# How do you choose between two things you do not want?



## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

I seem to run across this issue for a lot of things in my life, especially recently.

I'm wondering; how do you folks choose between two roads when neither road is appealing?

If you choose Option A, you are left without Option B. What if B was the better choice? What if A is the right choice?

What if B is the right choice now, but A is the right choice later? What if Choice A isn't available later?

You _*could*_ even go so far as to say...

How do you know when to break up with someone, if breaking up seems like the wrong choice, but staying together always seems wrong? :cower:

I feel like I am in a situation where I am not happy with, or without.


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## Spudd (Oct 11, 2011)

With breaking up, I go by the rule of thumb that if I am spending more time in the relationship unhappy than happy, I should break up. If it's the other way around, maybe the unhappy moments can be fixed / or are worth it - it's at least worth spending some more time to find out. 

In general, I think you have to just choose the lesser of two evils. If one of the roads MUST be taken, figure out which is less bad than the other. With relationships this is usually the case. With non-relationship matters, however, sometimes there are other options and it's worth while thinking through what these might be.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

Spudd said:


> In general, I think you have to just choose the lesser of two evils. If one of the roads MUST be taken, figure out which is less bad than the other.


Thank you for the reply, Spudd.

I agree with this. I'm just having such a hard time deciding which one is the lesser evil. I've been trying to figure it out for quite a while now.


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## brad (May 22, 2009)

Here's my advice: go to your library and take out "Decisive" by Chip and Dan Heath (or you can buy the eBook or physical book, it's worth it).

This book contains the best guidance I've seen anywhere on how to approach decision-making, including the type of scenario you are describing.


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## Nemo2 (Mar 1, 2012)

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it"

Yogi Berra


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## none (Jan 15, 2013)

If you want to break up with someone but are too much of a coward to do it then you should seek professional help. By effectively lying to your partner that you want to be with him, you are being extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate. 

Basically, one part of you thinks that you are too good to be with this person but a very vocal part of you is insisting that it is in fact the other way around.

Seek help.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Option 3 !

Realistically, the one with the better total payoff, discounted appropriately if applicable.

All decisions should be face the same way, it's always a simple cost benefit decision, sometimes it's hard to determine the weighting. <G>


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## Spidey (May 11, 2009)

I guess it depends on the reasons for wanting to break up. For example, wanting to "play the field" is a different scenario than wondering if you are compatible. If it is the latter, you probably should have a discussion regarding what's not working for you to see if it is salvageable or at least to give the other person a "heads-up". If it is the former, just be sure that you are not giving up someone who you'll regret seeing hooked up with someone else one day.


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

If you're not compatible, end it.

Unless they're awful, breaking up often seems bad, that's life.

I'm happily married now, I kinda owe that to the crazy @%#%@#$ who dumped me in HS.


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## marina628 (Dec 14, 2010)

Kaejs
If your issue is a break up story then I will share mine and maybe it will give you another side of the coin to consider.I had a boyfriend when I met my husband in fact I was 18 and engaged to him .I went to school with my husband since we were 13 and I went out on one date with my husband and three weeks later I broke up with my boyfriend , gave back the ring and as they say rest is history.I almost convinced myself in staying with the wrong guy but I took a chance after one dinner that there was somebody much better suited for me ,next week we celebrate our 25th anniversary.


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## Daniel A. (Mar 20, 2011)

Some people are better off just being friends.

If things are not working out than walk everything you see today will still be there years from now.
There is nothing worse than complicating the future.


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## Dmoney (Apr 28, 2011)

Flip a coin.


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## Rusty O'Toole (Feb 1, 2012)

Flip a coin, and ask yourself how you feel about the result. If you were forced to abide by the coin flip would you be happy? Or would you give anything to have the coin flip back?

If you can't chose between 2 things how about "none of the above". The lesser of 2 evils is still evil so why not take a walk.


