convo ''generally'' where they are roughly @(if you are applying logic/subtle questions)
> I know with women(i am in my 30's)they are most def figuring **** out and quickly(even if they don't,lol)
> My point is-i don't think it is to hard to figure out the person your dating social/money status.
> ...


Heh, 

I sometimes wish there's stats on where CMF users fall on the bell curve. I think my reality got distorted by you guys and often catches myself in life wondering why certain people do things in such convoluted fashion, only to realize later that they live paycheck to paycheck.

I am looking at my female acquaintances who are in their early 20's. They seem to prefer dating a certain type of douchebags who are dead broke who uses up their money and yet they complain about having no money all the time. I guess at that age, power and wealth still hasn't factored into the social status and popularity is the only currency.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

Early 20's,those are girls caus!not women.
what do you expect?
I have dated a few females(last 1,2 years)that were in that age range(mid 20's)....can't get into that head space their in at the stage(bratty,insecure,up and down emotionally and utterly clueless usually in what direction they are headed....a fair # anyways)
is what it is.
date older!try late 20's,you will notice a huge difference.(cougars?lol)
though maybe don't listen to me,i still don't know much!


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## Ebin (Feb 9, 2013)

Recently engaged and I started sharing details about 2-3 years ago before opening it all up about a year ago. She was much more self-conscious about her finances and didn't open her books till we got engaged. I wasn't concerned as I knew she was frugal and had no debt but I was very pleasantly surprised to find out out her net worth was a more than twice what I expected. Knowing that sooner would have made discussions about buying a home or paying for a wedding much easier as I had always assumed that I would have to foot the bill for those things (My income has been 2-3 times larger than hers since we started dating).

My advice to any couple is once the relationship is pretty serious that the books should get opened up. It shouldn't wait till you get engaged or married. Personal finances should not be state secrets to those close to you.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

donald said:


> Early 20's,those are girls caus!not women.
> what do you expect?
> I have dated a few females(last 1,2 years)that were in that age range(mid 20's)....can't get into that head space their in at the stage(bratty,insecure,up and down emotionally and utterly clueless usually in what direction they are headed....a fair # anyways)
> is what it is.
> ...


Each thpe fits a time I guess. It always amazes me when I meet a woman who is not in debt. Then again, the same can be said for guys. I am rooting for the pushy friend who is always trying to close and looking for job opportunities to get the girls, but they always choose the wrong ones. I guess it isn't very romantic to be seen begging for a job as a guy.


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## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

I think it would depend on your age...

I think it's very important to be on the same general page financial to have a successful relationship. This is usually quite easy and safe to determine when you are young and probably fairly broke.

When you are older, and maybe have a significant net worth, you need to be more careful I case the SO is more interested in your wallet than you, but know how to act the part...assuming that they aren't equally well off.


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## Taraz (Nov 24, 2013)

If you're dating someone, you should definitely talk about general "finances" (although I wouldn't disclose your income or net worth until things are serious). If you've got a lot of debt (without the assets to offset it), you should probably disclose that early on. 

Find out things like:

-What is their philosophy with respect to debt? Consumer debt? Debt for purposes of investing?
-Are they are good at budgeting? (i.e., do they spend less than they make)
-Do they care about money as much as you? (I imagine people on this forum care more about money than the general population).
-How much they give to their family? (watch for toxic relationships)
-Which things do they value most? (I.e., what do they spend their money on?)
-How much (% wise) do they give to charity? Which charities?
-If they had extra money from some type of windfall, what % would they save/invest, and what % would they spend?
-Do they value a stay-at-home parent, or do they think it makes more sense for both parents to work?

Then you can decide if your ideologies are financially compatible.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

When I got together with my husband we were both poor students, so there wasn't much to discuss.

But a funny story. At one point in university I was dating this guy from Toronto. I lived about 2 hours away and would drive up to visit on weekends. At first we went out to eat a lot, but fairly soon, I told him I couldn't afford to eat out so much and would like to stay in sometimes. He actually refused, saying he wasn't willing to compromise his lifestyle. And get this, he was a paid grad student but was taking out $26k in loans per year on top of his grad student salary so he could "maintain his lifestyle". That relationship didn't last long.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

The girl I'm dating now, have been for about four months, we talk about finances quite a bit actually but it's more about frugality and keeping track. I know she's pretty much worth $0 right now as a student, no debt but only enough savings to cover school with sidejobs. She knows I have some savings and am buying some land but not any numbers. I think it's too early... I mean, I trust her, we share mostly the same philosophies (if anything, she is more frugal than I, which isn't common around here) but I still feel like I should have withheld more information regardless of what kind of person she is.



