# Early Retirement - effect on friendships



## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

I've heard of stories where relationships are negatively impacted when a friend or coworker wins a lottery. I think the same could occur if there is a large disparity in incomes (or even just spending) between people who feel that they should be more alike.

For those who retired atypically early (let's say before 50) in your circle of friends, did the friendships change, and if so, was it dependent on the length and strength of those relationships?

I have no concerns but my wife does because most of her socializing is with coworkers during work hours, whereas most of mine is outside of work.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

Yes your wife will have a problem and must make new friends. In our experience, this is easy to do. Some of my best friends were made before we started working but they are a tiny fraction of all the acquaintences made through work. Acquaintences come and go. It is a fact of life.


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## marina628 (Dec 14, 2010)

My husband retired two years ago at age 42 and after 4 months he went back to work for 1 day a week at old company just to fill his time.We have not lost any friends because of it but you do get certain envy and for some reason they think you can afford to retire so you can afford to pay the entertainment bill lol.
We have met a couple who also retired early (from GM ) and we have done a cruise with them and a couple other weekend trips ,they take their grandkids and we take our children.I am self Employed so flexible with my work ,if you can afford it then do it.Maybe ask for a leave of absence from your jobs before you make the big decision.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

It seems like you have two questions here:

1. Does a large income disparity jeopardize friendships?

2. If you only socialize with your colleagues at work, will you be lonely in retirement?

Regarding #1 I have a hard time understanding how income disparities could affect friendships unless those friendships are based on doing spendy things together like taking cruises, flying private planes, etc.. There's a five-fold income disparity between myself and my girlfriend but it hasn't affected our relationship; I honestly have no idea (and don't care) how much my friends earn, or whether I earn more or less than they do. It's not a factor for me.

As for #2, I think your wife could continue socializing with her work colleagues, just wait until after working hours and/or meet them for lunch. If they're her friends, there's no reason to cut off the friendship when she retires. My father stayed friends with many of his work colleagues after retirement and they would do things together in the evenings or on weekends.


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## the-royal-mail (Dec 11, 2009)

There's no question that friendships are dependent upon a certain unspoken agreement when it comes to spending money on things. For example, if the best activity that a couple of friends can come up with is golf, then that means that both parties must be prepared with equipment and money to spend on a meal after. Other friends like to meet up for lunch after. Again, they need money. Nothing kills the mood more than someone who can't even come up with $20 to spend on a meal in a social situation.

As for retirement and socialization, there is no doubt that this will result in some changes. I try not to rely on work to provide too many social opportunities though. I lead a very different work life to what I do in my free time, so I am able to make some friends in my non-work activities. I would be able to transition very easily to retirement.


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

Unfortunately, my wife, although physically close to her family, is not emotionally close and she really doesn't have any friends outside of work. It's only as I've put these thoughts down here that I realized some of the reasons behind her reluctance to leave work.

When we travel, it is very easy for us to meet couples and the result is we spend time together. But I'm not confident she would reach out on her own.

I've tried to encourage her to broaden her interests in order to prepare for retirement. Finding outside activities will offer many opportunities to create a support network. She tells me there isn't time to do it now, but IMO it's prioritization of what you want to do with that time.

I'll definitely have to be even more sensitive to this.


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## FrugalTrader (Oct 13, 2008)

Cannon, the solution is that you could retire while your wife remains working. It'll put less pressure on producing income from your investments.


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## 72camaross (Apr 26, 2010)

I can't wait to retire...in 40 years...haha Or I could find something I love to do then I wouldn't mind waking up everyday!

My mother retired at 40, not because she was well off but because her company was cutting benefits and packages so she got out while she could. Now she does whatever work she wants. Her friends were a little jealous but nothing came between them and I remember asking her why I had to start working when she could just stay at home and do nothing...lol. I was 13. 
Come to think of it as of right now she's been retired half my life.


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## DanFo (Apr 9, 2011)

Almost every friend locally to me is an aquiantance from Work. I work Shift though and with the schedule it is just hard to be able to plan events with other people.. i still however remain very close to my friends from the school days ...I just see them less and less as the years go by and we seem to move physically farther apart with pursuing careers. When I do eventually retire I can see a little boredom kicking in until I figure out something to replace down time that i didn't have when i was working.