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## donald (Apr 18, 2011)

this girl likely is in tuned that you are unsure!I'm surprised your not getting that "what wrong"is everything "all right"in my expierence in dating/relationships when I start to wavor and or step back,she picks up on this and than that usually spells the end of it(or "those conversations start happening and cancelling plans picks up ect
keep in mind(young 20s)women obsiously talk about their relationships with their girlfriends so she might beat you to the punch!
I think its best to abandon ship,if you were crazy about this girl you wouldn't be feeling this way.IMO you should explain yourself to her and end it on a positive note(if that can be achieved)


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## AMABILE (Apr 3, 2009)

Dmoney said:


> Flip a coin.


When you have a hard decision to make,
flip a coin-----------why?
because when that coin is in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping for.


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## Sampson (Apr 3, 2009)

The problem with decision making is we are inherently conservative and want to make sure we make the best decision. However, there sometimes is no best option and its perfectly fine to not have the optimal situation.

Decide, live with the decision, and move on to the next challenge. Don't waste you time and emotional sanity stuck in the purgatory of indecision.


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

You will face short term pain by breaking up and your hesitation is because you will face loneliness in the short term. By addressing your feelings with your spouse, you will start a dialog that will make it clear what to do.


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## indexxx (Oct 31, 2011)

AMABILE said:


> When you have a hard decision to make,
> flip a coin-----------why?
> because when that coin is in the air,
> you suddenly know what you're hoping for.


I was going to post this same answer- when you flip the coin, you'll likely say in your mind "I hope it's...", and that will show you what you really want inside.


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## Sherlock (Apr 18, 2010)

Just be happy that you're getting some. Some of us aren't so lucky.


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## james4beach (Nov 15, 2012)

I actually use the coin flip trick sometimes myself

But with the breakup question. How about taking some time off in your relationship (a pause) and then seeing how that develops? It could be that you feel much better apart, or maybe you'll feel a strong desire to get back together. Or maybe it will give you some new perspective when you reflect on it all.


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## My Own Advisor (Sep 24, 2012)

I'm with Sampson - decide, live with it, and move on.

Some decisions are tough for sure but better than not making any decision at all.


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

This will sound crazy but not making a decision is also a decision: it's a decision to put it off / not to decide. :02.47-tranquillity:


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## wendi1 (Oct 2, 2013)

If I may - this might be a case of "phoney choices". Who says you have to chose one terrible path over another?

If it is between two lovers, neither of which is appealing, perhaps chose to go your way.

If it is "should I stay or should I go" - the fact that you are considering leaving is pretty telling. Is there something you could do to change the situation? Couples therapy? Change your shift at work? Help around the house? Less sex? More? 

There are almost always more than two choices.


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## Mall Guy (Sep 14, 2011)

couple of thoughts. . . nothing is forever (well maybe those marriage where the people are so miserable they barely say a civil word) . . . and if it is meant to be, it will be, even if that path takes a few years to work itself out . . . "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it was yours, if not, it never was."

How is mental and physical health during all this . . . I lost 30 or so pound during my separation (and I am not alone in that).


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

I don't want to split, but I feel like I am doing myself a disservice if I do not.

I feel that I am often doing things I would rather not do, or would never have done, just to keep her from complaining or getting upset.

I feel like she has Princess Syndrome. But, in this generation, I feel most young women do. That is why I always shoot for older...

This generation (mine) is messed up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_sickness


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

So, who here has seen Don Jon? This movie actually covers this issue - both "princess sickness" and "prince sickness" (I read your link, KJS!)


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

As a bonus, _not set in space!_


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

I'm just scared that I'm going to leave this Princess and end up with another Princess down the road.

The current princess is beautiful, and is 4 years older than myself. She doesn't have any debt. She drives, has her own car/place.

I just don't want to kick myself later for leaving.

I realize all relationships take work (and I'm sure I'm not always a charmer, either) but I just don't want to be filled with regret.

At the same time, I want some control over my life.

