# Lending money to mom - strange?



## kaleb0 (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm a obsessive money horder/saver due to growing up in extreme poverty. My mom on the other hand has always lived paycheck to paycheck and sees nothing wrong with it (hence growing up in poverty).

Recently her boyfriend and her moved to a different part of the country with no plans on how to support herself ect.

Her boyfriend has found part time work at a cafe, and she got a job offer but it requires a car (and she sold her car for the move).

After getting rejected for loans/financing for a used car she called me to ask to borrow $2k-$4k for a used car because she has absolutely zero savings, and thinks of me as 'rich' because I have been saving every hard earned dollar I've made over the years to not end up like her.

My wife thinks it's very backwards for a parent to ask their child to borrow money and can't believe it, and while some might think my mom must really be swallowing her pride to ask this of me, I don't think she has any pride regarding money, and to her this is all normal.

My wife says that lending her the money is just bailing her out yet again and that she'll never learn to be responsible for her own finances if someone is always there to save her like she expects. 

I see my wife's point, but in this case I am torn because I think it's better if she doesn't miss this job opportunity.. How will my mom ever learn though! I'm scared I'm going to end up having to take care of her financially in old age even though she never took financial care of me, it feels a little unfair.


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## Cal (Jun 17, 2009)

Put it in writing. Whether you really want the $ back or not. Then at least your mom will think that you expect to be paid back and that you have legal paperwork to back your position.

It sounds as if the money will never be seen again if you 'lend' it to her.

And unless you show some tough love, and enforce your position, she may never learn.

All the best.


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## none (Jan 15, 2013)

She's your mum - 'risking' 2-4K to help the woman who brought you into this world is a little thing and pales in comparison to the amount of effort and work she likely did for you when you were growing up.

You don't get it back? chalk it up to helping your mom.


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## Butters (Apr 20, 2012)

My mom had 10k in CC debt
I was only earning 2% in interest at the time
I lent her the money so she wouldnt have to pay 13%
net of 11% at the time for us together

She paid me back ever 3 months about 1k, so after a year it was down to ~5k and then my grandma passed away, she ended up giving me an addition 10k on top of the ~5k she already paid me back


Plus like someone else said, she raised you... she's spend a lot more than 2-4k on you growing up... probably 20fold that amount
Lend her the money, if you get it back, great, if you don't...oh well, this will be her last lesson to borrow, and you can reassure that you'll never lend her again, and hopes her job goes well


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## Sherlock (Apr 18, 2010)

Yeah 2k is nothing between family members, I'd give it to her as a gift


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## Addy (Mar 12, 2010)

kaleb0 said:


> My wife says that lending her the money is just bailing her out yet again and that she'll never learn to be responsible for her own finances if someone is always there to save her like she expects.


My husbands mother is financially destitute due to her own life choices. For years she would beg borrow and yes, even steal money from family members until slowly one by one they all stopped loaning her money and cut off all chances of her stealing money from them.

I was working, supporting my boyfriend (now husband) while he attended a one year intense trades training program, and his mom would phone up begging for money because (and keep in mind this was over 10 years ago!) she was renting a $3,500/m plus utilities house in Vancouver while working as a teacher on call for probably just over $1,000/m. Clearly financially irresponsible.

Very clearly I told my husband that there was zero chance of us lending her money when I was working two jobs to support him going back to school. It took a while, and a lot of instance of both her children (my husband has a brother who was newly married at the time she was living in this expensive rental) to not even discuss finances around them, for her to move out of the house (after she was served an eviction order and her van was repo'd) and into a reasonably priced apartment. She still struggle but at least now lives within her means.

kalebO if this is the first time your mom has asked you for a loan, don't feel obligated, and take into consideration your wifes views as they are just as important as your views. If you decide to loan your mom the money, like Cal mentioned, put it in writing, even go so far as insist her paycheque go in your account, and you will give her the remainder after your monthly loan payment (or whatever you decide) is paid.

Good luck. Sometimes saying no is the best thing you can do for a loved one.