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## sags (May 15, 2010)

You will find you dont have as much "down time" as you think.

Many retirees, including myself, often wonder how we had the time to work.

Most of our friends have moved all over Canada, but you meet new people or find new things to do. 

When my son played minor hockey and ball, we had a couple of retired couples who followed the teams everywhere, even though they had no relatives on the team. They just liked to have something to do and someone to cheer for. They even travelled to out of town tournaments with us. When the teams made it to the Ontario Championships.......the retired folks were more excited than the parents were.

Sometimes you have to be pro-active as well.

Lots of retirees live in our townhome complex, and the backyards are facing a park, but have high privacy fences around them. So, we sat there all by ourselves and watched the squirrels run around.

I got bored of that, so I pulled all the flowers out of the front of our townhome and put in some white stones, plunked down a couple of Muskoka chairs and began sitting out front on my "porch".

From there, we have a view of the road....the traffic.....the people....the workers etc.

It took a little while, but people started stopping by to chat. Now we have a group a couple of times a day, and others coming over to say hi.

People thought it was odd at first, but now others are putting chairs out front.

Now I am putting in a platform deck............psst.......dont tell the landlord.

I wonder why sitting in the backyard all by yourself, surrounded by an eight foot wooden fence, became so popular.


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## Jon_Snow (May 20, 2009)

Ah yes, early retirement... its pretty much the holy grail for me.

I'm pretty much decided on pulling the plug on the rat race by no later than 45 - sooner if at all possible. I have very few close friends at work - in fact, I dislike the vast majority of the people I work with everyday. These are hard driven people, in which their work is the driving force in their lives. These people would never stop to gaze at a beautiful sunset, likely viewing it as a waste of time. That is not me... I am a dreamer/artist type who just happens to be good in the industry I am in, and make good money with great benefits... it is simply a means to acheiving financial independence so I can pursue the lifestyle I want. 

Once I reach the "crossover point" I am gone - with the full support of my wife thankfully... she has her dream job and will happily work into her 50's no problem. 

The world is so full of wonders and it has always bothered my that something like a j*b (which I dislike) is preventing me from seeing and experiencing so much of it. Just have to hang in there for a few more years...


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## financialnoob (Feb 26, 2011)

FrugalTrader said:


> Cannon, the solution is that you could retire while your wife remains working. It'll put less pressure on producing income from your investments.


Second this idea. Plus there's some pleasure to be had in being a kept man 

If that's not possible, she could always take some courses in hobbies she likes and meet people with similar interests. Perhaps there's a painting course or maybe she's into bowling and could join a league or play cards. It isn't about abandoning one group of friends so much as branching out and meeting other people to supplement.

I do think it could impact some relationships, but there are differences between acquaintances and friends. I expect the shift will help distinguish which people belong in which group.


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

financialnoob said:


> Second this idea. Plus there's some pleasure to be had in being a kept man
> 
> If that's not possible, she could always take some courses in hobbies she likes and meet people with similar interests. Perhaps there's a painting course or maybe she's into bowling and could join a league or play cards. It isn't about abandoning one group of friends so much as branching out and meeting other people to supplement.
> 
> I do think it could impact some relationships, but there are differences between acquaintances and friends. I expect the shift will help distinguish which people belong in which group.


At first I told her that I couldn't retire and not feel guilty if she were to continue working. But after our recent two week vacation things have come to light. She needs to feel she is contributing to the family finances. Our salaries are quite disparate (I make 3x of hers) and with success in trading she looks at it that I contribute $12 for every $1 of hers. 

So working would not only be for social reasons but also from a sense of worth. We know a semi retired couple (he is fully retired while she does contract work half of the year). They don't need the money but she does feel the need to contribute since their primary source of funds would be his pension. 

The vacation really caused my wife to look forward to retiring for the first time. We've even discussed combining traveling with volunteer work. 