I have tried to talk this out with her, but she ends up getting frustrated and (to use _none's_ comments) turns a narrow and myopic view on the situation/relationship.

There are so many games it becomes a chore. Even simple things, like how she will never say sorry first, or she won't answer a question unless I answer first (even if I asked her the question first). It's little things like this that drive me insane. I feel like I am dealing with a child.

She also has a tendency to always "run" away.

She will leave the house, only to message me like wildfire to tell me how upset she is. Yet, she will refuse to come back and talk things out. She only wants to message her feelings away forever and ever.

It's draining.

If you've seen "The Social Network" (The facebook movie), Mark's girlfriend in the beginning of the movie says to him_ "Dating you is like dating a stairmaster."_
That's how I feel.


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

MoneyGal said:


> As a bonus, _not set in space!_


Lol. That made me laugh.

Don Jon actually got very good reviews. Have not seen it, though...


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## MoneyGal (Apr 24, 2009)

Sounds like she may be a good fit for you "financially" but not temperamentally. 

Only you can control whether you end up with another princess down the line!


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## kcowan (Jul 1, 2010)

My first wife would go into deep freeze mode whenever we tried to discuss significant issues in our marriage. No communication for 3 days. We had kids so I stayed around and was the good Dad.

My current wife always wants to talk things out and does not get offended easily. Daily life is a breeze with no steaming cow pies to avoid.

My only regret is that I spent so long suffering before making the move. This is not a dress rehearsal.


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## jamesbe (May 8, 2010)

Not all woman are "princesses" Sounds like you need a country girl


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## james4beach (Nov 15, 2012)

Kae: I have been dating over the last year. A comforting observation I've had is that _everyone_ is different. Every single girl I meet is a unique case. Sure there are some common themes but still, there are tremendous variations in personality, values, habits.

So don't think that every girl you meet is inevitably going to turn out the same. Everyone is different and unique!

It's possible you are doing something (without being aware) that is filtering for princesses. The same way for instance that some women complain that all men are "bums" but it's because they filter for these men, by trying to meet them in bars.

For example: are you quick to offer gifts, favours, or happily go out of your way to "treat" her? These days it's not expected that a man pays for a date, at least among young professionals.


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## Jon_Snow (May 20, 2009)

I've had past dating experience with similar women, KaeJS... your description of the little "games" she plays brought back some bad memories *shudder*. After many years of dating I finally met my non-princess soul mate... They are out there man.

If you decide to end the relationship, I would suggest leaving your computer open to this thread where your girlfriend might see it... That will end things in a hurry.


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## wendi1 (Oct 2, 2013)

True dat.


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## Homerhomer (Oct 18, 2010)

KaeJS said:


> I feel that I am often doing things I would rather not do, or would never have done, just to keep her from complaining or getting upset.
> 
> ]


This is funny, how long you have been married ;-) Sounds like you are coming close to your 25th anniversary, you have been trained well and understand how to live by the rules ;-)


.... and by the way Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, good read for everyone in a heterosexual relationship ;-)


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## MrMatt (Dec 21, 2011)

Homerhomer said:


> This is funny, how long you have been married ;-) Sounds like you are coming close to your 25th anniversary, you have been trained well and understand how to live by the rules ;-)


If you weren't being sarcastic, that's a sad statement. I couldn't imagine living in an emotionally abusive relationship like that.


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## GoldStone (Mar 6, 2011)

reddit frontpage delivers

A Relationship in 5 Minutes


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## Homerhomer (Oct 18, 2010)

MrMatt said:


> *If you weren't being sarcastic*, that's a sad statement. I couldn't imagine living in an emotionally abusive relationship like that.


I was responding to 22 year old ;-)


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## KaeJS (Sep 28, 2010)

Although I do not want to,

I have decided to leave.

I thank you all for your help/suggestions/opinions.

I am too young to have this much responsibility and I have come to the conclusion that I should be focusing on myself instead of taking care of another adult.


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## Four Pillars (Apr 5, 2009)

Good for you!


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