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## peterk (May 16, 2010)

Yeah I don't see the big deal here. I'd loan 2k to a cousin or close friend without much thought, let alone my mother! What would be the point of getting anything in writing? What are you gonna do, sue your mom? Emotionally badger her with a contract hanging over her head? 

If she doesn't pay you back, then it's grounds for a very easy "no" if she asks for more in the future, without getting too awkward.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

"I am a obsessive money horder/saver" not to shift focus of your question but this doesn't sound emotionally healthy.You lead off the post with this statement so it comes across this is also perhaps a problem?
you feel guilt/shame/anger growing up like that,is this really about the car?I'm not trying to be rude/insensitive but maybe it would be a benifit to maybe work through so of these issues?maybe you can free yourself from your past and you don't need to keep living with these "ghosts"(if this is a problem of course)
I'd be maybe more conserend about that?than the loan in question.


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## Plugging Along (Jan 3, 2011)

Here are my random thoughts and considerations. 

What are you looking for in terms of advice? Is it should you lend your mom the money. There are many things to consider.

Is lending your mom money a good investment or wise to do from a financial standpoint. NO! There is a good chance that you will not see your money again, 

How are you going to teach your mom responsibility? You are not. She will probably not learn from you or any one else. It is not your job to teach responsibility.

Will you or someone need to support your mom in her old age? Mostly likely yes. 

Is it fair? No, but life isn't fair.

The real question is how will you feel about yourself if you don't lend her the money? no one can answer this. It comes down to what do you feel is the right thing to do and that you can live with.


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## alingva (Aug 17, 2013)

kaleb0 said:


> My wife thinks it's very backwards for a parent to ask their child to borrow money and can't believe it


 totally agree


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## KrissyFair (Jul 8, 2013)

peterk said:


> Yeah I don't see the big deal here. I'd loan 2k to a cousin or close friend without much thought, let alone my mother! What would be the point of getting anything in writing? What are you gonna do, sue your mom? Emotionally badger her with a contract hanging over her head?
> 
> If she doesn't pay you back, then it's grounds for a very easy "no" if she asks for more in the future, without getting too awkward.


+1


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

Yikes, this is a tough one.

Your wife is right though. Don't fool yourself into thinking this is a turning point. It's not. And you are also right in that you could become the bank of kaleb0 if you set the precedent to lend today. The behaviour has not changed.

But it's your mother. Yikes. I don't know how to advise you. You must feel awful inside.


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## heyjude (May 16, 2009)

On a humanitarian basis, it would be good to help your Mom to make the most of this opportunity to get on a better financial footing. Not because it will have a good return on investment (it may not) but because she is your Mom. However, I question whether this job really requires her to have a car, or whether it requires her to have transportation. Would a bus pass do the trick, or could you help her to arrange lifts?


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## SpendLessEarnMore (Aug 7, 2013)

yikes I bought my mom and my dad a house each since they are divorced. I must be backwards. My mom would never accept money from me no matter how hard I try let alone asking for a loan. I just want her to retire early but she refuses to be supported financially by me. My dad the same. And this coming from someone that hardly spends money on myself for simple pleasures of life but I'd give anything in a heartbeat to my parents that raised me up to what I am today.


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## OptsyEagle (Nov 29, 2009)

Yeah, I am in the crowd that says that the only reason you are here and able to lend any money at all is because your mother gave you life.

Is it normal for a mother to ask a child for money. No, but that issue is something that needs to be worked out by your mother, not you. It sounds like she has got over it.

All I would do, is do my best to let her know that you are not the Bank of America and that there is a limit to how much help you can provide. Then lend her the money.

Just my opinion. I am sure there are many.


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## Just a Guy (Mar 27, 2012)

I find it strange that there is backlash against a parent here...

Many times parents are expected to help bail out their kids when they are growing up...at least up to a point, but when these kids become "parents" they are suddenly supposed to know better.

Personally, I never lend money I can't afford to lose. I also believe we need to help out family whenever possible. This doesn't mean bailing them out all the time, but in this case it's not like she's a drug addict looking for a fix, it's a financially illiterate person trying to get a job.