Ideally my wife wants to work 3 days a week and have about 8 weeks of vacation per year. Other than a substitute school teacher or part time cashier at an ice cream shop, she is pretty much SOL. UNLESS she enrolls in a placement agency. She could take on very temporary clerical assignments when she feels like it. 

And as far as what FT said about reducing the pressure - setting monthly goals while we are both working has increased the pressure not lessened it! It was easier without targets - but it also was less successful. I need more time to be comfortable with this structure.


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## Lightlines (Aug 21, 2011)

Well here are my 2 cents worth...not only have I not worked in 2 years and am now 43 (well I call myself retired but I guess I might have to do some contract work every now and then if the folks on the forums I have posted on here end up being right). 

First of all my current friends are all outside of work. In fact I made a policy of never socializing with people I worked with, because due to my senior position the nearest colleague at my level was typically in another state...or country so everyone that I could potentially be friends with might have an agenda. It was just easier that way. Thus, walking away from my job didn't impact my social life at all. So I would suggest that your wife develop friendships outside of work asap. For me, for all of my friends, they are still my friends. They are happy for me because they know I have more than paid my dues. Some of them work, some of them are also young retirees, some of them are stay at home moms (and work very hard imho). None of us have drifted apart due to my not working, because the last thing any of us did was talk about our jobs. 

Now the clincher is that I have been travelling and away from my friends. So...the best way to make new friends? Take classes at community colleges. Join a gym. Be outgoing...ask someone for a coffee. I have done this and I am in foreign countries where I don't really speak the lingo...so I am living proof that it can be done. Thus I imagine it would be even easier to do it at home, and in English! 

But they key is to lay some groundwork in advance....got to get out of that "my job is my life" mindset or it will be a challenge!

Good luck!


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

I had the same strategy keeping friends outside of work. I still found that most of my friends now are also retired. The ones that work have a hard time doing things with me. They just don't have the time.


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## sprocket1200 (Aug 21, 2009)

do like Jon Snow does and send her back to work. some people just see fulfillment in having a job!


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## Samanthah (Aug 28, 2011)

*Retirement musings*

All your posts make for a great read. As a newly retired "homemaker" I can attest to the validity for some of the comments regarding retirement income disparities amongst friendships. I wholeheartedly agree friends come and go. And retirement income disparities can become problematic if given the momentum to do so. I love my new "retired" status. And friends who imply that now that my spouse is retired I can go out and contribute financially get meatloaf instead of Horse Chestnut,truffle dressed Quale when they come to dinner. With the ability to income split now the question is who's further ahead during retirement two income families or families with one high income earner and one stay at home spouse? Retirement how do I love thee? Let me count my contributions.......


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## mind_business (Sep 24, 2011)

sags said:


> You will find you dont have as much "down time" as you think.
> 
> Many retirees, including myself, often wonder how we had the time to work.
> 
> ...


So you're the one who started that bizzarre trend  Moving from Saskatchewan to SW Ontario 12 years ago, one of the first things we noticed was the large number of people who sat on their front porch. In Saskatchewan, people use their backyards exclusively. We found it a bit odd. However I also noticed that no one on our street socialized with each other, let alone knew their first names. We made a point of introducing and subsequently talking with everyone on our street (10 houses on our street).


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

Samanthah said:


> And friends who imply that now that my spouse is retired I can go out and contribute financially get meatloaf instead of Horse Chestnut,truffle dressed Quale when they come to dinner.


I am impressed that you still invite them! (Of course contributing financially can come in many forms.)


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## cannon_fodder (Apr 3, 2009)

well it looks like I was more right than I expected. My wife was given a package a couple of months ago and I'm negotiating a severance package this week. 

she has been keeping in touch with select coworkers - email, phone and get togethers . Quite surprisingly, she has kept busy and hasn't even come close to being bored. Its too early to tell if she will engage in new pursuits, but I'm very pleased to see how well she has adjusted. 

now the question is will she get tired of having me around so much!


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## avrex (Nov 14, 2010)

cannon_fodder said:


> she has kept busy and hasn't even come close to being bored.


Great news, cannon. I believe the best years of your lives are ahead of you. enjoy.


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