Sherlock said:


> I'm currently single.


Sherlock... I believe you meant to say that you are free of any burdens 



Spudd said:


> But a funny story. At one point in university I was dating this guy from Toronto. I lived about 2 hours away and would drive up to visit on weekends. At first we went out to eat a lot, but fairly soon, I told him I couldn't afford to eat out so much and would like to stay in sometimes. He actually refused, saying he wasn't willing to compromise his lifestyle. And get this, he was a paid grad student but was taking out $26k in loans per year on top of his grad student salary so he could "maintain his lifestyle". That relationship didn't last long.


Good on you for avoiding that. This reminds me of a girl I dated for a short time last summer. I paid for everything except for some icecream she bought once (besides the icecream, she never offered or even faked bringing out her purse), and she would bring up often that she had very little money because of being in University so she was frugal, had a broken home so family was poor, yada yada. OK, fine, I was a student once, I know what it's like.

So we didn't work out for other reasons, but over social networking last month I see her bragging about first class (first class!) tickets to Europe over Christmas. Things that make me go "hmm...". Not sure if she was being dishonest about the first class tickets, or some/all of her money situation.


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

Last time for me, everything was shared pretty early. It helped with splitting shared expenses and all that and also to be able to give advice that led to a lot of improvements. Even if you're hesitant to give out specific numbers I do expect to at least drop hints about habits and priorities early. Ok to tell the truth I'm liable to spend a few hours talking about investment plans at a moment's notice  If the priorities don't match don't expect much.

In general I don't see much need to hide things most of the time. If telling the truth will end your relationship you aren't helping yourself. If you think it will change the way someone behaves then (1) watch them closely and be careful what you commit to and (2) remember that if they don't know the truth they will guess, and today someone's external image is usually completely detached from their private reality so they're likely to think you are someone different from who you really are.


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

donald said:


> My point is-i don't think it is to hard to figure out the person your dating social/money status.


Maybe... but if someone drives a luxury car how do you know whether they live on leases and credit cards or they got a big inheritance? There's statistics and all that but I hope you're not getting into a relationship with a representative sample of 1 million people


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

So this is how I present myself to people.

No car, monthly bus pass.
Live in a basement suite
Plain looking thick jeans, no fancy fades. hoodie. Work boots.
No watch, iphone 5s
Leather jacket, raw hide.
Crewcut hair.

What is the perceived wealth on a get up like this, just out of curiosity.
Forgot to mention that I never talk about owning the house, so safe to assume people will immediately think I am renting... Although one saleswoman, did ask me one time if I owned the house after the conversation. Some mannerism must've tipped her off.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

donald, Caus,

I agree with the two of you in relation to the opposite gender.

However, donald..... a person's car, clothes, etc does not mean anything.

I have a house, a convertible, a truck, the latest phone, etc. But, people cannot draw conclusions from that. It could all be paid off, or I could owe on all of it.

I never disclose my net worth to prospects. It can only hurt, and never help.

Also, if the female prospect is in debt, that's usually a bad sign altogether.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

Causalien said:


> So this is how I present myself to people.
> 
> No car, monthly bus pass.
> Live in a basement suite
> ...


You should include apparent age and gender also. But I believe you're somewhere around 30 and a dude. You don't sound like a hipster. To be honest I think you sound like a tradesman... and where I'm from, the trades are lucrative. So I would assume you make pretty good money, and since you have no car and therefore probably few "toys", are saving quite a bit of it (even assuming I don't know that you're on CMF)

Either that, or maybe you party all your money away and got a DUI or something which would explain the lack of car... Which direction I would lean would depend on your personality and presence.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

I see, I didn't know that perception about tradesman. THanks for letting me know Bar


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

Causalien said:


> So this is how I present myself to people.
> 
> No car, monthly bus pass.
> Live in a basement suite
> ...


I'd see it as you're just some regular Joe that doesn't know what they are doing, has little money, and frankly doesn't care.

That would be my stereotype of you.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

Stereotypes are interesting, though.

When I drive around in the Z with my white collar shirts and the top off, people think the car is not mine, that I owe money on it, etc.

Not one person has yet thought I was successful.

Everyone asks "How much do you owe for that thing?"

or

"Is that yours?"

The same goes for my house. People assume automatically that I only put 10% down and I must not have a life anymore because my TDSR is through the roof.

