HUMOUR? - scratch, dent, soggy

[zylon]

Deals on slightly damaged Target merchandise;
limited quantities :o

http://o1.aolcdn.com/dims-shared/dims3/PATCH/resize/600x450/http://hss-prod.hss.aol.com/hss/storage/patch/7bbeaff27647bd13ddbbacdcc560a3f5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQdYSF4s7gs

ALSO:
Possible opening in Logistics Dept.
> safety orientation mandatory
> and pee-in-a-bottle

[mode3sour]

He's been watching too much Ice Road Truckers and took his preparation for deliveries to Canada too far

[KaeJS]

I'm amazing it didn't tip over at any point.

What an idiot.

[uptoolate]

It's ok. It was just all the swimwear that was due on the shelves next week. A little water won't hurt it.

[uptoolate]

What's really impressive is all the people out walking on the recently fractured ice. It may not be deep but that won't matter much if they fall in.

[andrewf]

Fell asleep at the wheel or something? He crossed a median and two lanes of on-coming traffic.

[mode3sour]

Reminds me of the truck crossing the median in Toronto (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g0rWRCIfqk)

Which justifies having sporty suspension to me haha

[KaeJS]

Which justifies having sporty suspension to me haha

:cool:;)

[zylon]

Pre-trip inspection:
Verify that ABS is fully functional.
> footnote: getting started is easy - stopping not so much.

http://www.jsmineset.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/DoggieBrakes.png

h/t (http://www.jsmineset.com/2012/01/09/safety-tutorial-for-cigas/)

[Beaver101]

Better late than never to comment ... keep up the great pictures/gags, thanks Zylon! ...rofl ... :D

[zylon]

Beaver101 - I'll try ... some days it's easier than others.

http://www.jsmineset.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/clip_image001_thumb2.gif
http://www.jsmineset.com/2012/12/14/jims-mailbox-1124/

Pilot Error

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff?"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"

http://www.caseyresearch.com/cdd/its-trap

[Barwelle]

Haha.. Those are good ones. I imagine that last radio conversation would have ruffled some feathers.

[Beaver101]

:glee: :biggrin-new: ... I agree it's not easy to keep up cranking out these humours and I appreciate and :applouse: your work for that. Reading these funny posts is a fabulous (and free ;) ) way to de-stress after a tense or crappy day at work. My hats off to you and others like Carverman, thank you.

[Nemo2]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
***

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
***

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
***

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
***

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa

[zylon]

^^ Haha! excellent - reminds me of conversation flow on some forums.

http://i46.tinypic.com/123wait.jpg

[Nemo2]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[zylon]

http://dailyreckoning.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/5/files/2012/12/DRUS12-14-12-3-300x278.jpg

Image source (http://dailyreckoning.com/the-state-is-doomed-and-other-reasons-to-be-optimistic/)

[HaroldCrump]

^ Um, that is not exactly a hug :@

[zylon]

I was browsing thru a used book store one day and saw a book titled "HOW to HUG" for $2. Not able to resist such a bargain I bought it. When I got home, upon closer examination I realised that I was the proud owner of Volume #19 of Encyclopedia Brittanica.
~Leo Buscaglia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Buscaglia)

[Nemo2]

Investment Opportunity!!!! Don't get left out of this one!!!!


Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....


A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

[humble_pie]

i wasn't sure whether to put this here or in the AAPL thread
.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GRSbr0EYYU

[zylon]

http://i47.tinypic.com/24eq4w5.jpg

[zylon]

http://www.jsmineset.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/clip_image00110.jpg

[zylon]

Senior Moments by Golf Brooks - with Lyrics Closed Captioned
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xv1tMioGgXI
6,324,974

[Nemo2]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[bayview]

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[zylon]

... gawd I hope it's real :smilet-digitalpoint

Drunk cop tries to pass a sobriety field test
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9765TUiJKls

[zylon]

Members of the Cryophil amateur winter bathing club swim with a "New Year tree" in the Yenisei River as they celebrate the upcoming new year in Russia's Siberian city of Krasnoyars. The water temperature was a toasty 3 degrees Celsius.