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## liquidfinance (Jan 28, 2011)

I would give her the money. Plan it as a written loan. But don't worry if you don't get it back. So long as it doesn't leave you with zero!

I would much rather give my mum / dad the money than have them get the money from a loan arranger pay day we finance anyone type company.


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## DayTek (Sep 26, 2013)

I've had a lot of experience with this. My husband and I have lent several times to my in-laws. Not the lump sum you are talking about, but a few hundred dollars each time. It was usually due to poor budgeting and no savings, like your mother. However, borrowing from us was always a last resort and they always paid us back. My in-laws are still in financial hardship and probably always will be, even after spending their entire lives getting by by borrowing. They have been known to enjoy a take-out meal right after borrowing money and, while that's completely up to them, it seems foolish and redundant. My husband and I believe strongly in charity and grace for those in need, but we also know that our in-laws control even borrowed money badly. Therefore, we have agreed that we will no longer lend actual cash to them, but will offer to pay some bills without payback if needed - This allows us to help them and at the same time divert them from making unwise decisions. Do our "handouts" teach them anything? I guess not financially, but it shows compassion and empathy, something the world is starved for sometimes.

It is not really my opinion that children "owe" their parents anything; It is a parent's _job_ when they bring their child into this world to raise, care for, provide and nurture their offspring. Sidney Poitier's speech in 'Guess Who's Coming To Dinner' sums that up pretty well...View it here: http://youtu.be/OkGFOakMEmI 
Children _should_ honour, love and respect their parents in return, but this does not have to include loans.

I think the age-old rule of lending money to family members or friends has always been "Don't lend what you can't afford to get back". Regardless of what you decide, this could also open a door into a conversation about proper financial stewardship. Gladly offer budgeting advice to her! Maybe it won't help, but at least it's a seed planted if she hasn't had advice before. And if you do lend, I'd forget about a payment time frame - You're her son, not some finger-breaking loan shark.

Every responsible parent wants their kids to do better than they did themselves. Because you grew up in poverty, you learned what NOT to do with your money. I'm sure your mother is very proud of you for that. Maybe she wants to change her ways, but just doesn't have the will power; A lot of people struggle with that. She's your mother and I'm sure you love her. Whatever your decision is, it doesn't mean you love her any more/less. At the end of the day, be sure you are making the decision out of personal financial responsibility and what you feel is right in your heart...Not because you are bitter or judgmental about your past or her current circumstances.

And about this:



kaleb0 said:


> I'm a obsessive money horder/saver...


Be responsible, but relax a little. You can't take it with you.


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## NorthKC (Apr 1, 2013)

This is always a touchy subject with loaning money to parents/in-laws. There have only been once when my Dad had to ask me for money to cover the living expenses due to large medical expenses with my mother at the time. He was quite embarrassed but I had no hesitation since it was truly a legitimate need. Since I had to repay him some of the money that I borrowed from before that, we considered that as a loan repayment. 

In this case, this is a case of your mom trying to get a job so she can support herself. I would find out for sure if she truly needs a car to get to work. The bottom line, you have to be comfortable loaning the money to her without ever expecting that back. While not go with her to pay the car on the spot to ensure that the money was spent on what was needed.


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## Feruk (Aug 15, 2012)

My GF's mom is similar. She's poor because she makes herself poor and buys **** on credit with no plans to ever pay it off. Been doing it for years, and continues to do it. Lending (aka giving) her money just means she will pay the minimum balances and splurge the rest. Notch me in for a "no" vote. Unless it's pizza delivery, she can take the bus!


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## none (Jan 15, 2013)

@DayTek: you sounds like a really nice person.


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## fraser (May 15, 2010)

It is a black hole.

Guess what will happen when the car needs repairs, tires, or insurance???? Who will she call??


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## brocko (Apr 20, 2009)

This isn't about lending a few grand to your mother, you have other issues that you need to deal with respect to family and your childhood. Clearly you do not have a good relationship with her and that is sad. At the same time I recognize that your obvious goal in life is to not end up in poverty which has become her place. Your decision is personal and no matter what you choose to do it rests with you.


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