I think this goes to show that since most people don't know about finances or have their finances in order, they automatically think you won't have them in order as well.

I kind of like it this way. It makes it easier to live the way I do and have people wonder about my finances.
I don't want people to know that my car is paid for, regardless of how I "look" on the outside.

I mean, don't get me wrong.... Sometimes I get in my 2003 Maroon coloured Ford Escape with a Hoodie and Sweatpants and make a trip to Walmart while listening to Pearl Jam.

What would people think then? :rolleyes2:


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

You are just too young Kae. I had a friend who owned a townhouse at age 23 and I still am still a little bit skeptical. However, now that I understand finances a bit, I know that it is possible with the right kind of mortgage.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

Well, it's pretty hard to judge your appearance via words over the internet, so take that with a grain of salt! But you're welcome, something to consider.

Another thought is, my judgment regarding having no car depends on where you're from. i.e. it would have less weight in a city like Vancouver, vs anywhere in Alberta where everybody and their dog has a vehicle.

Interesting experiment though.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

KaeJS, yea it's a stereotype, but what I like to say is that a lot (but not all) of stereotypes have some basis in truth. 

Like Causalien says, though it's possible, it's uncommon for people your age to own that stuff (or have it considerably paid off.) So though perhaps condescending, it's safer to assume they owe on it.

People think you're normal (and probably a student) as an early 20's dude in a 10-year-old Escape with sweatpants and Pearl Jam.


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

KaeJS said:


> I never disclose my net worth to prospects. It can only hurt, and never help.


It can only hurt? Sounds like you may be in 6-figure debt  If someone is looking for a responsible person who understands their finances don't you think they would like to know that you have a good net worth? I've seen many women lamenting the fact that they can't find a man who can afford a regular adult life... even if they have a good income and don't want to live off of someone else.



Barwelle said:


> You should include apparent age and gender also. But I believe you're somewhere around 30 and a dude. You don't sound like a hipster. To be honest I think you sound like a tradesman... and where I'm from, the trades are lucrative. So I would assume you make pretty good money, and since you have no car and therefore probably few "toys", are saving quite a bit of it (even assuming I don't know that you're on CMF)


Agreed on the income... but high income at a young age often leads to spending 100% or more of it. I think savers are in a pretty small minority.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

Stereotypes definitely have a basis of truth. That's how they came to be in the first place.

I once saw a shirt that said "Stereotypes save time." I had a small chuckle.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

richard said:


> If someone is looking for a responsible person who understands their finances don't you think they would like to know that you have a good net worth? I've seen many women lamenting the fact that they can't find a man who can afford a regular adult life... even if they have a good income and don't want to live off of someone else.


Kind of a catch-22 here eh? You want to attract somebody like-minded, so you shouldn't hide everything, but at the same time you don't want to attract any gold-diggers.



richard said:


> high income at a young age often leads to spending 100% or more of it. I think savers are in a pretty small minority.


For sure, but he describes himself as dressing pretty modestly, so that's why I put him in the minority savers category.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

Barwelle said:


> For sure, but he describes himself as dressing pretty modestly, so that's why I put him in the minority savers category.


Nah, I am pretty open about spending all my income and live paycheck to paycheck. Just read my money diary.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

richard said:


> If someone is looking for a responsible person who understands their finances don't you think they would like to know that you have a good net worth? I've seen many women lamenting the fact that they can't find a man who can afford a regular adult life... even if they have a good income and don't want to live off of someone else.


Yes. A responsible person would want to know this information.

However, I am talking about prospects. Prospective women/men that have not been decided upon.

It depends on what you know about them, as well. If you meet a man or woman, and you know they are already successful, then it isn't such a big deal.

However, if you suspect they might not have much, you better keep your mouth shut about your net worth lol.


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## Barwelle (Feb 23, 2011)

Causalien said:


> Nah, I am pretty open about spending all my income and live paycheck to paycheck. Just read my money diary.


What paycheck?


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

Barwelle said:


> Kind of a catch-22 here eh? You want to attract somebody like-minded, so you shouldn't hide everything, but at the same time you don't want to attract any gold-diggers.


Do something that gold-diggers wouldn't put up with. Unless you're a billionaire, then they'll put up with anything.



KaeJS said:


> However, if you suspect they might not have much, you better keep your mouth shut about your net worth lol.


If you think they're part of a con gang and they'll start plotting against you then yes  Otherwise the typical reaction I would expect from someone who can't handle it is for them to start acting really weird. At that point you have learned what you wanted to know. Have you had any experiences where someone was clearly not ready to handle that information at first but was ok with it later?


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## RBull (Jan 20, 2013)

Short answer. Early in the relationship. You need not give specific numbers right away but i definitely let my partner know how I operate and wanted to find out how she did as well. 

Met my wife when we were both 28. At 30 we married and 25 years later are still very happy. A lot of that is due to common financial habits and goals we share, and we realized this soon after dating began. I cannot imagine living with someone who is quite different from me in that regard.


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## Causalien (Apr 4, 2009)

Barwelle said:


> What paycheck?


Imaginary ones.


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## sags (May 15, 2010)

My wife and I "discussed" finances while engaged.

We agreed I would take run all the finances.

Within a year, the only finances I ran.......was the $10 bill she left in my lunchbox every day. 

I had total control over that $10 bucks..........but she had taken over everything else.

That was 35 years ago........So much for "discussions".


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## lightcycle (Mar 24, 2012)

My wife and I decided a long time ago that I would make all the major decisions and she would make the minor ones.

We've been married for over 25 years and in all that time, nothing major has ever come up...


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

I get to decide on the house purchases, and car purchases. She decides everything else.


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## OhGreatGuru (May 24, 2009)

lightcycle said:


> My wife and I decided a long time ago that I would make all the major decisions and she would make the minor ones.
> 
> We've been married for over 25 years and in all that time, nothing major has ever come up...


LOL. :highly_amused: I heard a similar anecdote from a colleague nearly 40 years ago, but you have captured the essence of it in 2 short sentences. Brevity truly is the soul of wit.


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## OhGreatGuru (May 24, 2009)

kcowan said:


> I get to decide on the house purchases, and car purchases. She decides everything else.


It is wise to persuade people to do things and make them think it was their own idea.
-Nelson Mandela


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

OhGreatGuru said:


> It is wise to persuade people to do things and make them think it was their own idea.
> -Nelson Mandela


Of course, it was probably her idea that he should be responsible for those things


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## Michelle1983 (Jan 7, 2014)

Taraz said:


> If you're dating someone, you should definitely talk about general "finances" (although I wouldn't disclose your income or net worth until things are serious). If you've got a lot of debt (without the assets to offset it), you should probably disclose that early on.
> 
> Find out things like:
> 
> ...


This is a really good list. I'm curious, how far of a incompatibility would you accept in this? 

My bf is great is every way but he's not nearly the same in terms of financial orientation and saving as I am. I'm not sure how to bring this up without him basically feeling like I'm accusing him of not saving enough. 

He's trying and I see it, but I'm not sure he's saving as hard as he could be given his salary. If things continue to go as planned we've talked about possibly buying a house in 2 years or so but at this point he pretty much has nothing for a down payment and from what he's said, I think is saving less than 1k a month (we aren't doing any sort of joint finances at this point). I save quite a bit more as paying off a mortgage is a big priority for me, so it just feels unbalanced. 

How does one go about determining whether their partner can buckle down and save when needed without policing them on it? I've never dealt with this before so it's a new concept to me but being on similar pages financially is a very big thing to me and it's the one thing I'm still really uncertain of with him.


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## wendi1 (Oct 2, 2013)

Being on the same page is not the same as changing him until he is on the same page.

You will not be able to make a spendthrift into a saver by wishing it. And remember, he probably wishes you were a little freer with the spending...

This is the guy who was sending large chunks of his salary to his parents, no? And who hasn't proposed yet? Doesn't live with you? It is too early in the relationship to talk about you controlling his spending.


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## RBull (Jan 20, 2013)

sags said:


> My wife and I "discussed" finances while engaged.
> 
> We agreed I would take run all the finances.
> 
> ...


Good story. :encouragement:

My spouse doesn't want much to do with finances other than a VERY brief "discussion" periodically - like every year or so.


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## Gimme the Green (Feb 4, 2014)

Wife and I didn't really discuss finances much when we were dating, we were both in school and didn't have any cash. One thing that stood out though was the fact that we were both good at managing the little money we did have and we both were allergic to needless debt. As we finished school and began working, extra money was always spent/saved in constructive ways (for the most part). We have an interesting way of handling cash. We have a joint account that we each contribute to each month. That joint account covers all joint spending, mortgage payments, groceries, bills, house insurance ect... We contribute based on what we earn, in the beginning, she made almost twice as much as me, so she contributed almost twice as much, every year we would budget for that account, figure out what percentage of our wages covered the costs and thats how we contributed (eg: 30% of my wage + 30% of her wage). We still run the JA this way. All other monies are spent/saved however her or I see fit. We buy vehicles seperately and pay seperately out of our remaining money, If I want to buy a table saw, fine comes out of my own money. I understand this setup isn't for everyone, but for us it works great. Up to this point we have also been investing seperately, no plan or anything. I initiated the couch potato a year ago, she has been listening to her advisor uncle and been investing in what I can only imagine being high mer funds and gics. She is ready to get serious so I will be looking for advice here!


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## Michelle1983 (Jan 7, 2014)

wendi1 said:


> Being on the same page is not the same as changing him until he is on the same page.
> 
> You will not be able to make a spendthrift into a saver by wishing it. And remember, he probably wishes you were a little freer with the spending...
> 
> This is the guy who was sending large chunks of his salary to his parents, no? And who hasn't proposed yet? Doesn't live with you? It is too early in the relationship to talk about you controlling his spending.


You're right, so I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how I can know for sure how far 'off my page' so to speak he is to decide whether it's worth continuing our relationship. Everything else is really quite good and I could very well see myself marrying him, but this issue still nags at me. 

I've worked so hard in my life to get ahead, pay down mortgages, save for the future, etc, and he hasn't, despite earning higher incomes. So it's eating at me a bit. He's no longer giving money to his parents and we're going to be moving in together shortly (renting a place - but I need to sell a property first). 

I feel like it would be good for us to start a budget or try and save so much together or something to see how he handles it, but that's hard to bring up or to even do when we aren't living together. Right now he just tells me he's saving, but I have no idea what that means. 

At the same rate, I'm not getting younger and I don't want to spend too much time trying to figure out where he stands. 

I'm a really big saver so for me, being frugal just comes naturally but I'm not sure what's even reasonable to expect him to save each month.


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## Nemo2 (Mar 1, 2012)

Michelle1983 said:


> I've worked so hard in my life to get ahead, pay down mortgages, save for the future, etc, and he hasn't, despite earning higher incomes. So it's eating at me a bit.


http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/06/02/22/the-top-5-things-couples-argue-about.htm



> A study commissioned by Smart Money magazine and Redbook found that more than 70 percent of couples talked to their partner about money at least once a week. With all of this communication, where are we going wrong?
> 
> "When a couple has any problem, it's because of a power imbalance," says Donna Laikind, a marriage and family therapist who counsels couples on money issues. "Money is not seen as the commodity that it should be. It's fraught with layers and layers of meaning."
> 
> The respondents in the study said they fought most often about debt, spousal spending and then their own purchases. They worried about saving for retirement, taking risks with investments and loaning money to the kids. It's common in many relationships for one partner to be a "spender" while the other is a "saver," which is where much of the conflict arises.


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

He may feel the same way about saving for a house as you do about his not saving enough. It is very difficult for people to give up what they value.

Either way as a starting point you could ask him about how he sees the two of you buying and paying for a house. If he comes up with the numbers that's a start to see if he thinks about contributing more and understands the costs.


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## Michelle1983 (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, you're right - he may very well and then it's just a clash in what we want. 

We had a good talk about it today though, it's one thing with him is he wants it all out on the table, so that was good... we discussed the fact we'd have a large house payment to save up for and spoke more about numbers and he feels okay we could do it over a few years. He agreed we could start cutting costs more on our spending and do a little more budgeting together, so I'm feeling a bit more confident. As we do this, that should hopefully calm my worries, or I guess it could go the other way and they intensify but it seems he's willing to work on this. 

That link is good too - I definitely agree having a separate account is a good way to go and him and I both agreed we'd want to go this route. But I guess still in the back of my mind is that if I save, save, save for retirement and he didn't...then when we want to do something, if he doesn't have money, I'm still pretty much paying for both of us. Obviously that's extreme, but it still kind of feels like at the end of the day, I'm not sure how much the separate accounts accomplish. Unless there's something I'm missing? 

I have no doubt it's what most couples fight about though; I saw it with my own parents growing up and do not want to end up like that myself.


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## OurBigFatWallet (Jan 20, 2014)

I think a lot of people avoid the topic of money and have different expectations when they get married. Then as they continue to enhance their careers and make money they find out they have completely different spending habits which causes conflict. 

I'm no expert on relationships but I think money is one topic that needs to be tackled head on. Sure it would be overkill to discuss your net worth on the first date but not out of line to talk about general spending habits. From there you can get a better idea of how they handle their money. 