http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/photos/russians-go-for-a-chilly-swim-slideshow/members-cryophil-amateur-winter-bathing-club-swim-tree-photo-130852703.html

http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/2H2mneGNCEpZAZ3wAoydyQ--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9aW5zZXQ7aD00Mjg7cT04NTt3PTYzMA--/http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/Reuters/2012-12-30T130852Z_1250091016_GM1E8CU1MOM01_RTRMADP_3_RUSS IA.JPG

http://l3.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/MhPQ3MXp1CYspmDOyptcCA--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9aW5zZXQ7aD00MDA7cT04NTt3PTYzMA--/http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/Reuters/2012-12-30T130609Z_1517851948_GM1E8CU1M1R01_RTRMADP_3_RUSS IA.JPG

[zylon]

Ultimate Fails Compilation 2012 || Best Fails of the Year!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvuEFafFhBA
14,530,164

http://i49.tinypic.com/18bqpv.jpg

[zylon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6TcpfBHlbs

[zylon]

http://www.grandich.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/money122.gif

http://www.grandich.com/

[zylon]

The most tolerant cashier
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgAcHeL1dro


This video from Belarus is one of the forms of Currency Induced Cost Push Inflation that always occurs in dire business conditions. It is a concept that very few seem to be able to get their heads around.

Inflation for some reason is only understood as a product of too much demand, or a supply starvation.

A 20% fast loss in value in the US dollar, the reserve currency by default, would have a profound impact on prices internally and externally much greater than the percentage loss of the currency.

The US dollar has a downside price objective of USDX .0056, the basic reason why gold will trade at and above $3500.

http://www.jsmineset.com/2013/01/13/jims-mailbox-1150/

[zylon]

NEWS FLASH!! Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly thereafter, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, a member of Newfoundland’s Dept. of Mines and Resources reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Corner Brook, Newfoundland – Jack Lucknow Parsons , a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

Just makes you darn proud to be Canadian, don’t it?

h/t jsmineset (http://www.jsmineset.com/2013/01/15/in-the-news-today-1426/)

[zylon]

There's no laugh-track; so it must be serious, right?
It is not April First - I checked.
- well, you decide.

Americans With No Abilities Act
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLs3_W0Zipg

[zylon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wvGhOIna4M

[Nemo2]

http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/ucomics.com/dt130126.gif

[zylon]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
– John Glenn

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
– Robert Benchley

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
– W.H. Auden

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip

Source: http://www.caseyresearch.com/node/40891

~~~~~//~~~~~

http://www.cartoon.co.uk/sc/images/Prince_Philip_copy.jpg

[zylon]

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest

possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.

They can't tell them apart. If you see a

gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they

won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the

world weird. Now the world is weird and

people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers,

what you do today, might burn your arse tomorrow.

http://images.fungopher.com/c/G/I/cGIPBrNCb/Funny-Animals-Philosophy-No-I-just-needed-a-little-rest.jpg

http://www.fungopher.com/i/cGIPBrNC/Philosophy-No-I-just-needed-a-little-rest.html

[zylon]

http://fortmc.ca/resources/image/thumb/259

[zylon]

http://i49.tinypic.com/i1eg0g.jpg

http://i50.tinypic.com/16kxh6h.jpg

[Beaver101]

Cute and funny posts #37 & 38, Zylon, :biggrin: , thanks!

[zylon]

You're welcome, Beaver :encouragement:

~~~~~//~~~~~




Like his estimated 35,000 fellow countrymen, Dorman is proud to be a “Canadian.” Located 120 miles north of Buffalo, NY, Canada is, according to Dorman, “a nation with a government and laws distinct from those of the United States.” It also has a military, a system of taxation, and periodic free elections to select political leaders. It even has its own currency, says Dorman, various denominations of “dollars” that can be exchanged for the many products manufactured in Canada, including Canadian bacon and ice.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/perky-canada-has-own-government-laws,19927/

http://o.onionstatic.com/images/articles/article/19927/canadadidyouknow_png_250x1000_q85.jpg

[zylon]

The difference between dogs and cats
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq8nYgnE93Y

- watch to the very end

[Beaver101]

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/daily-buzz/real-life-bart-simpson-appears-court-mr-burns-155542076.html ... have a laugh :chuncky: