# Remind me...



## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Never to talk serious money stuff with people who have no real interest in personal finance. 

On a "mom" forum I got pulled into a discussion about what the next financial steps should be for a 27-year-old who has $250K in student loans and who wants to buy a new car to replace the serviceable, but "gross" one she's got now...because she's going to be starting a $70K job in September. She'd like to roll up in new wheels!

In the ensuing discussion, said I *probably* wouldn't marry someone with $250K in student loan debt...I am now getting raked over the coals by multiple people for that comment. OMG! I "hate poor people"! I "think only the rich should go to school"! I think "only rich people should have weddings, new cars and children"!

Gah. Why? Why did I even participate in that?


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## birdman (Feb 12, 2013)

While I generally agree with your comments I guess you blew it! Suggest you just avoid that site for about 3 mos. Good luck.


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## Sampson (Apr 3, 2009)

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

MGal, that's what you have us and this forum for.


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## randomthoughts (May 23, 2010)

Sigh, 27 is just a bit too old to be that dumb.


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## lonewolf (Jun 12, 2012)

In the ensuing discussion, said I *probably* wouldn't marry someone with $250K in student loan debt...I am now getting raked over the coals by multiple people for that comment. OMG! I "hate poor people"! I "think only the rich should go to school"! I think "only rich people should have weddings, new cars and children"!

Gah. Why? Why did I even participate in that?[/QUOTE]

I try to be a practical & not unpractical. I would also not marry someone with 250k debt. Money is a medium of exchange that represents lifes energy. I value lifes energy very highly & would never marry someone that disrespected it. Come on guys does anyone want to marry someone that is not responsible when it comes to money ?


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## humble_pie (Jun 7, 2009)

it reminds me to ask, in the marital regime, what happens when one of the partners brings a big debt load into a marriage?

moneyGal u are the expert in these matters. Wondering if the other spouse becomes responsible for some/any of the debt if the couple splits up?


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## sags (May 15, 2010)

On the other hand.........250K in student debt and a 70K a year starting salary may indicate someone wlth huge potential earnings in the future.

My wife had some long time friends from her nursing school days.......and two of them married guys with big student debts.

One was going through to be a doctor, and he ended up with 2 specialties, and the other was an aspiring architect.

The doctor had his own practice and the architect went on to work on commercial projects such as Canary Wharf and the Chunnel.......among others.

Those couples are still together and nearing the end of very successful careers. Money was never a problem for either of them.

Maybe it would depend on what profession was achieved through 250,000 in student loans?

You just never know how it is all going to turn out.


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## Charlie (May 20, 2011)

I didn't know you were in the market for 27 yo spouse. You're full of surprises!
,
Is she at least cute?


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

ha ha ha. Good responses!

This isn't med school (and I fully agree that med school debt or law school debt or dentistry debt is responsible and an investment in human capital....). This is for a DVM (vet school) in the U.S. Vet work in the U.S. just doesn't pay that well - and even if it did, at 5% the debt would take 40 years to clear with payments of $1600/month (if I recall the math I did correctly). Who needs it?


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## Spidey (May 11, 2009)

When people ask for advice, they deserve an honest answer. It's up to them if they want to follow or consider the advice given. I think your advice was reasonable - buying a new car, when one has $250,000 in debt shows a disturbing lack of priorities that will probably be repeated in other areas of their life. I also find it difficult to classify someone with a $70,000 income as "poor" in the traditional sense. With that definition, a millionaire who ran up significant debts could be classified as poor. 

On the more general point, unless specific advice is asked for, I've learned to limit any conversations about finance to those very few folks who show a keen interest in the subject. (I reckon that the "financial gene" is a recessive one, affecting only about 2% of the population.)


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

This sounds like a classic case of "The People's Front" phenomenon:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb_qHP7VaZE

(warning: strong language)


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes! Monty Python by 7:30 a.m. augers well for my day.


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## hystat (Jun 18, 2010)

The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right. ~Hannah Whitall Smith

my answer to the next step would've been "get your tubes tied". Mom forums probably not the place for me...


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## Four Pillars (Apr 5, 2009)

Charlie said:


> I didn't know you were in the market for 27 yo spouse. You're full of surprises!
> ,
> Is she at least cute?


+1

I'd be ok with $250k debt if it was funding education for a highly paid medical position....

Hard to say without reading the thread, but the marrying comment is a hard sentiment to communicate without sounding like money is the only thing you care about.

That said, some groups are supportive to the point of being too supportive and can enable bad behaviour. What did other members say about the car purchase? Were they ok with it?

Luckily we have no such problem on this forum. No sugar coating here....


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## Xoron (Jun 22, 2010)

Four Pillars said:


> That said, some groups are supportive to the point of being too supportive and can enable bad behaviour.


My wife frequents a forum that sounds just like this. She reads similar (no financial) things like this and says to me "I can't believe these people". 

My response "well, call them out on it". 

"It's not worth it" she tells me. 

Heard mentality can be scarey sometimes, especially online on "anonymous" forums.


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## MorningCoffee (May 8, 2013)

I feel your pain MoneyGal, it's so frustrating. Why do some people ask for advice, yet freak-out if the suggestions/comments don't line up with their current choices - which got them into trouble in the first place. 
Just remember you're the one in the conversation who's made the good financial decisions.


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## andrewf (Mar 1, 2010)

^People are really asking for validation, not advice.


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## Eclectic12 (Oct 20, 2010)

MoneyGal said:


> ... Gah. Why? Why did I even participate in that?


Probably because you were sucked in .... :biggrin:


Cheers


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## Eclectic12 (Oct 20, 2010)

Xoron said:


> ... Heard mentality can be scarey sometimes, especially online on "anonymous" forums.


I'm not so sure it's herd mentality as the lack of non-verbal cues (probably both). Between the disconnected reading and applying what one is thinking to the text instead of a more natural flow - there's lots of honest misunderstanding, even before the herd piles one.




andrewf said:


> ... People are really asking for validation, not advice.


This is also true more often than the wording suggests ...


Cheers


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## crazyjackcsa (Aug 8, 2010)

At the same time, you need to "Know your audience". We all go to different forums for our different interests. I wouldn't ask advice on classic car repair on this board (I'd go to V8buick.com for that) and if I got any advice, I'd probably dismiss it.

Perhaps in the future just pointing people to the board would be the best way of doing it.

TT


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## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

If you see people heading for a crash, it's human nature to try and warn them about it...

Unfortunately, it's also human nature to ignore advice and think that "we" are different from everyone else. 

It starts as pre-teens, but most of us usually smarten up a few seconds before death. 

As for marrying a doctor or lawyer, it may be better to marry someone financially incompetent. Especially if you ever want to see them. Careers like that tend to get in the way of relationships.


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## lonewolf (Jun 12, 2012)

I have more respect for the messenger when they tell like it is.
Then when the messenger tells it like they think it is something that I or others want to hear.

The truth is my friend regardless of my perception of what I want to hear. If Iam not man enough to hear the truth it is not the messengers problem it is my problem


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## Mall Guy (Sep 14, 2011)

Threaten to send in Gail Vaz-Oxlade . . . she'll tear her a new one. And you had me at "vet" . . . those people are odd, brainy meets artsy odd, and like every dentist I have ever met, absolutely no business sense whatsoever!!! None. People just love to lend them money however. And I can back this up with actual encounters! With both kinds. At least MDs know to be cheap . . . and get their rent paid by the drugstore.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

The ''mom's'' of the forum likely all know you are right in advice(individually),however like every social circle(even forum's)The group hierarchy has been established and if your going against(in argument) one or a couple of the appointed leader's for lack of a better word this is what will happen.
The follower's(90 % of the board)Will not join you or stand with you(they fear the group leaders and don't want to jeopardize there standing weeks from now when the conversation is about diaper's or something like that)
So the easiest thing is to attack you.
This ain't any different than the play ground in elementary school.It is not you or the subject matter,it is the social dynamic's running in the group......To hell with with them,why do you care?You know you are likely the smartest on the board in personal finance,do you care what some mom 500k away from you(you have never meet) thinks.


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## Cal (Jun 17, 2009)

People in debt shouldn't buy new cars for the sake of impressing or feeling insecure with new co-workers.

Edit - I wouldn't marry anyone with that much student debt or debt in general, unless I was comfortable with their repayment plan.


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## GoldStone (Mar 6, 2011)

Did you know that millions of Americans live with debt they cannot control. That's why I developed this unique new program for managing your debt. It's called *"Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford"*


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## thebomb (Feb 3, 2012)

I probably wouldnt have many friends of that forum either. At 7 months pregnant, I have managed to get just about everything I need for this kids arrival by either buying clearnace floor models, getting stuff for free by asking people if they know people that want to get rid of baby stuff or by being very price savvy when actually spending money. All the while saving 40% of my net monthy take home. The one that made my swallow my ego though was accepting my parents old Pontiac Grand Am when an idiot T-Boned me and wrote my car Acura TL off. I took the insurance cheque, tucked it away for when I return to work and am now driving a 2k car and will be throughout my mat leave. Novel concept. Not living beyond your means (and I have the means...I cetainly dont have 250k in debt). I dont know how people do it.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

MG
I think there is some good advice in this thread. I would encourage you to continue to participate in any forum that pleases you and ignore the insiders. As has already been said, they are everywhere.


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## tiffbou2 (Jul 4, 2013)

I belong to a mom forum where the focus is brand name children's clothing - most people have no idea what an addiction this can be. I am on there for mainly the sale info and free coupons that sometimes go around, but it's easy to get sucked into stuff sometimes. It is amazing what people on there spend. There are women there who will brag about having 100 full outfit PER SEASON for a child in one thread, then cry that their mortgage payment is late in another. I do not engage or I would definitely say something that would have them chasing me with virtual pitchforks and torches.


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## Spidey (May 11, 2009)

I like that SNL video GoldStone. :encouragement:


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## Rusty O'Toole (Feb 1, 2012)

So tell us Moneygal why do you hate poor people? Is it because they are stupid and are dragging the rest of us down with their stupid behavior? That's my excuse.


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## none (Jan 15, 2013)

Rusty O'Toole said:


> So tell us Moneygal why do you hate poor people? Is it because they are stupid and are dragging the rest of us down with their stupid behavior? That's my excuse.


That's funny, that's the same reason I hate _old_ people.


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