Money is the biggest reason for divorce and part of the reason is that people have different expectations on how their money gets handled


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## NorthKC (Apr 1, 2013)

Me and my boyfriend didn't really start talking about finances although I figured him out pretty quickly as he did after all own his house outright, had 2 cars, always discussing about his saving strategies, and his position in a major company in town, etc. When we did talk about finances, it just came naturally into the conversation.

I definitely agree, no discussing the net worth for the first little while. You usually figure out their finances though within the first month or two before the discussion based on their spending habits.

We definitely continue to talk about finances to date and talking about future plans and what our strategy is now to achieve said goals.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

richard said:


> Of course, it was probably her idea that he should be responsible for those things


Yup. And I seldom get to abdicate other decisions. I get her opinion and then support it.

Charitable donations are more give and take. She gets hers and I get mine and the amounts are comparable.

We had the chance to buy an oceanfront investment property last year. She decided that it was acceptable and then I eliminated it because of the financial analysis. And changes in the tax regime have made it even more undesirable. Still looking.

We seek each other's opinion on dressing for going to special events. She chooses white wines and we collaborate on reds.


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## richard (Jun 20, 2013)

Michelle1983 said:


> That link is good too - I definitely agree having a separate account is a good way to go and him and I both agreed we'd want to go this route. But I guess still in the back of my mind is that if I save, save, save for retirement and he didn't...then when we want to do something, if he doesn't have money, I'm still pretty much paying for both of us. Obviously that's extreme, but it still kind of feels like at the end of the day, I'm not sure how much the separate accounts accomplish. Unless there's something I'm missing?


It's not extreme, it all depends on expectations. Those can be hidden for quite a while.


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## underemployedactor (Oct 22, 2011)

dotnet_nerd said:


> It was my pickup line...
> 
> "If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents."


Ha! and groan...no doubt you're still single...:encouragement:


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

A book I liked for these conversations was 'smart couples finish rich'. It had key areas of finances to discuss, and it also went deeper in the emotions and values of finances that is often the root cause.


Ironically, my spouse I argue over many things, but finances is the one thing we don't. It is not because we were on the same page, but rather when we first started getting serious, it was something that we just always talked about. I wish we had done the same about kids, and other things. 

I don't think one has to be on the same page, but rather able to communicate and agree to work things outs.


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## OurBigFatWallet (Jan 20, 2014)

Plugging Along said:


> A book I liked for these conversations was 'smart couples finish rich'. It had key areas of finances to discuss, and it also went deeper in the emotions and values of finances that is often the root cause.
> 
> 
> Ironically, my spouse I argue over many things, but finances is the one thing we don't. It is not because we were on the same page, but rather when we first started getting serious, it was something that we just always talked about. I wish we had done the same about kids, and other things.
> ...


I agree. People can see things differently regarding their finances but at minimum it should be discussed openly. Otherwise it just turns ugly and can end up resulting in different expectations, resentment and growing apart.


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## Michelle1983 (Jan 7, 2014)

richard said:


> It's not extreme, it all depends on expectations. Those can be hidden for quite a while.


What do you mean - hidden a while? What the other person person expects for support. 

I'm going to check out that book. Looks really good. 

Another thing I was wondering today, if I have real estate property (rentals) under my business/company, if we got a pre-nup, would I be able to keep these and any appreciation/profits they saw under my name or does that automatically get divided 50/50?


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

I think your putting the cart way ahead of the horse on this one.
less than 3% of alimony is awarded to men.
He would have to come ''after'' you and convince a judge and likely his lawyer that he is entitled to it.
Your not out earning him by any type of multiples so I would say it is next to nil he would have any grounds.
How many men do you know in your life that get alimony?
Most men post break up would rather scratch their eyes out then get into the whole ordeal of collecting sums from you.
Only thing I could see it is if he was a house husband for years(you had children) and reared the kids(gave up his career) but than of course he would be entitled right?........


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

underemployedactor said:


> Ha! and groan...no doubt you're still single...:encouragement:


At least he rules out the mathematically challenged right away...


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## OurBigFatWallet (Jan 20, 2014)

Michelle1983 said:


> What do you mean - hidden a while? What the other person person expects for support.
> 
> I'm going to check out that book. Looks really good.
> 
> Another thing I was wondering today, if I have real estate property (rentals) under my business/company, if we got a pre-nup, would I be able to keep these and any appreciation/profits they saw under my name or does that automatically get divided 50/50?


My understanding is that a prenup would protect the business and any associated income from it. However with no prenup it would definitely be 50/50 on everything


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